A billion people died on the news tonight/But not so many cried at the terrible sight/ Well mama said/
It's just make believe/You can't believe everything you see/ So baby close your eyes to the lullabies/On the news tonight

Wednesday, November 23, 2005

on Eagles Wings we will soar

Friend, I don't know if you're reading this. I'm probably not the 1st 100 people you'll think of when you're hurting, but that's ok with me. If you know me as I am, I'm just content to be there, far away where you'll be comfortable with, praying for you.

I read in your blog that you're hurt, you're seeing someone near to your heart down, and that probably affects you as well. In the midst of the emotional whirlpool, you're seeking where you should be in God's Kingdom, and then there's also the coming academic and career related decisions to make on the horizon. In all of these, I sense a heart, trying to move forward, move backwards, move up, move down, stay still, not really knowing what to do, but knowing precisely what you must do and such.

Friend, I'm not going to say, give it all to God and all your problems will be solved, because I know what implications are usually there when it's about the heart. But I'm saying, give your hurt and pain and worries to Him... it may not elevate the anxiety and slight blues you have within because we're all human, but give it to Him, because only in our broken-ness can He complete us.

I remember a certain Thursday CG at Fairfield when I, feeling rather dandy and happy actually, felt Him telling me to kneel. I was not compelled to kneel, and I was puzzled as to why, but bowed in His Greatness, and then I started weeping as the CG continued to sing "Eagles' Wings". I went on sobbing, feeling extremely sad but extremely puzzled, because I didn't know why I was sad. I started to question myself and Jesus, why, why am I feeling this way? Tell me, so I can dwell and pray on it. But it didn't come, and I started dissecting my life, in the midst of the weeping. I felt that I needed to lay prostrate, and kowtowed down to His Greatness.

He told me that He was no longer number 1 in my life.

I had allowed my own worries about my knee and ankles to take a life of their own, using my own abilities to settle problems and praying and being a christian only when I needed to.

That night of crying, kneeling head down on the floor, ignoring the pain in my lower limb joints is one night that I want to remember as one of the nights that changed my life. We can forget God, even when we are doing very "Godly" things like Shepherding, P&W, etc.

I don't know why I brought this up, but I know I had to.

Friend, just remember, when you feel so alone, or when you feel that a certain hope has been used to its end or when it seems just so blue, that He's here, your CG is there for you, your other brothers are praying for you, and that there'll always be sisters like me whom may not keep in constant contact with you but is praying for you always. Friends forever, even if we don't talk much.

1 Thessalonians 5:12-24

Now we ask you, brothers, to respect those who work hard among you, who are over you in the Lord and who admonish you. Hold them in the highest regard in love because of their work. Live in peace with each other. And we urge you, brothers, warn those who are idle, encourage the timid, help the weak, be patient with everyone. Make sure that nobody pays back wrong for wrong, but always try to be kind to each other and to everyone else. Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus. Do not put out the Spirit's fire; do not treat prophecies with contempt. Test everything. Hold on to the good. Avoid every kind of evil.

May God himself, the God of peace, sanctify you through and through. May your whole spirit, soul and body be kept blameless at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ. The one who calls you is faithful and he will do it.

No one loves me like You do - Jars of Clay

Collapsing was much softer/Still falling always hurt/Only after sensing your love /For always ever burned
You justified my folly/My affluent disguise/Removed revealing nothing/Yet nothing unforgiven lies/Unforgiven lies
No one loves me like you/No one loves me the way you do/No one loves me like you/No one loves me the way, the way that you do
To touch the rose unfearful/Is to meet the thorn/And pierce the heart's emotion/And feel the emptiness no more/Emptiness no more
Took some time to realize I've fallen

Monday, November 21, 2005

Rose is Rose

This is what cats must think: Link

Warning to Leaves... should do the same to cockroaches - gut them and hang them by their stomach as a warning: Link

Being sensitive to others' feelings: Link

So we exist for fame in the future generations

Not applicable for those who believe in salvation: because we know why we are here for!

Full Link here

Friday, November 18, 2005

at least 30%

You Are 70% Boyish and 30% Girlish
You are pretty evenly split down the middle - a total eunuch.
Okay, kidding about the eunuch part. But you do get along with both sexes.
You reject traditional gender roles. However, you don't actively fight them.
You're just you. You don't try to be what people expect you to be.

Tuesday, November 15, 2005

*beam* Mr Miyagi *beam*

Mr Miyagi on Nov 15th, 2005 at 12:01 am
Reader of the month, rationalneurotic! Thank you, thank you.

rationalneurotic on Nov 15th, 2005 at 7:37 am
I might not be the exact person doing so… but if I am hahahha got prize or not? *beams*

I am reader of the month!!!!! while I can't put it on my resume, but still, reader of the month! To tell the truth, I've always thought Mr Miyagi was quite cute. Ok ok, I know my taste in men have always been a bit... erm.. alternative. But he's funny and intelligent and has good blood in him (Lee also mah~) Hahahaha my best reward will be for him to put me as one of the chio-bus in his blog... but if he does so, readership will decrease: most of his readers might be convulsing and foaming at their mouths.

Well, of course if my boss reads this, I am screwed! But... Mr Miyagi leh!!

think he's gonna get spooked

agnes: quirky pervertic pessimism defined

Friday, November 11, 2005

a bra to save the world

"Heated bra aims to save the world: A leading lingerie company has joined Japan's fight against high fuel use, unveiling a heated bra for winter...

...Lingerie giant Triumph unveiled the bra months after PM Junichiro Koizumi urged Japan's office workers to ditch ties to save on air conditioning."

-BBC News

Reading on, it means... to keep yourself warm, just wear this bra.

Wait, what about men? Oh no, "Men cross-dress in bid to keep warm in winter." I can just imagine it now. Since the Japan PM had already ditched his tie *gasp!* in a bid to get them to turn down the aircon in the summer, maybe his wife can wear this bra according to instructions (I heard it's enough to sustain you, just this bra, without other clothing) in winter! Never saw the logic to freezing air conditioning temperatures anyways: too busy freezing and shivering to do any work.

Since in Singapore we are obviously NOT in the need for a heated bra (do you seriously want your boss to be wearing this bra and shorts set, walking around in the freezing office aircon atmosphere? oh wait, you do.), maybe we could have our team of innovative engineers come up with something similar: the cooling bra! Sort of something like the skin-cool bra by Ero Lingerie but with an internal cooling device! Cool eh? Well, erm, maybe then we can move on to the male underpants version. I am NOT going into how some, erm, body parts, erm, react, erm, to coldness.

I don't know, maybe as the winter is setting in for the Earthquake victims in Pakistan, Triumph could, in an act of social marketing, no I mean global citizenship, donate some to them to keep them warm since they will not be able to warm themselves without a shelter, thick clothes and/or clean warm water? And it might even "provide a little fashion chic" as Triumph says.

Full of Gas

Damnit! Sprained my ankle again. Just as I feel like it's getting much better. Think I really have to go for Osteopath treatment... sigh...

And now, 2 gas/fuel related comics..

Thursday, November 10, 2005

End of a phase.

Girl, it's not you, I presume a lot of things especially when I'm thinking too much, and I'm not asking for Sorrys. You can just tell me what you are thinking, and that'll be enough. Please don't dress up your words, just be yourself.. but talk more. It's not stupid or worrying, if we know where you are that's all. I mean, you're 22 for goodness sake. I think at this age, in normal circumstances we all are intelligent enought to take care of ourselves, so what for am I disputing that about you?

You are a good friend. You've always been.

I think this will be the last time I'm blogging on my feelings. I'm causing others to feel hurt, and that's not my aim. But I am not shutting down this blog, I'll go mad. I've grown cynical and bitter, and I'm not going say it's because it's due to the shit I went through that certain time, because circumstances will happen, but we are the ones handling. I'm going back to the happy-feel-lucky formula that I used to have. Songs and comics, etc.

Maybe then, all of us will be happy.

Wednesday, November 09, 2005

I'm staring at this screen, wondering how to start. Thinking about all the repurcussions of this post. But it's MY blog and I desperately need to get it out. I know my brother and 大嫂 won't be reading this, his little sister's blog is too boliao (or all blogs) and she's just too busy for this. A lot of people may or may not read this blog, mostly friends I presume.

So why am I feeling so insignificant? I know, God's here, I know that lines and I believe in it. But with humans? Before moving, I thought, wow, cool, now staying with Bro, want to play boardgames don't have to arrange before hand, just all at home can play together. Of course I understand he's busy and tired and needs to unwind, and I have ruled out every possibility of him fetching me at all for any circumstance. Why should he? It's his car. To say that he's selfish for not fetching me would be a selfish thing to say indeed. But when it comes to my sister and him, why do I always feel that my time is not as important as theirs, and my work is not as important as theirs, albiet a bit less now? Over the years that has lessened but why did it exist in the first place? I remember whenever my sister came back from Sydney/Shanghai I found it hard to live with her. This is the girl that will mess up the bathroom and then the next day complain about how dirty I left it that she has to clean it up. She once complained that I'd flush sanitary pads into the WC but she herself did that. Of course she'll deny it. But I don't deny I do leave cups lying around, accidentally of course, but it's never a good excuse right? At least for me. She threw her makeup all over MY bed and then even stained her concealer on my new white top. It cannot be washed out. I mean, if I mess up, I won't mess up her bed when I'm in Shanghai loh. The most I'll mess up is my own living space.

And then there's my brother. I know he's really tired and busy but I end up not speaking at home because no one listens anyways. Sounds familiar with my old place? I started to tell my brother about the free chairlift I had today and he just ermed and ummed. I told them of my breathing problem and my appetite problem but they never enquired about it again. To his credit my brother brought the food up to my parents because I told him I wasn't feeling well. I know he really dotes on me in a way and I really am very blessed. Of course I am obviously not on the same "level" as his girlfriend but it doesn't feel good when the best I feel I can do is to just be as out of their way and give as little trouble as possible. Sometimes I feel like my life should just be this way. I try to be considerate and stuff but end up not being part of the group at all. But I can't strike a balance, I'm too dumb to.

And then in the office too, I try and try but my nature just screams when the office is too quiet. I absolutely love my siblings and I adore my colleagues, including the freelancer, but the one time it really got on my nerves was when I was on the phone and she walked into the office talking REALLY loudly. My concentration just went shot and I'm not very brilliant on the phone already. It's not her fault, she probably didn't notice it at first and I make the same mistake when my other colleague's on the phone. She's really a lovely person I believe, she's my colleague's really really really good friend, my boss's friend's girlfriend and also a friend of my boss in that sense. But I can't help feeling left out. Well, I'm not keen on branded stuff so when they talk about shopping I try but obviously I can't fit in. And when the 3 of them start talking... there's really no space for me. Sometimes I just feel like the super odd one out and then I feel the urge to just sink into the background. But it's just me being insecure and out of the place, as usual. Another thing. I share the phone line with my boss. Not that I use the phone a lot but sometimes we have to wait for each other to finish with the phone before we can use. With the new designer coming in, it's really absurd that it'll be the 3 of us sharing one line, even if he uses it really rarely. We have 2 lines in the office, why can't we split it up logically? It's not even about fairness - not that I have anything to say about that - but just common sense I think. I can predict nearing the publishing deadlines that the phone sure will be overheated. Like I said, it's not like I use the phone a lot (much less than I would like, actually) but it'll be nice to not have to wait and just go ahead and pick up the phone and dial when I need to call someone. Anyways, I'm sorry I lost that account, but I'm trying. If you really think I'm not suitable, I really want the best for the company and if that means having to fire me, please go ahead. I'm too vocal inside for my own good, and there's a million things I am dying to say but I can't because I would want to be considerate and fair.

I've been coughing but no one in the office asked. No one at home too. If anything, probably 大嫂, but not my brother.

And then there's my best friend. What do you do when your idea of fun doesn't match that of your best friend? I try to go out with her, pubbing and clubbing once in a while is fun. But I can't stand or dance for too long, the last dbl o trip had my knees crying for a week or so. I can't go to Mdm Wong, because that place to me is one that I have to move on from. I understand when you try to accomodate me. But how can drinking and clubbing be the ONLY thing in the world you enjoy? There's already a set mindset. And it pains me when I see her upset. I rather she cry it out than to stuff it inside and I never tire when I have to go pick her up, because this is what friends are for. I just wish that when she cancels our appointment she lets me know earlier and not make it a one-sided decision. I honestly felt sianess when she told me she was going taiwan - we agreed to go together. I wasn't unhappy that she was going, but the fact that she didn't tell me that her family was planning it at all. Sometimes I have that nigging feeling she's lying to me/us but I mean, what for? I'm hurt only because you saw the need to hide it from me. It's not like she has to report to me or any of us, it's her life. It's good to know what she's doing so we can watch each other's back - sometimes when I'll be back late I'll just sms her so if I go missing she knows where to get me. It's not her style of life I disagree with.. it's her lack of accountability especially when she knows people will be looking for her. I love her, she's my best friend and hence I cannot, absolutely CANNOT stop praying for her and worrying for her.

I'm really tired. I feel so small and insignificant. I can only fit into my brother's lifestyle, try to stand by my best friend, just work really hard silently. This is me, the very talkative and outgoing girl you're talking about, realising that the best sound sometimes should be within my heart.

Because all I produce, to them, is noise.

I'm really tired. I know Serene will be angry and hurt, but girl I really love you but can't help but feel this. Especially when you said your sister had some problems, and I called and smsed you trying to see if things were ok. I understood when you needed to cancel our appointment, of course it's ok, but that you just didn't reply my sms at all, from 10pm to 10am the next day. I love listening to you speak, because you rarely did in the past. Even if the happiness on your face came from buying something new, I always felt you looked prettier with a smile than a frown. When you found strength to let go of Jason, I really was happy because you were so miserable I found myself hating me for not being able to do anything.

I know my CG people will care, but it's ok. Because when I needed to go out sometimes, I understood when you guys are really not free. I'm not afraid of loneliness, but everyone at times don't want to be alone. It seems to happen to me a lot because I only have that few friends.

I know Christ is here, but I just need to get this out of my system. Because if anything, this is probably my fault - I don't deny this, not this one.

But it seems like all else I can do is wrong, all that is noticed are faults. I'm really very tired. Lucky for me the Faithful NonBoyfriend works our appointments into his. Ask people like Nincompoop out, I understand he's really busy. Ask people like the Gin Gang out, sometimes they oblige if it fits their schedule. Rain is busy with her life. Everyone's busy with theirs. With work, family, their own rest.

And somehow I'm just forgotten. Or chosen to be ignored.

And I don't know which one is worse.

Tuesday, November 08, 2005

Why are we killing each other?

He makes a good point. I don't know about othe faiths, but when I hear of the Christian-Muslim fights in Indonesia, some being started by Christians (here, meaning of salvation in Christ - both Catholics and Protestants), I want to tell them this and this.

Dai Kor:

"If I were this God that they worship, I would be indeed sad to see how these various faction of the faith is denouncing each other and attempting to convert ,if not kill, each other.

If one to sit down and play more attention to the spiritual political environment around us, do we see the Buddhist waging wars against Christians or Muslims? Or even the Hindus against the Buddhist? All the major conflicts out are stems from the same groups of people, here in known as the People of the Book.

If Peace is what we are trying to achieve, then why are the people of the book waging terrors against themselves and others? Let's not quote from the Holy Books here. I believe God has his own purpose for allowing things to happen."

Full Link here

Monday, November 07, 2005

guest post 2

It???'s me again??? I will be going Taiwan soon, this sat, 12th of Nov???. will be gone for 8 days.. so happy, can go there find my Shaowei???.. u all noe who is he??? 5566 one.. tat most gd-looking one. Tall, cute, gd-looking, funny???. Totally my ideal bf type.

If u all have been reading my blog, well should know I have been trying to lost wt recently. Lee always say envy my figure???. Actually I also envy her figure, last time very thin one??? now still ok ah, still thin???. At least still thinner den me ma. She also always say she looks pregnant???.aiya,got meh?????
Weight??? only a number???. Ya, I know???. But probably coz I had a unhappy childhood ba, relatives always like to say I fat??? so have very low self-esteem???. That??? why this number means a lot to me. But maybe coz I vain ba???. I wan to be the center of attraction for once???. I wan to be the prom queen for next yr graduation.

Back to my Taiwan trip topic, yeah???. Can go there shop and eat good food??? can eat my fav Xiao Long Bao???. But sian lo, come back sure will put on weight???. Nvm, go there enjoy 8 days??? come back den diet n exercise???. Dun miss me when I m gone k???? coz I???l be back???..

Her blog is cherrine.blogspot.com.

pure evil

for nincompoop: hahaha you realise the colour is blue, of the team you dislike the most? Also, got similar waistline and balding spot... wahahahaha

adopt your own virtual pet!

for the GreenXboxMan: the colour is befitting right? also... it kinda looks like you, no?

adopt your own virtual pet!

wle! how come theirs got apple, spray and carrot? maybe mine's already too cute ;p

I am so going get it from them heh heh

of course the greatest similarities is that both of them are as cute as these!

not smart

Someone on MSN: Not Sleeping?
Me: No, I'm actually sleeping. My spirit rose out from my body to chat on MSN.

*smack head*

you had every right to do what you did

So what you're right
So what I'm wrong
Go ahead sue me
I'm not really bothered anymore

So who's actually listening
To all the shit you spew
Go ahead rate me
I'm next to the wrong side of nothing

Glad to know I'm something to you
Glad to know you care
Glad to see the hypocrisy rearing its ugly head

So all these are bullshit
Who really gives a damn
Glad to know you actually tired to get me off my head

Here, take your trophy
I'm sorry for all the trouble I've caused
If I wasn't such a bitch
you needn't had to gather up the ammounition

Here, take your reward
It's all my bloody damn fault
If I wasn't totally human
You needn't had to turn my friends against me

Oh wait
I can't blame you
since none of these ''friends" actually bothered
To stand in my defence

OK. Here I am
here's a knife
Go ahead
No one's stopping you
It's my own bloody fault
I'm bloody imperfect
I'm too human to fit into your mould

You had every right to do what you did

it's not a 'dark' period in that sense, but just something I wrote. thanks for concern but no case for alarm.

Psalm 6 and other mentions

Inspired by Neoh, this is the first psalms that I've ever memorised. Well, actually because it was short and I thought, "This is a nice one."

Psalm 6

For the director of music. With stringed instruments. According to sheminith.[a]
A psalm of David.

1 O LORD, do not rebuke me in your anger
or discipline me in your wrath.
2 Be merciful to me, LORD, for I am faint;
O LORD, heal me, for my bones are in agony.

3 My soul is in anguish.
How long, O LORD, how long?

4 Turn, O LORD, and deliver me;
save me because of your unfailing love.

5 No one remembers you when he is dead.
Who praises you from the grave [b]?

6 I am worn out from groaning;
all night long I flood my bed with weeping
and drench my couch with tears.

7 My eyes grow weak with sorrow;
they fail because of all my foes.

8 Away from me, all you who do evil,
for the LORD has heard my weeping.

9 The LORD has heard my cry for mercy;
the LORD accepts my prayer.

10 All my enemies will be ashamed and dismayed;
they will turn back in sudden disgrace.

[a] Psalm 6:1 Title: Probably a musical term
[b] Psalm 6:5 Hebrew Sheol

Actually, I've been getting a couple of attacks by the evil one recently. The images flashing have returned, and although I wanted to speak to gr about it, somehow it slipped by mind. I was quite disturbed by it during CG and actually CC can attest that I've been in need of prayer for a while. Dear all, please pray for me that I will not be overcome but to be able to triumph over the darkness as I seek the Lord.

But life's been good. On MSN with Supanova:

Supanova: how're u?
Me: fine fine. trying to live =)you?
Supanova: great
Supanova: thank the Lord for guidance
Me: =)
Supanova: thank the Lord for everything
Supanova: i'm a happy man...
Me: =)
Me: share your joy?
Supanova: well... things with me and my girlfriend are great recently... got a job... got a license...
Me: heh =)
Supanova: no lack of stuff
Supanova: at least for this particular moment
Supanova: life's great
Me: heh =)

He was going through a particularly rough patch this year: a terrible fight with his girl, an uncertain career choice, a doublewhammy of failing his first driving test and also not doing very well for his U exams.. but look what God had done! Supanova trusted the Lord and things, well, not fantastic but better than ever. Things can and might get better, may His Will be done. =) Supanova was also very kind to drive me down to Tanjong Pagar that night when 过分美丽 sat sobbing by the curb. He has always been those kinda of BFG, although he ain't that huge sized =)

Another guy that deserves worthy mention is The Faithful Non-Boyfriend. Facing my first time at the new place alone, he agreed to come over and stand guard against my invisible and impossible-but-might-materialise-in-my-irrationality fears. One night, we met for dinner. Actually he bought dinner over to my place. Leaving my office I called him and told him that it looked like it was going to rain and poor moi had no umbrella or shelter to my place. He waited for me to ask but gave up and offered: ok loh, if so, I'll be suay but I'll fetch you from the bus stop. heh heh ;p

So blessed by my buddies =)

Tuesday, November 01, 2005

guest post 1

This post is lovingly written by my best friend, dearest 过分美丽. NB: This boyfriend she's mentioning was with her for only a month or so... quite ok-looking dude but character... erm... ok la~ only.


Bimbo’s here…. I m not brainless nor big breasted…. I juz like tis nickname tat’s all. Well, my ex-bf juz msged me, he’s been msgin me the whole day today. Ask me got plans for today or not, exam’s finished? Well, I replied a few.
His last msg: I dreamt of you while takin a nap juz now.
Me: oh, wat’s the dream abt?
Him: dreamt tat we were kissing.
Me: ( didn’t bother to reply )
Him: so u now got bf or not?
Me: (still thinking whether I shld reply)

So wat is he tryin to imply??? I dunno and I dun wan to noe. Last time when we were together, I m the one tat made the first move. But think we didn’t last for more den a month. He broke up with me, say we r not suitable for each other. Well, ok I accepted it. My feelings for him were all gone, I dun mind being frens….. meet up once in awhile for dinner n stuff….. but nothing more den tat…..
The GreenXboxMan, thrilled by(footnote 1) being on my blog, albeit one that no one reads, started to write me stuff on MSN that can be something for your blog.

Me: harlow
Me: no go out?
GreenXBoxMan: hi
GreenXBoxMan: nope
GreenXBoxMan: in office
GreenXBoxMan: got some stuff to do
Me: .................................=_=|||
Me: deepavali leh
Me: singapore has VERY little public hols already
GreenXBoxMan: so
GreenXBoxMan: no difference
Me: should take good use of them ma
GreenXBoxMan: and do what?
Me: rest
Me: play
Me: pak tor
GreenXBoxMan: erm
GreenXBoxMan: rest = waste time
Me: get high
GreenXBoxMan: play = waste time. my job anyway
Me: hahhaa
GreenXBoxMan: pak tor = waste time and money
GreenXBoxMan: get high = (see pak tor)
GreenXBoxMan: haha
GreenXBoxMan: something for your blog
GreenXBoxMan: lol
Me: hahahaha

tsk tsk tsk


footnote 1
The GreenXboxMan clarifies...

was not meant to be that
i am not trilled
i just meant the conversation is some fruit for thought

Orh. Ok he's not thrilled, it's fruit for thought. =)

Happy Deeparaya!