A billion people died on the news tonight/But not so many cried at the terrible sight/ Well mama said/
It's just make believe/You can't believe everything you see/ So baby close your eyes to the lullabies/On the news tonight

Wednesday, January 31, 2007

obligatory title

hate it. I hate it hate it hate it. The new blogger that is. Don't mind me, it's probably just inertia. And I hate it that they forced me to move. I should just moved to wordpress there and then. Hate the orange familiarity of blogger.

Hope this's PMS.

Meanwhile, my O2's in the workshop getting an extreme makeover. A cardiologist's ripping out its heart and putting in a spanking new motherboard. Unfortunately, I've realised how dependent I've become on Outlook and the PIM on it. Everything else was a huge plus. Of course, right after I'll get my O2 back, the new motoming will arrive (via my sister) and from having no choice, I'll have too many choices. But when you compare, O2's definitely more superior... I mean, Ming has no wifi! At least O2 has a choice to add wifi. Ming's using a microSD card for extension, and it's UNDER the battery. How dumb is that? Obviously, a wireless SD card would be out of the question. However, I think that Ming's definitely geared for office work - perhaps I'll be more productive from now on?

Talking about productive - I only did like 3 of the 1000000 tasks I'm supposed to do today. (Previous record is nil while more tasks pile up.) Nescafe (with milo - the way I like it) didn't come through for me. Perhaps my body's tolerance has increased! Next up, alcohol. I don't like to puke after one bottle of beer. (Yes, you heard me right - long were the days...) >Meanwhile, I've been aching to pick up a ciggie again. I am aware of the implications, but man, for that one fag! I didn't really allow myself to be hooked because there was this one time... and its hold on me shocked me. I had a lot more willpower then. Now, I'm just an addiction ridden slut.

And by the way, Gramaphone at International Plaza's closing down. They have thoroughly spoilt me. They actually reserved The Nanny 2 for me, knowing I love that nasal voice. Talk about initiative!

Coffee time!

so this is the new blogger. well, bah.

I hate it when Google forced me to upgrade to the new Blogger. I liked the old one, I knew what the new one had, and because I didn't like it that's why I didn't change it! *grumble*

anyways, I saw this off someone's blog. Found it a tad interesting. However, lack of options meant that the answers were not too accurate and it's an online quiz, so I wouldn't read too much to it, and it's not too accurate. For one, I WOULD vote for a conversative candidate if I agreed. I don't apply labels, or try not to. But this quiz is fun anyways.

Your dating personality profile:

Liberal - Politics matters to you, and you aren't afraid to share your left-leaning views. You would never be caught voting for a conservative candidate.
Funny - You laugh often. People never accuse you of lacking a sense of humor. You don't take yourself too seriously.
Religious - Faith matters to you. It is the foundation that you build your life upon. You trust that God has a plan for you.
Your date match profile:

Religious - You seek someone who is grounded in faith and who possesses religious values. You believe that a religious person can enhance your life.
Funny - You consider a good sense of humor a major necessity in a date. If his jokes make you laugh, he has won your heart.
Conservative - Forget liberals, you need a conservative match. Political discussions interest you, and a conservative will offer the viewpoint you need.
Your Top Ten Traits

1. Liberal
2. Funny
3. Religious
4. Big-Hearted
5. Athletic
6. Outgoing
7. Intellectual
8. Practical
9. Wealthy/Ambitious
10. Sensual
Your Top Ten Match Traits

1. Religious
2. Funny
3. Conservative
4. Big-Hearted
5. Practical
6. Intellectual
7. Adventurous
8. Athletic
9. Shy
10. Traditional
Take the Online Dating Profile Quiz.

Anyways, I'll be getting the MotoMing a week after my O2's fixed. damn, shouldn't have bought it! I just realised that it would mean giving up my wireless, my MSNMobile, etc. =( Just because it's new couldn't make up for the wireless. Ah well. At least I'll work harder with it!

Talking about working.. I haven't started finished the report! I've got a lot of work to do, and perhaps I'll have some coffee for breakfast so I can speed things up. =)

Tuesday, January 30, 2007

3 more days to the weekend

yes I'm on leave today. But no, I didn't go to ECP. I actually missed my medical appointment. I was too tired - I actually fell asleep within half an hour of reaching home. Alex's fever came back, and I wanted to coax him to bed, so I hugged him.. after a while he fidgeted away from my grip. I was so tired that I just lay there in my work clothes and fell asleep. Sometime through the night I woke up and removed the bulky skirt and other stuff and went back to sleep. I woke up at 7am, but after lying in bed for 10 mins I realised that I was way too tired to go.

I managed to do all my errands today, and fixed my best friend's PC (ok, I brought the guy who fixed it to her place, and bought him dinner to thank him), went to my mum's place for lunch and arrange some stuff, etc etc.

I wish for more days like this: cake, drinks, a comic book and a nice comfy sofa to sink in.

Monday, January 29, 2007

the, what, 5th post for today?

You know I’m terribly bored. Yea, I have a lot of work but the lazy bone’s in place. Just an hour left to knocking off and wow, have I wasted today or have I wasted today? At least it didn’t seem as horribly sian as some other days. I have a lot of work!!!


Yay, on leave tomorrow. Boo, no one to go ECP with. Ah well. Perhaps I can finish some of the spring cleaning and then finish my work! (suddenly I am reminded of my childhood, where when I forgot to do my homework, I’ll take MC then finish it off. Hahaha)


Things haven’t changed much ;p


There is another Zeus!

ya la ya la I know that this is like 1 and a half years too late... but I just wanted to try.

So...... does this mean I'm god-like?

Congratulations rationalneurotic, you are...

Cowboy Caleb of cowboycaleb.liquidblade.com

You are smart, loyal and sensitive. You are also very caring towards other people and you help them out whenever you can. You are very passionate about your line of work. You fight for your beliefs and if someone doesn't agree with you, you argue your point of view across in a very convincing yet diplomatic manner. For that, you earn respect.

Which Singaporean Blogger Are You?

无底洞? Is it the same for you?

I know I must have blogged about this a million times.

But after so long, I know not what my heart feels. Doubt and a whole hoard of questions swarm me, and I worry making the wrong decision. Do I, or do I not? Is it just lip service? Do I feel it? Can I feel it? Can I feel anything? The irrationality overwhelms me, I question myself to no avail. Some say, aiyoh, now is just shallow only.. how come think so much? I know. I'm paranoid and distrusting of myself I guess. But I do enjoy the interaction. I just hope it's not all I enjoy: the smses, the smiles, the little comments across the group that only the both of us pick up.

I was fucked up for a while a few months back. I was fucked up for a long while a few years back. I'm starting to think singlehood is good, besides the occasional emptyness when your friends are all cooing in pairs or cold nights where snuggling makes it perfect. But I refuse to pass 'judgement' like that - it must come from the heart, any emotion and decision. However, I hate it when L.O.V.E. turns and screw me from the back.

I know that it might not amount to anything, but just to satiate me... at the risk of losing it all.. is it 无底洞 for you? I actually hope not, but please think it through.

Are you fond of me for me?
Or do you like me just because I'm there.
Am I an oasis or a mirage?




my monday so far

I slept for barely 4 hours next to Alex when I woke up, groggy. I'm never totally comfortable sleeping in his room. At a mind-numbing 5am, I made my way to my room, just to hear a symphony of sounds coming from my tummy. A worry came up - one that will continue until something else happens, and I just lay there, unable to sleep, needing to sleep. Furgie stared at me with her wide beautiful black eyes while Linus watched me cover myself in desperate coldness. The weather nowadays!

I'm resigned to the fact that I don't think I can sleep immediately. A spattering of thoughts invite my mind, some I welcome, some I detest, others I have absolutely no emotion about. So I go to my living room - to finish my "Greatest Stories of Batman!" - and I turn to a corner to see Chappy sitting next to a puddle of pee. In my living room. In a corner.

Just 5 hours into a monday and I'm already praying that the trend does not continue.

be my valentine? Significance haven't sunk in, more busy tsk-tsking at my fur-laden blanket.

it's going to be a bad monday

I have some major work to do, but I've put it off until now.. And guess what?

I cannot find the vital attachment because of the server problem last week that wiped out a whole week's email. Hurrah!

this is foreseeing the future

I am so gone.

Sunday, January 28, 2007

my little haven

So it's Sunday morning. I wake up next to Sunshine, and Furgie's sleeping on my desk, hearing Linus whine intermittently outside my door. I let her in and Furgie climbs onto my bed next to me.

I go into my brother's room and cradle Alex in my arms, he's the only one that likes to be literally hugged to sleep. He purrs, and Chappy climbs onto the bed, licking him and me. I'm trying to encourage Alex to sleep more because he just recovered.

I go to my recliner in the living room and pick up the Newpaper. Chappy followed me, she does that often, I often have to guess for what reason. Kiwi's asleep on the chair next to me, probably tired out from her efforts to go out after last night's adventure. She had followed me around, meowing whole meows (and starting to sound like Alex). Perhaps she really liked my neighbour's garden - she hadn't gone into it before, she rarely goes into this direction in fact when she runs out or when I walk her. She's covering her eyes now, it is days of peace like this that I feel content and happy at my little haven, with CSI playing on the TV and work to be done after reading my Newpaper on the Lions' exploits (woohoo) and a comic book on the Greatest Stories of the Batman from the library, just next to me when I'm just tired of the screens.

The dryer is running, drying for the 3rd time the load that I had to wash 3 times yesterday because of the washing powder residue.

It is days like this... that it all seems worth it.

Saturday, January 27, 2007

Operation SpringCleaning

I can't get the cover on! Damn it, get it on, get in on!

My easychair's cover, that is. I popped it in the wash and spent 20 mins after it dried trying to remove the fur that didn't get washed off. Now I can't put the sponge back. Sunshine's going to nail me.

I realise everytime I have a major cleanup, I get some unknown injuries. The last time, when I scrubbed the floor, my knuckle went sore and raw. Now, I have a small cut on my hand. The funny thing is that I never remember how and when I got them and I'm probably poisoned heavily by bleach because of this.

Damn sian loh. So I'm half done and irritated and tired (because I got home at 5 plus am last night and woke at 9am when my neighbour's dogs barked and barked and barked) and cannot sleep and don't know where to put my stuff so that my cats don't destroy them before I finish my springcleaning tomorrow and...

I can go on and on. Damn.

The weather's cool and I can think of a million things to do at home instead of going out but all of them are better if there's a certain someone to snuggle with... like watching DVDs.


update: right after I finish for the day (just halfway la) and start clearing the trash after my bath, as I open the door slightly, kiwi runs out and as I was too stunned to react, by the time I reached the 1st floor (in my big tee and underwear, and nothing else: I wasn't expecting to go out!) she had run into my neighbour's unlighted garden. I strain my eyes to see those patches of white on her feet and mouth and chest on her otherwise totally black body, and trying to hear her little squeak-yelps. I ring the bell, there is no answer. I knock, running from the front door to the garden and back to the front door, feeling totally naked, hoping nothing suddenly scares kiwi and makes her run and hence having to search for her around the estate in my nakedness. Finally the living room light comes on and a young man comes out to my sheepish explanation. He opens the garden gate for me and I dash in, picking her up and running away from the apartment, apologising as I flee.

update (2): right after I pick kiwi up and reach my apartment (I grounded her in my brother's room with Alex, the one that she's afraid of), I realise that I have a growth (pimple? bite) on the tip of my lips. The numbness around it is spreading a tat, and the paranoia in me is back. The feeling of the thing is familar yet unfamiliar, both at the same time, and I hate it. To make things worse, my left chest have been giving slight aches over the days and just now, and once one is triggered I start convincing myself I will not make it through the night. Sheesh, I should have just paid for someone to come clean the house.

after the fun comes the price

Have been singing a lot of karaoke with the barflies recently. Last week, we had a surprise thingey with Princess at her workplace and thereafter we met up with some others for karaoke. It was quite fun, having these people around. Then because the session was so short, angel, modernburrow and I went again on thursday, and KingMeng, Lex, Cowgoesmoo and I went again last night. We are mad, I tell you, we are mad. I reached home only around 5 plus and slept at 6. At a punctual time of 9, the neighbour's dogs started barking. I was thinking of 放猫咬人, or more of 放Alex咬狗.

Actually I had a good time last 2 weeks. I had lunch with Mandrake and KingMeng at Amoy on Monday, watched the Forbidden Chestnuts and before that surprise thing with Princess, we had an "official" one for her at JBar where she was promptly sabo-ed by the band (at our request). The band was pretty sporting (but damn slow, because they only started after I left). Then on Friday, Westin and Fusheng came to my place to have a Pasar Malam food feast. We were pigs, I tell you! Then came mahjong. Being the one with the worst stamina, I went to bed early while the guys continued to watch soccer up to 4am before letting themselves out. Then, of course, on Saturday was Princess' thingey and the rest of the weekend was spent sleeping and having dinner with my Pa. This week had been one laden with Sales Demos, which is good and Karaoke! Hahaha.

I've got to clean my place up, like now. There is a LOT of work to be done. I am on the verge of hiring a cleaning co to come do it if the price is low ;p SpringCleaning part one!

Thursday, January 25, 2007

drat, double drat!

I've been spending my time at work (besides working, of course) on the bar and the time at home hypnotised by the Boomerang channel. It really reminded me of all the fine cartoons I saw as a kid!

the ant hill mob from the perils of penelope pitstop

I took Kiwi out for a walk yesterday. She was hesitant, walking slowly at first, then running and stopping, running and stopping. She sniffed deeply at the things she choose to sniff at. I tried to imagine her experience - sniff - intense smells. Isn't it sort of like when we go clubbing and we get overwhelmed with sound? I wanted to tell her, relax, slow down, you have all the time to smell, and all the senses to enjoy, but she continued going up to something - sniff deeply - on and on. I enjoyed watching her do that, letting out her little yelp-squeaks, sometimes with question marks at the end.

I smsed the exboss just now, asking him about the progress of his intended expansion of the business. With a lack of staff he can't do much, he replied. I had referred a friend to him, but she's malaysian and he doesn't give CPF and also he doesn't have enough employees to make up for that number, and locals cost too much "just like me". He had intended for me to work for him before, except I have no interest in that industry (and he's not going retail) and he was intending to pay me the same amount as he did 5 years ago. It was embaressing rejecting him - after all, I did ask him for a job - but that was just too low. Anyways I suggested to him that he might want to hire perhaps some lowly educated (as in formal education) aunties with basic admin skills since that's all he needs (and is paying for), and he comes back with "you very highly educated meh". Talk about sour! He knew that wasn't what I meant. I guess he just felt annoyed because I really couldn't accept that job - it wasn't just the money - and I cannot work at that rate anymore, unless it's what I used to do exactly, running outlets. But back then I was young and naive, and payment is satisfaction was enough. I mean, it's not wrong for me to ask more since I've gathered more experience! There are 40 year olds asking for twice my salary with less than my experience and that's because it's pegged to their previous pay and "they have more working experience". That, he's ok with.

I've got a lot of work to do, but my lazy bones had just been activated! Drat.
For some reason, the connection to the bar is slow! Double Drat!

Monday, January 22, 2007

overheard in Singapore #195

some guy, to some other guy:
Wah, why so big?
This is so wrong. So so wrong.

Sunday, January 21, 2007

windows to your soul

I am naked in front of you,
when you peer into my soul.
Those eyes of yours
And I know not what to show
I am baffled
about what this all means
when you look at me like this
when you look at me
with those eyes

What are you trying to tell me
Do I mistake them for love
Do I mistake them for interest
Perhaps just mere curiousity
But you stop me
There and then
Just wondering
About what this all means
with those eyes

Found this old poem haha. So corny right. But it's true... what are you thinking when you look at me like that?

I've said it before

to some guys, there are only 2 types of girls (figuratively speaking). The "soft spoken, gentle and submitting" type, and the unreasonable kind. Suck monkey's ass la.

I'm definitely not soft spoken or gentle or submitting (like, "oh dear, whatever you say is right") but in my past relationships, I've never insisted I was right. It makes you wonder how friggin small some men's minds are!

Actually, I rarely had fights with my exes. I'm just weird la. I'm not like some girls (and I know some of these personally) where they don't allow the guy to go out (WTF?!), or hang out with his friends, or pursue a money-wasting habit. I may, however, raise objections if the guy is taking drugs, drinking so much that I have to preserve my liver to donate it to him soon, or smoking to a point where I can't stand it. But these are valid objections, because I intend to grow OLD with my man, not be widowed at a young age.

But harlow, if you're in the wrong, frigging apologise, whether you're a female or male! The best friend, however, apologises more than her man, her fault or not. Some people blame the girls all the time. Can you imagine that she had to change all the male names in her phonebook to female names? And I know an equal amount of unreasonable men as women. You may even be one of them. Go blow your mind out.

Relationships were the minor focus of a couple of conversations I had with 2 people yesterday. I was telling them that I don't blame men for not being attracted to me (well, duh) because I'm not the run-of-the-mill long-hair-sweet-smile-maybe-wind-blow-will-fall-over-oh-I-need-someone-to-send-me-home-please-flutter-eyelashes kind of girl. Although I'm peeved that the only men that were attracted to me had no intention of being with me, I can live with that - being myself. I have had phases that I was too vain for myself, and I had to watch my behavior.

If I really like you, I'll go out with you in my tatty berms, no makeup (you guys know what that stuff does to your skin??!! I'll put in on if you put it on too), and I'll burp too. And don't let me hear about the "wear skirt/dress" thing. Wah Lau. Give me an occasion and I'll wear appropiately la! Wah Lau. I'll wear what I want. You don't see me asking you (a figurative you) to wear a tux for a simple dinner at Turquoise Room, ya?

I am an equalist.. haha. I often told other girls that if you want to earn equal pay (which won't happen, because of NS, which the girls didn't have a choice), you bloody well pay for your pak tors too. Wah Lau.

It's no wonder men love me, but just as friends. Hahahahahahahah.

Friday, January 19, 2007

heart pain

it's happening again. it grabbed me in the morning. now it's spreading to the back. bah.

to wake up in the morning? yes, please.

Thursday, January 18, 2007


I wonder.


What’s it to you?


Anyways, had a meeting just now… my demo failed on me. =/


Hopefully later it works.


Later going to JBar (again) and meeting with Princess and Lex, and don’t know who else. Yay =)

post Chestnuts

anyways, I just finished watching Forbidden Chestnuts with KingMeng. No, not ah meng.

Anyways, we caught it and boy...

my cheeks are still swollen now from all that laughing.

Nothing was sacred.

By the way, we were discussing why they were called Chestnuts... and our dear KingMeng said,
It's Chest, and it's Nuts! Why not?

Wednesday, January 17, 2007

sign that you have been doing OT too much

I saw nincompoop online, at 10.30pm.

me: doing OT ah? or watching Singapore - Indonesia match?
nincompoop: no I have this bad habit. I like staying in the office after work.
me: now you're just being sarcastic.

Monday, January 15, 2007

it's forbidden!

Under the strong encouragement of Mandrake, I'm going to catch the Forbbiden Chestnuts! with the very lovely KingMeng.

How lovely?

Wowee. *whistles*

Friday, January 12, 2007

singing in the rain

I took the bus home today, partly because I thought of taking the train back, and partly because there was no cabs to be found. So I ended up waiting for 97 and taking 100 because I missed the previous buses (2 in a row). Ironically I changed to 97 in the end, not 963.

When I got off it was still raining. I opened the umbrella. The zen micro was playing 明明很爱你, and suddenly I was the female lead in my self-directed MV again. Was it the song, or was it the rain, or a combination of both? The empty overhead bridge allowed me to sing out loud. I half danced and half pranced to my place, even daring myself to twirl around once in a while.

I felt in love. Hormones, I knew The Faithful Non-Boyfriend would say. I wanted to have that feeling of love, no, this was not the pretence of love: it was the real thing. But this was the one with the most pretence: the highest level of pretence.

But you know what? I don't really care. It felt great.

The rain, you're great today.

Thursday, January 11, 2007

don't poke me

I dreamt that I took an injection last night. It’s very sketchy, but I remember I was not afraid. Rather, I was quite surprised that I wasn’t. I was poked on the back of my hand again, like the last time, and I remember saying that I don’t want to try it on my forearm. Then I recall pondering about how come I’m afraid to pierce my ears?


Everytime, I try to recall the strange relief when I finally had my blood test. But until I have to do it again, I rather not.

Tuesday, January 09, 2007

an open letter

You know something? After you left, I was seething. Bubbling with anger and self-hate, because of you. It wasn't worth it, a friend advised. Obviously, but you made me feel so cheap that I almost believed it.

I won't let my pride come in the way here. You left. I was upset. But I'm glad that you left, because I don't know what might have happened if you didn't. Don't pretend to care about me, I know you don't. I've felt that perpetually, continually. But I enjoyed being friends with you, and friends we will remain - I do not forsake friends - but all conversations will be online or over the phone, texting. I will never meet you again. I will keep today's events in my mind strongly.

To think that I really liked you. You know, I really thought, at that time that we had something going on. You could have fooled me. But I guess the pretence of love was too shabby and you realised that really soon. Fine, I'm ok with that, nothing's perfect. You didn't have to make me feel so worthless time and time again. One good thing about you, though, you never trumpeted your own triumphs to put me down, and that I respect.

However, I've seen through the facade. What I hoped to be a joyous time of movies and dinner tonight came to an abrupt stop when you left, and to that, good riddance. You know, one thing I'm glad about tonight? You did the dishes.

So I wish you well. And what happened tonight will serve a good lesson to me. I learnt it the hard way, but I hope this remains in my mind a long long time. God bless, if you still believe and abide by Him. I hope you do. We both really need Him.

coffee, king!

Effects of drinking coffee to me:


1) Farting.

2) A whoosh of energy – suddenly I don’t feel like a kid trying to bluff my way through the adults’ world at work anymore.

3) An incredible fear (brought on by an innocent comment in the bar) and probably a panic attack coming on later.


Stupid, stupid stupid stupid.


Meeting L for dinner later. Woohoo it’ll be fun to see what’s going to happen.

Monday, January 08, 2007

trimming down financially, the MrBrown way.

So here I am, about to make a drastic decision based on my career, financial status and heart and guts, wondering why I am forced to make it in the first place and what can be fixed about it.

Is it my career? True, I have worked for 5 years and have been forced to change industries frequently. However, I am in a good place now, will I actually work my ass off?

Is it my heart and guts? Argh, this is complicated.

So it came to my financial status. It is NOT a deal clincher, but it IS a significant factor. Damn, how do I get myself into such ruts again and again? To the words of a dear friend: "how come you're still broke?"

Tsk tsk tsk.

So with mrbrown's weight loss plan in mind, I'm starting my own financial weight loss weight (or weight gain plan, if you get my drift).

I'm going to cut down on my financial laksas, char kway teows and teh pengs, and increasing my financial exercise. The problem is, as with weight loss, the "trimmer" you are already, the harder it is to lose weight. If you're 200kgs, you can drop to 80kgs in the same time frame as a 80kg person can drop to 60kg, so to speak. I'm a cheapskate by nature, so where does it all come from? So here's the plan:

1) Appetite Suppressants

Take a friend wherever you go. In my case, take another fellow cheapskate when you go shopping.

2) Cutting down on the good stuff.

I had to find out where the weight was coming from! So I actually "calorie-watched": I have a expenses spreadsheet to see where each dollar came from. Now, how I know every dollar counts? I once went grocery shopping and ended up paying $100: most of the items were about a buck or two each, a few ranged from 5 to 7 bucks and none were more than $10. But the spreadsheet only confirmed what I already know: I spend most on taxi rides and good food (about 20 per pax). I am a cheapskate mostly in shopping, but I can splurge on CDs and books, and household stuff (Cordless Drill! Gimme gimme gimme gimme gimme). Taxi rides are sometimes compulsary, given my condition, but there are times where I can avoid it... like not going out at all. Good food is hard to avoid because when friends gather, we tend to go to restaurants. Something must be done!

The other stuff that I spend on on a consistent basis are stuff like magazines and bills. I can't save on my electricity because the flat that I stay in has old wiring, and that takes up more electricity. I refuse to cut on my tithes (well, duh, it's money-spinning! and a great investment) and my phone bill's mostly for work and my company pays for it. What I can cut is cable (my brother recontracted, damn, but I'll get the most basic plan) and magazines. I'm going cold turkey for the latter, but I might cave in and buy an 8days or two.

3) Exercise more

This is tricky. I can't invest at the moment, but I'm going to plan about it. Also, working my ass off so I can get more money, that's the only thing I can do now.

Let's see how this works, ya? I've give you a report. The thing about publishing this is that I'll get increasingly nagged, and I won't be able to buy this present I've wanted to get a friend because he'll read this!

Damn. ;)

Friday, January 05, 2007


when they said that angels are all around us, I never thought that they would communicate via MSN.

A long time ago I added faithtoh to my MSN... I can't even remember why. But now I know why. There has been a person I could not forgive - not for her sake, but for mine. And I've been upset over it, because, as a Christian, you should forgive and move on... and forget about it as well. But I could not. It troubled me. I terribly wanted to, but I could not.

I think what she told me really helps... and I rarely acknowledge people helping me move on like that. Hahaha.

an excerpt. I hope it helps you the way it helped me.

and i've learnt, the hard way, and like now, i'm being reminded... that forgiveness has nothing to do with the other person, their remorse or their wellbeing etc
it also has nothing to do with them recognising and asking for forgiveness i want it to be
its easier to feel vindicated and have the chance to look at the other person and feel validated when they admit they're wrong
but i've come realise that if i have to wait for tt to happen, then i'm allowing the pain to continue and the hurt to keep biting at me
its not like forgiving is easy
forgiveness isn't also abt condoning and accepting what happened
to me, forgivness is saying : you did a nasty thing. you're too damaged to even realise what you did. but i don't need you to realise it. i don't need you to be a better person. i'm letting you be the sad, unaware person you are and moving on and forgetting all about you.
u get what i'm saying?

I know that it has nothing to do with them asking for forgiveness. In fact, I believe that forgiveness is for the person forgiving, not the person being forgiven.. to a certain extent. but it's more of wanting to forgive and cannot let go, rather than not wanting to forgive. I do long for the day that I read news about her and it means absolutely nothing to me.. and walking past her in stores without wanting to scream *********** in her face, whatever vuglarities that might be..

u know what helps me?
recognising that this person is damaged
and nothing i can do will change that
and if i attempt pursue this state where one day she will admit, then i'm placing my happiness, my wellbeing, in her hands
i'm giving her power
and i don't wanna do that
i don't wanna carry her around with me all day, all weekend
worse, i do'nt want to carry latent anger inside, and allow it to make me bitter, distrustful, wary of other ppl just cuz one stupid woman is too damaged to know her own faults.
wah... she really win big time liao lor
and i helped her!
so i am thinking all these thoughts and it makes me resolve to do other things
distract myself
i'm going to enjoy my weekend, and everytime a thought of her enters in, i'm going to say "swoosh" (for real... hahah its a technique i heard about years ago) and wipe my hands like i'm wiping a white board clean
then i think abt other things
maybe u cld try that
u get a nice happy thought
then everytime u walk past something that reminds u of that person who hurt u, u do ur own version of a swoosh
dun give them a chance to steal any of your precious time

Because sometimes... you just got to move on. 2007 without hate? Could it be possible? =)

Thursday, January 04, 2007

overheard in Singapore #271

Some girl, at some guy's house:
It's not long enough!
(except that the guy was my buddy, and the girl barely knew him...)

See this and this.

Monday, January 01, 2007

gender genie

Got this off lancerlord, and decided to give it a shot. It's quite fun, actually, if you experiment with different posts.

My results vs the post (look at the date too):


How about you? I'm going to tag a few people, just for fun.
What say you, chuwen, princess, cowboy, currytan, nadnut?

headsmackworthy #4354

From the one we call Princess:
*Princess Veron* Jobless, boyfrenless, but not without love. says:
wad we eating later arh
i wan eat imperial treasure leh
me says:
expensive leh.
*Princess Veron* Jobless, boyfrenless, but not without love. says:
i forgot

me says:
forgot it's expensive?
*Princess Veron* Jobless, boyfrenless, but not without love. says:
see this too.