A billion people died on the news tonight/But not so many cried at the terrible sight/ Well mama said/
It's just make believe/You can't believe everything you see/ So baby close your eyes to the lullabies/On the news tonight

Monday, November 27, 2006


I’m eyeing my medication, a little nervous and apprehensive on whether I should take it. My therapy has ended, not enough I have fully recovered (even if there is such a thing), but because my therapist is leaving Singapore for a year and I chose to not continue with another.


I had a near attack in the morning, on the bus; it was not so much the gasping for air, but the logic meltdown in my head again, of God and life and death and afterlife, and I nearly exploded inside. The fear grew, though oddly unfamiliar, not because it has not been visiting me (it has), but because it seems to be a different form. I am unsure, and am afraid that this fear would take on not just different mediums, but different forms. I am already afraid of so many things, I can’t even take the train. But I’m so tired…


This fear, however, is different – it does not tie into these reservations. Can I really take a flight, albeit a short one?  Can I really have an operation, albeit a minor one? Can I really, really, live, despite all these?


Minor victories are huge. I won’t let myself take one step forward and two steps back. I know I cannot do this alone, but only with God, I can.


ps. Thanks for all the comments for the previous post. I think some of you mistaken that for a negative post. Actually that was a happy post. TV was not a comfort, but rather, a form of ‘medication’ if you know what I mean. For me to be able to survive on non-tv means I cut off that ‘medication’ and survived. =) Thanks for the support, and please continue to read.


Comments on "Medication"


Blogger the lil bugger complained! (Monday, November 27, 2006 11:55:00 am) : 

Hello, you're probably on a benzodiazepine script (please correct me if I'm wrong), and dependency is a great issue here. I'm urgently leaving this comment as in most anxiety disorder cases, the withdrawal from benzos can be extremely serious. Perhaps you could try tapering..?
Again, I'm only an 'onlooker' so please correct me if I'm wrong. Best wishes!


Blogger The Rational Neurotic complained! (Monday, November 27, 2006 5:54:00 pm) : 


Actually, not really. Most anxiety disorders depend on a diet of therapy and medication. I'm on Xanec. I'm on ad-hoc medication, so personally, no worries. However, most doctors (psycharists) are wary of prescribing medication that can create dependency for mental disorders because of the ease of misuse. For me, however, I tried not to take it once the initial and the most horrible part was over, and there was not much difference since the most severe symthoms were over.

Thanks for your concern again. My bottle of xanac have lasted me more than 6 months! =) And I plan for it to be that way. I'll only take in emergencies.


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