A billion people died on the news tonight/But not so many cried at the terrible sight/ Well mama said/
It's just make believe/You can't believe everything you see/ So baby close your eyes to the lullabies/On the news tonight

Saturday, December 09, 2006


I try not to self-diagnose. I am prone to that and hence take special care now to allay paranoia.

I'm quite problematic. Recently I've been feeling void, empty, lonely. People who know me well know what I can never quite fit in, and I've learnt to not struggle to make my voice be heard in my family.

In fact, I'm starting to prefer to keep to myself. This has gone on for a couple of years, but never stronger. Unfortunately, when I do see an opportunity for me to finally have a voice, I sometimes overcompensate. I can't help it. If I could, I wouldn't have been miserable in school, not having friends, not having real close friends.

So loneliness I am prone to. And the worst kind is the type where it strikes you while you're in a group. You chat, you talk, you socialise, but you know underneath it's all empty.

However, this month it has been odd. I've been telling friends online that I just want someone to hold me. Then, last week, a friend came by to game with me, and after all the excitement about Halo, right after he left, it came right back as if it just recovered from the 'pause' function. I started thinking about when this started and approached it with a step-by-step checklist, forcing myself to be downplay the actual feelings in my heart just in case. Then I saw an article in the Newpaper and it matched my initial suspicion.

Coincidentally my follow up with my psychiatrist was in the same week, and I started sharing with her, in a controlled manner: no more verbal vomit!. I wanted her to get my facts in a logical manner, and I sort of hoped I was wrong.

She confirmed it: I have mild depression on top of my GAD.

She explained to me that depression and anxiety disorders are interlinked and treated according to which symptoms the patient shows and to which end of the spectrum the patient is more inclined to. Actually, suicidal thoughts are only in more serious cases, so please don't worry. She also explained that it was common for patients to move along the spectrum and may have symptoms of both disorders.

I never felt more relieved. I seriously thought that I was a problem case! Heh. At least I know what's happening, and feel so much more in control now. All these senseless feelings of loneliness and void (it'll come at the strangest times and in the strangest events), the loss of concentration, the losing my train of thought way too often (and not being too coherent)... I'm not nuts! It's not extraordinary Alzheimer's! It's not something that is so rare that it'll be a gone case!

There are days where I sit in front of the work laptop, squinting at the Post-It notes of my prospects on my cubicle wall, and cannot remember if I just called them. Haha. I guess I have to stop using "I'm old liao".

The thing about loneliness is that it is a very awkward and unique emotion. Think about it this way: there is rarely a good reason for loneliness, besides breakups and the sudden loss of companionship - you always had someone there for you, but now you're all alone; and by alone, I do not mean physically. And because I had ample case-studies about friends and me, I conclude, but do not hold it to my word (because I cannot afford a lawyer or to be dragged into a long intellectual conversation on why I am wrong):

Loneliness is a state of being. It surpasses the control that an emotion has over a human, and behave in a generally different manner as compared to other emotions.

Ok I just lost my train of thought again. Argh. I'm not very crever already, and this happens. Ah well. At least I can blame my (increasing) bad writing on it! Hahahaha.

Suddenly craving for satay. Damn.

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