A billion people died on the news tonight/But not so many cried at the terrible sight/ Well mama said/
It's just make believe/You can't believe everything you see/ So baby close your eyes to the lullabies/On the news tonight

Friday, October 07, 2005

Of friends and men and love.

I know her heart is breaking, and I really hate myself for not being able to do anything about it. But how do you comfort a girl who's heartache comes from a guy that was never hers? Perhaps it was her own fault the last time round, she was still attached, and that hurt him probably, and mostly my fault for introducing them when I knew she might do something funny. But somewhere inside I was hoping that this new found love would give her courage to end the past one, the one that had dragged on and on and was making everyone tired.

He had no courage instead. A gentleman, no doubt, to fight for a woman who's already with another. We both thought she was ok, that there wasn't that kind of feelings left, after so long... both of us were wrong. That clubbing trip where she saw him with another girl made her fume with rage almost, and leave with some cocky bas***d for supper. The next one where he joined us, his playing along made her heart soar... but the higher you fly, sometimes, the harder you fall.

I knew what he was thinking. We didn't talk much, we didn't sms each other after that night, but I could guess perhaps what was in his mind. He was confused as well, I know, probably troubled like that time we saw him in the pool, or perhaps not. Perhaps he was just running away. But I could not tell her what I know, and girl, I know you might be reading this. I know, sometimes I tell you to just trust me, and this time, please... just trust me. If he comes to you, maybe something different would start, but for now, when he's hiding in a lone corner, just go on with your life.

Is there something within us humans that want to latch onto something emotionally? I experience that too, that pent-up emotional energy that I know I might lash onto some unwillingly (on both our parts), only to regret the insensitive action later on. I don't want to accidentally load this onto a guy that I'm just fond on, and I'm actually frustrated over this. Last night I was woken by a phone call. The Tribal Loner's friend, The Maggi Mee Guy, called me. I entertained him for a while, and got more and more awake every sentence passed in the conversation. He asked me then, "she still like him meh." The first thought that came within my mind was "Did he ask you to ask?" But I replied, "yes, and he knows."

The urge to flirt with him came within my mind, but I knew, what for? I don't fancy him, not in that way, not a little. He probably feels the same way, that this girl is just someone I can look for when I'm bored or what not. But I know that's not what I want. I can invest emotions into what I think is worth it, but like what I confided in the Family Man: [men, please] don't come to me when you're lonely, don't come to me when you're bored, don't come to me when all you want is sex, and don't come to me when you can't accept me totally, or when you know I can't have you. I have a lot of these, you'll be surprised. Probably guys who like me can't accept my character, and guys who like my character are too late.

But God, as trusty as He is, spoke to me last night. He reminded me of 3 things (which I promptly forgot because I was too lazy to get up and write them down) and what I remember was:
1) my celibracy promise - for a year or two? I'm not sure. But although I was single for nearly 2 years when this was made, from the promise to now only been a few months.
2) my 3 month promise - sandy knows of this. She's my living reminder.
3) I can't remember this one, but I have an uncertain vague idea. I might be wrong. Got to pray about it.
Nonetheless, when He spoke to me about this, I was relieved. I felt the burden that I placed on myself was lifted. He knows the way, and I hope she can walk with me in this way, because He has always been here for me, healing me, touching me, guiding me. I want her to experience this love too.

I love her, my best friend, the one who has seen me through all my shit (and vice versa) since I was 15. June asked me yesterday when I met her for dinner, "why do you and her still keep in touch?" I found that an absurd question, and I told her, "Contact is ongoing - like you and Bernard. You both will keep on calling each other, and stuff." She asked again, "Why are you close friends?" or something like that. She explained that was due to our differences that she asked, and replied her own question that perhaps it was due to exactly that that we're still friends. I've been asking her that question too, spurred on by a comic strip's series on that. She replied that it was perhaps we were different.

But I told June, on that moment of realisation, "We are different, but we are the same. (Before that I was telling her about the reason that both of us won't dump men) We have different interests, true, but we try to be involved in each other's life. I won't ask her along to those weird weird music events (I meant indie) because I know she won't be interested. But if I really want someone to come with me, and I ask her that, I know she'll oblige." In fact, the Zuo Bo Engineer also asked me the same question, "You don't know who she likes, then you this best friend is do what one..." (in his words la~) And I replied, stuttering, "I know if she has a boyfriend, she'll tell me first. And for me to be there for her, my reward would exactly be that: for me to be there for her. I don't delight in her pain, I'm not a sadist, but we are all human. We laugh, we cry, we cheer, we bemoan, we love, we hate, we hurt, we rejoice. And my reward is to be there for her each turn. Same for the rest of my friends: Samuel (God Bless you, bro!), Supanova, The Family Man, Rain (say a prayer for her), The Green Girl, June, Sandy, Kyoko, and all the other people that I am not able to state because I can't come out with enough nicknames haha, and also, I'm writing this at work. I still want this job, so I shan't risk it. As I was saying, my friends are important to me, and them being my friends are my reward.

And girl, I know you're hurting... and I am sorry I can't do anything. Although more than anything in the world I want to help you but there's nothing I, or you, can do about this. We just have to rough this out together... but remember, you're never alone. There's your family, your classmates, your friends, me, and God.

Comments on "Of friends and men and love."


post a comment