A billion people died on the news tonight/But not so many cried at the terrible sight/ Well mama said/
It's just make believe/You can't believe everything you see/ So baby close your eyes to the lullabies/On the news tonight

Wednesday, November 09, 2005

I'm staring at this screen, wondering how to start. Thinking about all the repurcussions of this post. But it's MY blog and I desperately need to get it out. I know my brother and 大嫂 won't be reading this, his little sister's blog is too boliao (or all blogs) and she's just too busy for this. A lot of people may or may not read this blog, mostly friends I presume.

So why am I feeling so insignificant? I know, God's here, I know that lines and I believe in it. But with humans? Before moving, I thought, wow, cool, now staying with Bro, want to play boardgames don't have to arrange before hand, just all at home can play together. Of course I understand he's busy and tired and needs to unwind, and I have ruled out every possibility of him fetching me at all for any circumstance. Why should he? It's his car. To say that he's selfish for not fetching me would be a selfish thing to say indeed. But when it comes to my sister and him, why do I always feel that my time is not as important as theirs, and my work is not as important as theirs, albiet a bit less now? Over the years that has lessened but why did it exist in the first place? I remember whenever my sister came back from Sydney/Shanghai I found it hard to live with her. This is the girl that will mess up the bathroom and then the next day complain about how dirty I left it that she has to clean it up. She once complained that I'd flush sanitary pads into the WC but she herself did that. Of course she'll deny it. But I don't deny I do leave cups lying around, accidentally of course, but it's never a good excuse right? At least for me. She threw her makeup all over MY bed and then even stained her concealer on my new white top. It cannot be washed out. I mean, if I mess up, I won't mess up her bed when I'm in Shanghai loh. The most I'll mess up is my own living space.

And then there's my brother. I know he's really tired and busy but I end up not speaking at home because no one listens anyways. Sounds familiar with my old place? I started to tell my brother about the free chairlift I had today and he just ermed and ummed. I told them of my breathing problem and my appetite problem but they never enquired about it again. To his credit my brother brought the food up to my parents because I told him I wasn't feeling well. I know he really dotes on me in a way and I really am very blessed. Of course I am obviously not on the same "level" as his girlfriend but it doesn't feel good when the best I feel I can do is to just be as out of their way and give as little trouble as possible. Sometimes I feel like my life should just be this way. I try to be considerate and stuff but end up not being part of the group at all. But I can't strike a balance, I'm too dumb to.

And then in the office too, I try and try but my nature just screams when the office is too quiet. I absolutely love my siblings and I adore my colleagues, including the freelancer, but the one time it really got on my nerves was when I was on the phone and she walked into the office talking REALLY loudly. My concentration just went shot and I'm not very brilliant on the phone already. It's not her fault, she probably didn't notice it at first and I make the same mistake when my other colleague's on the phone. She's really a lovely person I believe, she's my colleague's really really really good friend, my boss's friend's girlfriend and also a friend of my boss in that sense. But I can't help feeling left out. Well, I'm not keen on branded stuff so when they talk about shopping I try but obviously I can't fit in. And when the 3 of them start talking... there's really no space for me. Sometimes I just feel like the super odd one out and then I feel the urge to just sink into the background. But it's just me being insecure and out of the place, as usual. Another thing. I share the phone line with my boss. Not that I use the phone a lot but sometimes we have to wait for each other to finish with the phone before we can use. With the new designer coming in, it's really absurd that it'll be the 3 of us sharing one line, even if he uses it really rarely. We have 2 lines in the office, why can't we split it up logically? It's not even about fairness - not that I have anything to say about that - but just common sense I think. I can predict nearing the publishing deadlines that the phone sure will be overheated. Like I said, it's not like I use the phone a lot (much less than I would like, actually) but it'll be nice to not have to wait and just go ahead and pick up the phone and dial when I need to call someone. Anyways, I'm sorry I lost that account, but I'm trying. If you really think I'm not suitable, I really want the best for the company and if that means having to fire me, please go ahead. I'm too vocal inside for my own good, and there's a million things I am dying to say but I can't because I would want to be considerate and fair.

I've been coughing but no one in the office asked. No one at home too. If anything, probably 大嫂, but not my brother.

And then there's my best friend. What do you do when your idea of fun doesn't match that of your best friend? I try to go out with her, pubbing and clubbing once in a while is fun. But I can't stand or dance for too long, the last dbl o trip had my knees crying for a week or so. I can't go to Mdm Wong, because that place to me is one that I have to move on from. I understand when you try to accomodate me. But how can drinking and clubbing be the ONLY thing in the world you enjoy? There's already a set mindset. And it pains me when I see her upset. I rather she cry it out than to stuff it inside and I never tire when I have to go pick her up, because this is what friends are for. I just wish that when she cancels our appointment she lets me know earlier and not make it a one-sided decision. I honestly felt sianess when she told me she was going taiwan - we agreed to go together. I wasn't unhappy that she was going, but the fact that she didn't tell me that her family was planning it at all. Sometimes I have that nigging feeling she's lying to me/us but I mean, what for? I'm hurt only because you saw the need to hide it from me. It's not like she has to report to me or any of us, it's her life. It's good to know what she's doing so we can watch each other's back - sometimes when I'll be back late I'll just sms her so if I go missing she knows where to get me. It's not her style of life I disagree with.. it's her lack of accountability especially when she knows people will be looking for her. I love her, she's my best friend and hence I cannot, absolutely CANNOT stop praying for her and worrying for her.

I'm really tired. I feel so small and insignificant. I can only fit into my brother's lifestyle, try to stand by my best friend, just work really hard silently. This is me, the very talkative and outgoing girl you're talking about, realising that the best sound sometimes should be within my heart.

Because all I produce, to them, is noise.

I'm really tired. I know Serene will be angry and hurt, but girl I really love you but can't help but feel this. Especially when you said your sister had some problems, and I called and smsed you trying to see if things were ok. I understood when you needed to cancel our appointment, of course it's ok, but that you just didn't reply my sms at all, from 10pm to 10am the next day. I love listening to you speak, because you rarely did in the past. Even if the happiness on your face came from buying something new, I always felt you looked prettier with a smile than a frown. When you found strength to let go of Jason, I really was happy because you were so miserable I found myself hating me for not being able to do anything.

I know my CG people will care, but it's ok. Because when I needed to go out sometimes, I understood when you guys are really not free. I'm not afraid of loneliness, but everyone at times don't want to be alone. It seems to happen to me a lot because I only have that few friends.

I know Christ is here, but I just need to get this out of my system. Because if anything, this is probably my fault - I don't deny this, not this one.

But it seems like all else I can do is wrong, all that is noticed are faults. I'm really very tired. Lucky for me the Faithful NonBoyfriend works our appointments into his. Ask people like Nincompoop out, I understand he's really busy. Ask people like the Gin Gang out, sometimes they oblige if it fits their schedule. Rain is busy with her life. Everyone's busy with theirs. With work, family, their own rest.

And somehow I'm just forgotten. Or chosen to be ignored.

And I don't know which one is worse.