I am smiling.

I am suddenly angry. I don't know why, perhaps, actually I do. Many small factors are building up, and I am pissed off. Why are relationships tagged with expectations? 'If you are a good daughter, you'll do the housework.' 'If you are my good friend, you'll go out with me.' 'If you love me, you would understand.' I remember my colleague M telling me about how she finds it hard to click with some of her friends nowadays and has gotten into a mini argument with one because she do not seek the same kind of life anymore. I wonder if S feels the same about me when I say she hasn't been spending time with us enough, alloting all to her boyfriend =( Maybe I've been a rotten friend. I probably am. I haven't been understanding enough. I am reminded of Aik.. And the guessing that I'll do forever to find out the exact reason he broke off with me. I must have been, unknowingly, the kind of girl friend that guys precisely hate to get. I've mentioned a million and one times about what a misfit I am. I cannot find reasons to why I am not. I can never get along with people. I think some people find me irritating.. And I know it is a matter of fact. I just cannot fit. For some reason, some people think that this is all an act. I have nothing to say to that, but my torn and broken heart that is only held together by the glue of Jesus. I long so much to have that small group of friends that I can call, talk to, the group that I know will be by my side. I don't. I know that there are people concerned and caring about me, but I cannot hide the fact that I am indulgent in their company. It is grace that He has generously given that I am allowed. "Scared scarred, more than a couple of times.." Humpback Oak lingers in the background, playing on my WMP. It is dark, yet it is a darkness that I long as I complete this post. The pain that I want to force out.. Perhaps I am sadistic. Perhaps I am masochist. How now, you are the obvious Brown Cow.. I am the obvious Turkey. I am not as cultured as I speak.. I don''t also get the point, I don't always understand what the songs are speaking about. I like Van Gogh, but that doesn't mean I am some advanced art student that should not be in your midst. I just like his paintings. I know that this is messy, but I am not really caring. I haven't been studying much this week and everyday I promise myself that I will do better the next day. I've been screwing up at work, and I will not be surprised if the 'Higher Management' decides to terminate me. Seriously. I've been screwing up in school, and I really don't want to drag this by more than one year. I am in agony. I hate the structure of the course. I feel like kicking myself for choosing this course. What was I thinking? Why didn't I just go do FSV in Ngee Ann? Why do I let pride take over me again and again? I am lucky that I have friends that are here for me at this moment of time.. People like Westin, Serene, Vicky, Linda, David, VC, Mandy, Chai Choo, June, Khae, etc etc.. I do not wish to test them, or doubt their love for me.. But I really wonder sometimes if I am in trouble, would they help or be able to help me.. I remember in Sec 2, there was this rather pretty girl that came to my class. I became friends with her, as I always do with lonely newcomers.. I don't have much friends, so I understand the feeling of being lost and having no one to ask about the structure. I really liked her as a friend, but she soon found friends, and I was 'out of her league'. She probably was only being nice with me and found me as a 'ok' friend.. she had really good friends after that in the class. I am not angry or sore over that. I am always friends with 'newcomers' and 'outcasts'.. until they cease to be the reason that I was able to befriend them.. it was like this with Wilson.. Thomas.. Brenda.. Nick.. and I am always lonely. Not that we ain't friends, but.. maybe I just have that secret hope that I make that one good friend in time to come.. but see, I must have been really irritating. I cannot forget the feeling of ultimate betrayal with Wilson.. I don't want to go into details, and I seriously hope that if one day I read this blog I will not remember what it was all about. If one day, I am accused of murder, and it's either me and some other person, say Brenda or that Sec 2 girl, who would 'my friends' in that group testify for? Who would vouch for my character? I know, from the pits of my heart, that my church friends would (I hope) defend me, and I am comforted by that. But what if it was between me and some other church member? They would speak the truth, they would say, that Lee was often bad-tempered, unrespectful, etc. There'll be not much good to speak of me. I wonder who'd actually read my blog.. and want to read my blog? Sometimes I am amazed at how dumb and irritating I can get. But I know God loves me. =) I know that the future will be better.. God sees. I am optimistic, I've said. And I am. I always see the better side of the situation. If someone complains to me about someone else, I normally take the other side.. to balance the thing off and also to seek reasons for that behavior, by both parties. I am a jug... I am easily shaped by circumstances but my main and basic principles remain.. I hope. I am a bag... I want to end with a prayer.. and a silent one for myself. Whatever I did, I'm sorry.. I never meant to piss anyone off, I don't wanna.. I'm quite used to be alone, and I am trying to get used to being alone and not lonely. I am a book... I, quite obviously, am having rather low moods.. but all these are from my heart. I am a drug.. I fear for Fang, my dear sis, please take care of your body. There are times I know we just irritate each other to the point of pissing each other off. Yet for all the shit I bring you, you have not rejected me and have continue talking to me and asking me for advice when you so do think I can give. I worry for Westin, my dear bro, your dreams are ahead of you.. you are capable of doing many good things, and I believe that God will reveal to you what they are, in time to come. I pray for Serene, my dear friend, you are beautiful inside, no matter what they say. You are good in your own right. You can do what you want, if you only allow yourself. God bless you, dear friend, who have not forsaken me, and stuck by me through all the shit. She is one person I know will vigourously defend me should anyone slander me in front of her. I thank God for VC, my dear boss, you are a leader. You probably realise the impact you have on others, do not longer look down on what you have. He has plans for you, and they are not mediocore. Don't worry, your suaning assures me. I thank God for the friendship we have. I celebrate Hope Church, my local church, and the people in it surrounding me. Thank you for your patience, love and understanding. Please understand that I am constantly fighting and struggling with new concepts. To my family, especially my siblings, thank you.. for putting up with me for these 21 years. I have been a pain in the ass, and it has not been easy on the both of you. I am really and sincerely sorry for any pain I've caused. I've never blamed you for anything, if any, just for being so perfect and nice to me. To anyone that I've not written anything to.. rest assured that I have not forgotten. But my words fail me. It's the dreaded music I listen to, it makes me so blue. God I pray that as I lay me to sleep tonight, You bless me and the people around me. Forgive me for my sins as You bring them to my attention. Teach me, dear Lord, to lead the life You long me to. Help me be a better person truly. Please bless these people I've mentioned.. I know you will. I'm sorry about the complications.. Apologising for the details.. Stressed Out by the weight, seriously you say. Stressed Out by the weight.. Stressed out. Numbered by the days. I seem really down here.. haha but I ain't.. it's just what I had to say. I am smiling, while listening to Humpback Oak. You have to be REALLY optimistic to do that. Hence the title. On hindsight it seemed really black, didn't it? Perhaps it was a release. I know this post is really messy, and while I'm bothered, I'm not particularly disturbed by it. Please don't be overly concerned.. lol =) if any, assurance from a person I rarely speak to seems really fake.