A billion people died on the news tonight/But not so many cried at the terrible sight/ Well mama said/
It's just make believe/You can't believe everything you see/ So baby close your eyes to the lullabies/On the news tonight

Monday, July 25, 2005

How apt

I was just tinkering around with my friendster today while taking a break when I saw this horoscope:

"You're usually quite cooperative with your boss. You may even be the subject of office gossip because of it. So when you back them up, it won't surprise anyone, but you may need to deal with a few raised eyebrows."

After clicking "read more..." this came:

"You've always had a great relationship with your superiors. In fact, they don't often treat you as if they're above you. Most times, you feel as if you're part of a family. That's exactly how you'll feel now when the higher-ups actually come to you for advice. If tongues start to wag, don't be too stressed about it. Everyone needs someone else to talk about. Isn't it really quite a lot of fun to entertain them for a while?"

Why did it not appear when I kenna shit for this senario? Not with just one boss, but quite a few. I am sorta used to being office gossip, and I used to go out with my ex-boss and his wife and would nag at my ex-boss to buy flowers for his wife and stuff. It was fun, being part of the group and when she was pregnant I wanted to be the god-ma but I was way too young to sponsor the kid something.

SKOM had cautioned me time and time again after the outburst happened. I don't know if it's intentional but I do get terribly sensitive if I perceive that a close friend is 'withdrawing'. I do get moody, trying to console myself. Not being free is one thing, not sharing is another. Gone are the days that I would crap on sms with a couple of friends. Some are busy, and I genuinely understand, but the void in the centre is... well... is it a good thing that I like being a hermit now? Just, please, do not say I am not, and throw me into the middle of the social circle and act like I am extremely loved and then turn back and say, "Ya right!"

But then I am happy and content for people like Jarain to be around me. Our friendship was actually built on each other's shit in the office I would think. Now, I like to tease her about wanting to be Chen Da Niang but I know that whatever God plans for her she would accept.

I do realise the drop of standard of language. This is what happens when you cease to blog actively. *laugh* And this always happens: I'll cry a poem of sorts or a lyric to some song and then a few months later I'll be amazed that I can put something together. My 'literary art' is becoming more and more crappy and it has already been tremendously crappy.

Richardson suggested that I should get a site tracker.

‘@’ Piggydives: they are a good tracker...
‘@’ Piggydives: and free too..
‘@’ Piggydives: you can track how many hits ..
‘@’ Piggydives: and where the users comes from.
sideAsideB: what for I want to track..
‘@’ Piggydives: well...u will know who and how they are reading to your blog.
sideAsideB: I am too christian for the normal bloggers and too secular for christians
sideAsideB: hahaha
sideAsideB: what for I want to know..
‘@’ Piggydives: well..
‘@’ Piggydives: u never know..:D
'@' Piggydives: like in my case, for the NKF incident....I logged a record high of 110 unique visitors..

'@' Piggydives: which normally my hits are around 20+
sideAsideB: haha
sideAsideB: great =)
'@' Piggydives: but since then..
'@' Piggydives: it has gone on the rise of 30+ to 50+ per day

I guess I can be bochap. I suspect that a grand total of 10 people read my blog on a good week, ie people like brown and their own friends don't blog. But well.. audience was never the main point. I just blog because I want to. bleah. so there.

Song of the post: Landy and Jay Chou's live version of "Wish me a happy birthday" as heard on www.live365.com

Sunday, July 24, 2005

Just trying to cheer up

You've got a little bit of Phoebe going on!

Um, ok! You're, like Phoebe. Ok, so you may not have Phoebe's, well, special intuition or, um, musical talent. But, like everyone's favorite beautiful-blond-psychic-masseuse, you never lie and your friends are the most important thing in your life. With an utterly free spirit like yours, some people see you as flaky. But creative, perceptive-as-heck, and eerily wise is more like it. You see the good in everyone, which could make your dating life a bit, well, uneven. But you always land on your feet with your humor, kindness, (and who-knows-what-from-beyond) as your guide.


I am just lying on the sofa.. too many things on my mind... when did I learn to worry? did all these things come when I started having a so-called stable job? Or did it come with commitment with the church? I don't know. Is it insecurity? I really don't know.

I'm sorry, bro and sis, if I caused you hurt and pain. I really didn't mean it. I really meant well. Perhaps the words I used were not right. I don't know if the both of you will read this. I don't speak on behalf of the leaders (this is me you're talking about! the problem child) and I hope you don't blame anyone else because it's just me and big mouth. Sorry sis, you're like another to me and your bf is like a brother to me. I pray you guys will not hold it again me.

A round tummy makes me happy

I like this photo a lot. Shernice sat next to me for the the Marriot High Tea event that our heads managed to arrange for the department. I am extremely blessed to have colleagues that care about me. Anyways I managed to upgrade my bicycle spare tire that I bring around to one of a monster truck. But it was a happy process... I love Marriot buffets that others pay for. *grin*

I can't blog about Kapas yet because Khae have not posted the pics online due to work commitments. But it's ok... some things cannot be expressed in pictures or words. The experience I had was beautiful. But I'll blog about it when I get the pics.

I rarely watch movies. On Wednesday I watched a movie with yc and gr and the first scene made me dizzy because the camera-man handheld his camera instead. Once I got used to it, the beauty of the film made me suspect it was an artistic piece but after the movie I realised that it was actually a blockbuster in Japan last year. It was really quite well done, and I kinda liked the editing. THIS IS A SPOILER. I really like this photo. This young boy really moved me to tears. I am planning to borrow the chinese translation of the book (It started from a novel, then to a drama serial... and a movie now to top it.) but it's really hard to find. It's always on loan. Anyways, the young boy's acting, the reluctant realisation of reality tugging onto his little heart, that something suddenly found is suddenly lost and he really cannot accept it. The show is very subtle, not at all like Qiong Yao's shows (My sister used to say that Qiong Yao is 每篇小苦,每三篇大哭,每五篇有人死). I thought that my tears started dropping in the middle of the show. However, I realised that it was only 1/3 in. I am not one that is proud of my sentimentality but I really really liked this show. heh.

Really crappy. Trying to start musing again. My muses are either not writing out of laziness or too busy to. Btw, KOM, I am really glad for you, pardon me if I am wrong but you seem much happier nowadays. =) Paiseh hor, I am still so irritating.

The tv plays on aimlessly
trying to fill up the unintended void
I stare at the black sky
Out the little window
The starless sky
replies my unsaid questions
undefined and without parameters
God, what should I do
The little nigging thoughts
nagging and pulling my mind
I shut it out
but they push back
unforgiving and blaming
"no!" I cry
but they do not obey
and they overwhelm me
wrestling me to the ground
"How long more, Lord!
How long will I be beaten
How much longer before
sweet redemption will
ease the heavy heart of mine."
I know His answer will come
if only I am willing
I am, Lord, please
before I drive myself crazy.

And I await
Your sweet reply.

Tuesday, July 19, 2005

I'll sing, because, no matter what, the world cannot take away your love.

I have not have had a post out for quite a while. The truth is, I have had a few drafts but I never had the strength to finish it. I started thinking a few days back, on why I felt that I had to blog about that certain incident? Many things have had happened since my last post and I felt obliged to blog about them all.

But I will not.

Last Sunday during service, something very clear came across to me while the Praise and Worship was going on. I was distracted, as usual, by my thoughts and my surroundings... But I know a message was given to a couple of sisters and Ps Lawrence as well and they relayed it to the congregation. I cannot remember the message now. But what I remember is suddenly, a grief came upon me. I started to tear and wept. Inside, I was asking Him, why? What am I crying for? For what happened to me in MS? For what pain it caused in me? For my own myopia? For my selfishness? For the realisations of my cowardice when I was in Kapas? For the sad point that my best friends did not try to meet up with me for my birthday? For the lasting low-ness amongst the mood swings I have felt? For the fact that I have been placed on tranquilizers last month? For the pain I feel when I realise that the closeness between us as friends have been lost forever? For the fact that the people that I wanted to know that they cared do not at all?

Or what?

I don't know. But in my mind (I'm sure it's my own understanding) a word came forth. "Closure." I need to realise that. I need to see inside that all of it is... gone? Is that the right words? I know, inside, what closure means. It means I have to let go, totally.

But how easy is that?

Too many incidents coupled with my oversensitive spirit have burned it into me. I cannot change my oversensitivity, but I have been trying to not react when I get suspicious. That has not been easy, eating up my insides. [I deleted a nice huge essential chunk of my post by accidentally deleting everything - how that happened I have no idea but thank God for their "recover post" feature that saved up to here. I will try to recall my flow of words but obviously they are not as good as the original. Bear with me (I know you have, all these while, all the 3 of you)] I have learnt to be bochap when I can foresee it is going to hurt.

That isn't right, you say. I know, because that is what I have resisted all these while: being bochap and indifferent.

But I rejoice when I am happy, and I grieve when I am sad. I am bochap when I can foresee me being overwhelmed, hurting inside with no proper outlet and with no good consequence.

But I seek closure.

I just read one of my other posts and then I knew. At the moment of writing that post I was battling a sin, an addiction that I am still battling now. And I know that I cannot win this, not on my own. I have identified a pattern though and it's good. I realise when my life starts falling apart (pretty often), it's when I have drifted away from Him. When I was in Kapas, on the 2nd day I decided not to join them out of fear when they canoed to the marine park and snorkeled there. I canoed in the waters in front of the beach that housed my accommodation and while I was just resting on the canoe [This is about where I stopped the last time round, before I so intelligently deleted my post. If it is still lousy from here I have no excuse. ;)] I was just admiring the scenery around me. After a few minutes I realised I drifted further from shore. On the first day, when the whole group of us canoed, there was a moment where the other 2 canoes were far from me and the shore (I, being the scary cat I was, stuck near to the shore) and I realised that they were drifting when they rafted. I was screaming all the while, "No, we turn back now, it's very far already, and stay close to shore!" Party pooper. *laughs* After CG last Thursday I realised that the drifting when I was alone was a good metaphor that He tried to show me but I probably took too long to realise. When I paddle while I was in the canoe, I of course am on the move and hence do not drift... but when I do nothing I drift. Isn't it a perfect example? When we do nothing with and for God, when we do not take the effort to 'paddle', we drift. And I have been drifting. It's a good time to start using that paddle of mine and stroking nearer to Him. I enjoy the "heave-ho" of canoeing and the watery wind in my face. I remember a long time ago, I was thinking.. wow my life is in order for once.. and that was when I made the effort to pray every night. I love prayer and I thank God for intercession and I know He wants me to continue doing so.

I will put my life "in order" by "paddling".

You see, when my addiction was at a all-time low, it was when I was immersed in Him. Now, when I realise that the 'friends' around me are.. I don't know. I know I am glad for people like June, Kim, Jarain, etc but I have had "close" friends who don't wanna meet up when they are attached, and that grieves me because I try, I ask, but they rather stay home. They don't msn me when I am online and they do not reply to mine... why should friendships stop when we get attached? That does not make sense. Why do I only know of your new job when you call others then me to ask if I want to join in? Then there are those who... Jarain, Fanghui, KOM, Westin, you guys know. I don't want to talk about it but I want to say this: to this day, all of you, I will hold close to my heart. I will not tell you how important you are to me, but I never abandon my friends knowingly and to me, friends take the good with bad. If I have offended you I am sorry, but beyond that I am not apologetic for my character that I am trying to improve for God but progress needs time. But if you guys cannot accept me, I cannot help it and I will not grieve because I have grieved enough. I am glad for friends who have stood by me all this time and supported me and prayed for me, because you guys seriously have no idea how this whole thing trumatised it. I do not think that anyone will read this, which is fine by me because I needed to let it out. There, it's out. I remember VC asking me why I decided to stay. Such disharmony (he cannot stand disharmony), he would have left. Then I told him that I realised what was important. When the support of Shernice and Co came about without my asking for it, I realised that I did not have to focus on what was unimportant but just remember what was close to my heart. I know I am sweeping with a very wide broom here but please understand that I cannot bear to name specifics - the situations or the people.

My senario now is similar. The only way I can quieten this moody heart of mine is to give it to God. The only way that I can grow, is to be with the Lord.

And this obvious situation brings joy to me. It is harder to realise than it seems to be, but I remember someone told me, "if you want to do something and you find yourself struggling, you need to WANT to do it. Example, quitting smoking: if you have trouble quitting, you got to want to want to quit smoking." It makes sense to me. I want to want to grow. Growing brings about a quiet joy in me and a loud rejoice in my heart.

All in all, I'll sing, because, no matter what, the world cannot take away your love.