A billion people died on the news tonight/But not so many cried at the terrible sight/ Well mama said/
It's just make believe/You can't believe everything you see/ So baby close your eyes to the lullabies/On the news tonight

Thursday, November 23, 2006

mini victories are huge.

I don't know how many friends read this blog, and how many of these are from my church. I never fancied myself a blogger that appealed to the masses, although a high hitcount from my nation's blog readers would be a nice feather in the cap - you know that what you write is relevant to the "masses".

So those that have been reading my blog regularly would know that I have GAD. The main concern is death, and what it brings. Friends have been tried to "talk me out of it", and as well-meaning as they are, if I could have been talked out of it, it would have never happened in the first place. Don't ask me how I got it - how does one get depression? how does one become bipolar or have Schizophrenia?

Because of this, I have stopped drinking (not that I was a great drinker in the first place), and tried very hard to stop drinking caffeinated drinks, which was not easy, because although I was not a huge fan of Kopi, I like the occasional Starbucks Latte, and I love drinking soft drinks.

I recall once, not long ago, I had a recurring pain on my lower right abs. Of course, the immediate fear was appendicitis.. (I also had a recurring pain on my left chest, which brought more fear, which I do not wish to delibrate) Every doctor I saw for a while (around 4, I reckon) put it down to stress after I revealed I had GAD. When I finally managed to see my doctor (I went to his clinic, and got a substitute instead, who refused me the ECG), he understood my concerns and systematically gave me medication after going through some questions. The main point is that medication to relieve bloating and encourage erm, shitting, made me have a near panic attack that afternoon. I called up the hospital's pharmacist to check if these would have caused it, because I don't think that my doctor would have given medication that have reacted that way. She was rather surprised and said that it shouldn't have happened. It was only yesterday that I got curious at another medication (to help me fart) that I realised that certain antacids (actually, certain components inside) can cause mood changes. It was probably amplified in me due to GAD.

Friends would also know that I use TV as a distraction (distraction is a technique encouraged by therapists, esp at the beginning stages) and sleep in front of it as a result. I have grown significantly better, and hence will track mini-victories. I do not wish to forget how lonely I have felt in the beginning, not because I felt no one understood, but because no one actually understood. You never actually think you'll get better, it becomes hard to foresee any future, at least for me.

I did not switch on the telly at all today. I was listening to music, and my
colleague had put my playmode on my zen micro (which was another mini-victory in itself) in "Play All Music", and Praise and Worship came on. I became happy, even joyful, although whether this turn is just due to hormonal swing again is yet to be seen.

Today I deleted his phone number for good, and am glad I did so! Step by step, to a normal life again.

Comments on "mini victories are huge."


Blogger Ah 9 complained! (Friday, November 24, 2006 1:48:00 am) : 

A silent victory is always much desired...


Anonymous Anonymous complained! (Friday, November 24, 2006 3:05:00 am) : 

hi rn,
i haven't been reading your blog for long, so i don't really know about the details. just to share with you some of my experiences.

for the longest time since i can remember i've always had the urge to vomit in the morning, especially on days when i need to take exams. i always thought it was some morning sickness or just that i haven't had enough sleep. because i had also an experience with dieting when i was 18 that i always thought i had gastric problems that might account for it.

parallel to that, and other stuff happening, my school doctor referred me to the school psychaitrist on counts of depression. i was prescribed prozac.

a couple of days later, i started vomitting. usually, i only feel like vomitting, and not really vomit, but this time i seemed pretty serious. so i went to my family gp who thought that i had gastric problems referred me to do a stomach scan. the scan results showed that i was fine, so he thought perhaps it was because i was allergic to the combination of gastric medication and prozac.

i related this matter to my psychaitrist who stopped my prescription of prozac and prescribed me placebos. it turned out that i never had any gastric problems at all, the feeling of wanting to vomit is just a symptom of my anxiety.

now i'm not on any medication, slowly came to accept many things. i don't think that i can ever be like you and try to stop all those that i've been trying to use to comfort myself with, like coke, television and stuff, i heavily indulge in all those, still. instead, i'm trying to live a life with all my problems, and with all my comfort items, and be happy. might be a bit difficult, but i see all these as part of me.

maybe one day, i can quit my coke addiction for good yet still be happy, maybe one day i can move on in my life, maybe one day i might have to make another trip to the psychaitrist again, maybe... but despite all this, i still strongly feel that my life is going fine and i can be happy. yea... maybe it's just me who has a predetermined mindset that giving up addictions and deleting phone numbers is just a false sense of security.

hopefully it works for you though~

okay, think i've gone on too much and to long over a quite heavy topic, but yea, really wish you be happy~ that's the most important, be happy and no regrets~ good luck~


Blogger S t a r m | s t complained! (Sunday, November 26, 2006 12:00:00 pm) : 

""In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer."

*hugs* like you have said, there's no 'forgetting' nor 'letting go', but 'learning to cope with it'. congrats on being able to take that small but significant step.. indeed, mini victories are huge [hopefully i'll be able to do the same, ie; deleting his hp number, someday. but i can't, yet].


Blogger Jesuafreak complained! (Monday, December 04, 2006 2:58:00 pm) : 

Move on la...
Life is as such..

Nothing beats tomorrow..
Coz you wouldnt know what you get from it ...

And i atest that XXOOs is physcotic.. She actually stalked TK..

i was appalled of coz...


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