A billion people died on the news tonight/But not so many cried at the terrible sight/ Well mama said/
It's just make believe/You can't believe everything you see/ So baby close your eyes to the lullabies/On the news tonight

Saturday, December 10, 2005

What can I do?

It's always too good to be true for me. I'm learning to find back my childlike faith in Him, because I realise I fear that prayers will not come true when I am involved. But it has always been too good to be true for me.

I didn't dare believe it when she thought me a proper friend... and now, we seem to be not. I still have no idea what happened - and my lack of understanding is causing me so much frustration. I read her blog in anticipation, hoping to find a clue... only to dread checking it the next time, should there be a hint about me or not. I'm confused, filled with self-loathing, my heart aching so much.

I think about the plans I've made for the future, spurred on by a sister. She's supposed to be part of it, and now what do I do? Should I go ahead and then when it all blows over, let her in again (because she IS part of it) or should I just go ahead with him because I deem his role one of the most essential? Even if he sees me as miscellaneous, I will try to do my best. But the other is skeptical - insisting that it is likely to fail. I'm trying my best not to blow, because I've set up enough businesses to be detached. Trying to lecture me on the odds is not exactly the best thing to do because I go in for success - I do evaluate before I see if it's viable. If you go in with a view to fail, you will give up when there is trouble - "I knew this will happen." It's by experience. The reason why I never brought this up is because she will say I'm trying to "push her in" using my age - which I admit it does seem so. See what I mean when the failing factor is me? If they just did this plan without me, they will probably succeed.

The differing views in household stuff is making me not keen in answering my brother when he calls for me from the living room. I feel like I'm infringing on his and her space, just that bloody damn extra. I love them, but maybe if I just keep out a little, they might be happier...

Last night I fetched my best friend from that dreaded place in tras street (DPTS). I couldn't find her for 3 or so hours and then fell asleep in exhaustion from the day's events. When I woke again, I shifted sleeping position and then the phone rang. If I just kept out of the whole thing and asked her out more often to other places this would not have happened.

I am not self-bashing... and this feeling sucks. Why am I always the fail factor? Whenever I am doing something now, I have this tugging feeling that try as I may, something will sure screw up somewhere directly/indirectly caused by me. JR, I really don't know what to say, or what to do... Because whatever I say will make no difference and did I do say anything it will make things worse.

I should just continue my quest in shutting up, sitting down and do my things quietly.

Tomorrow's duty again, and I really look forward to it. Long to serve the Lord, but I can't shrug off that feeling of doom tomorrow. I might set the place on fire, haha.

Lord... I also don't know what to say. You see everything. I need this outlet, and I am just so.... I have no idea what word to put. I also don't know what to do, what to say. Wanted to ask Supanova out, but he's probably busy. Don't want to irritate the Faithful Non-Boyfriend, don't want to put Nincompoop in a spot if I ask him out and it's not very convenient. 过分美丽 has her own stuff to cool down at home, and... who else is there? Really? Honestly? That I can call out in the middle of the night to talk crap so I can gain my sanity back? Teddy's in KL and I'm pleading for him to come to Singapore so he can verbally smack me left, right and centre so I can 'wake up my ideas'.

I really don't know what to do, or what to say. Really. Am I lost? I know I am found... but what am I doing? I don't feel like stopping (typing), this is very therapeutic, but I really don't know what else I can write. I probably have caused a million misunderstandings up to here already.

At least I know my that one talent - creating trouble. Make friends, try to be closer, I end up losing them (normally because they keep thinking I like them)... try to counsel people probably cause them to go commit suicide. Try to be myself, irritate the shit out of others. Try to be what others want me to be, irritate the shit out of others AND me. And these friends I have in church now... I'll probably piss them all off some day soon. I'll probably have a fight with my best friend and my brother (the only good thing that might happen is that they will get married sooner, just to get a HDB flat and move away, or so I can move away with 'face'). My boss refused to confirm me, and I'm waiting for my termination letter anytime soon. My colleague - the female one might finally tire of me (since her friend already absolutely hates me anyway) and the male one might just go for lunch himself (so don't have to tahan my nonsense). They will sigh in a breath of relief: finally don't have to be polite with me and put up with my shit. I already have pissed out close friends in church, and probably more without knowing.

Suddenly, the crawl back to the shell seems like such a lovely option.. to just be able to ignore everything... but how can I go about causing all these shit to happen and hide again? I am not going to say, ah, but this is life. You make shit, you run... that's really a load of bullshit. Life isn't perfect, even Superman had to decide between Lois Lane and the world at time... and I acknowledge that.

But the question now is... what am I going to do? What can I even do?