A billion people died on the news tonight/But not so many cried at the terrible sight/ Well mama said/
It's just make believe/You can't believe everything you see/ So baby close your eyes to the lullabies/On the news tonight

Friday, April 22, 2005

the sky is not orange

the game mode continues in my head
long after the game ceases to play
a saxophone sings in my ear
the angels comforted
but in my heart
a dark dark hue
of black and blue and purple too
silence so deafening the windows break
and my horrible horrible mood swings
dances with my sanity
far off in lovely France
I clench my head
the multiplayer mode in session
and my insanity, by definition
is not perverse enough
for such a reaction

so bossa nova tunes twirl
lovely bright citrus colours
around my roommates
a philosopher talking
with a scout
about classic chinese wuxia novels
in the laughter I am lonesome
in the crowd I live alone
and in my head
I paint
the loneliness
with bright black and blue
with white and yellow polka dots
like me and you

adios friend
my incapability to concentrate
derails me
like a train in Madrid
the piano note tinkle
in rhythm of the trumpets
trumpeting, what else,
but their own merits.

a swirl of air swims
above my head and I
close my eyes
listening to the radio
on the World Wide Web
"She is funny that way"
by Lennie Tristano
I know this doesn't fit
but I just had to put it in
into this little ditty
with almost no punctuation

can you see?
the 4 bits and pieces
are one union but also 4
I don't know what it is

there is nothing else to say
and I shall fall silent
like always
as when I have nothing else to say
the complicated-ness of it
fails the simplicity's friendship
and like a rock song
turning midway to a ballad
I shall end in an instrument sonnet
with nothing else to say
but nothing else I can say.


Thursday, April 21, 2005

my orange sky

The sky is blue
I realised
finally looking up for once
forgive me
since I've been trained
to stare at my shoes
while I waddle down
the pavement
for the purposes of detecting
irritating heretic
brown mud spots
that threaten to
deface the lovely white
I just painted on
but that was 10 years ago
and even the gahmen is saying
it's time to grow up
(let's get a casino)

lest I turn political
and be denied my retirement scheme
(they are really good
at storing grudges,
or so I've heard)
I need to show my
wholesome non-offending side

In my world
I paint the sky orange
and the earth red
the clouds are green
and humans are happy
I can sing aloud
in the midst of
schoolchildren sending
their parents to school
and cats drinking tea
in the clinics

my thoughts are disorganized
the dream is over
a new one is to come
but for now
it's me
and my orange sky

Monday, April 18, 2005

Who's that trailing behind you?

Today a little part of me celebrated Jesus. The joy inside was blooming, just a seed, but boy, that seed was loud. I am assured that He is real. Many small blessings have poured onto me, really small ones that it seems ridiculous, but inside, one knows that it must be God. Last night as I got ready for bed I prayed, a small habit I want to build up. I told Him, God, help me wake up really early tomorrow. I have a lot of work to complete later. I think it was about 1 plus.

I woke up at 5.50am.

That's a miracle (although I went back for a snooze, expecting to get up in ten mins.. I oversnoozed a little but was still relatively early.. as compared to my late coming habit in the recent months.) and when I woke up.. I just realised that it had to be God.

I can hear you, saying, "ya, ya.. all the Godly stuff again... how boring. Such typical Christians." When the joy of the Lord is your strength... you will see the difference. But I digress.

You see, God works in many ways, big and small and hidden and obvious. He has been totally reasonable and logical, and have also given commands to people that seemed absolutely ridiculous at first. Build an ark? God must be crazy, Noah must have thought. Abraham must have cried out Why? Why to give me all these and to want me, by my own hands, destroy it? Issac is my son, a blessing from You! But the floods came and Noah was saved. God stopped Abraham. I do not think God was taking joy in Abraham's dilemma. A father would not take joy in a son's meaningless pain, and what more our Godly Father.

The truth is sometimes, we are so overwhelmed with the things of the world, we forget. Or rather, subconsciously the things that were important to us would no longer inwardly matter that much. Watch this to know what I mean. Sound/Music instructions same with previous post.

I don't think I need to explain... the animation is self explanatory.

Don't cut off the string.

Today's post will be a little short. I am rather tired and would need to rest early. I just finished my accounts lecture and I need a LOT of prayer to pull me through these exams. I just felt I had to write on that animation.

I am, by my and anyone else's standards, NOT a "spiritually high" person. I have issues that are unresolved and blindspots that I keep banging into. I thank God, though, for rooting me in certain issues...

I hope I never ever cut off the string. God, watch over me.

Sunday, April 17, 2005


Recently I chanced upon a church mate's blog and have been reading it frequently. He inspires me, really. Everytime I read his blog I am reminded of things I should be doing and shouldn't be doing. Often, his words speak into my life and heart. I thank God for speaking to me through this brother's blog. Who says God is untechnological?

I was going through a bad moment yesterday while I lay in bed, resting. My thoughts turned sinful and I actually sort of entertained them. People like Cuifen and Jarain will know what I am talking about. The worst thing was there was no shame, it was like 偷吃后不觉得需要擦嘴巴。I feel pained now thinking of the indifference. Then I got up and was tempted to have dinner with my parents at home instead of meeting Westin for dinner and cramming, and after dinner I switched on my laptop, feeling super flabby and nua. Surfing around, I came to my church mate's blog and starting reading his old posts. There was a link to a still animation at the blog and I watched it.

Watch it before you continue reading. There's music, and you MUST listen to it while watching. To stop the music from my blog, toggle to my screen (just click on anywhere in my blog that isn't a link to somewhere else) and press the Esc button. That's the small button in the top left corner of your keyboard. The music softens your heart and makes the cynical voices shut up. Watch the whole thing. The ending is when the credit comes out below.

To tell the truth, I cried. I saw the pain that I cause Him to go through when I defy Him and hurt myself (eventually) when I was reading one of the same church mate's post as well as another colleague's blog. Somehow, the pain came in a subtle manner but surely to me, the inner pain of me hurting myself and others. I won't be able to grow out of this sin unless I make an active effort to team up with God and let Him heal me. I remember one of my follow-uppers saying (can't remember if it's JH or CF) that I need to want to be free of this. If I do not want to be free, there's no point struggling. But I know the pain of being in the abyss of it all. I've fought so hard and painfully there have been times I wanted to smash my head against the wall of my room, crying out, God why did You give me intelligence? Would it be better if I was just an idiot, brainless but child-like?

When I was in Secondary School, I struggled with lying. It was painful. I was always lying and habitual lying sometimes still make its way to me. I often look at my other friends, envious and admiring the way they do not struggle with these kind of 'condemning' sins. As I grew older and started attending VFC after JC, by then it was only occasional, and the Holy Spirit would probe me and my conscience would condemn me for lying. Slowly I found my way to speaking the truth. Then I grew into another addiction when I started working.

For those that do not know, I have been away from Him before, though in my heart I always called myself a Christian, I always called myself His child. I never denied His love for me and mine for Him when people ask, and that was why I grew very stubborn when people (like my best friend's ex, who was a gleeful sinner at that time. God, please bring him to Your light. You know he needs it) happily point out that I'm sinning horribly and why not continue. I'll get angry and go away, but to a certain time, I have to admit that my flesh is weak. I know my weakness, and I do not always have the strength to turn away from circumstances that may lead to my shortfall.

When I watched the animation, I could understand the weary heart of the child in more than one way. In serving, and in loving, and in fighting the dark side in ourselves. So far I've only spoken about fighting the dark side.

In serving and loving, it is extremely easy to get weary. The most obvious example is caring for an ill loved one, and long-term care can pull on your soul and spirit. Another not-so-obvious example is caring for a friend who does things again and again to hurt herself subconsciously and emotionally.

In the video, a child is given a task to fulfill by God.

God tells him to help Him guard a post. "When I am gone," He says, "people will know where I have gone." The child joyfully points the people to the right way and gets filled up with even more joy as he sees his purpose. But the road is never as easy as it seems at times. It gets very lonely, and that is shown when winds blow and he is seen just alone. Soon, he is struggling to hold the cross up, and fight against the wind.

I'm sure you can see the metaphor here. We are that child, we are always children.

Then, one day, he fails and falls. The cross falls on the other side.

The child is lying on the floor, and I am sure part of him would just want to lay there forever and forget it. The self-pity as well as the "what the ^%$& am I doing this for?" is in the house.

Then he remembers Jesus telling him, "Would you guard this post for me?"

He gets up, stands at the post, a lone ranger. His knees buckle, he kneels.. and then he sits on his feet.

Then he sees Him. He starts crying, the pain he has experienced for so long and so deep is let out. He runs to God and God is also crying. God says, "My child, you must have suffered so much.."

To tell the truth, I have been tempted many many times to leave God. I have said, "oh what is the use." But the thought of burning in hell was not as strong a factor in not fulfilling that temptation as remembering how I struggled to come back to Him. I really really struggled. It was with the help of many many friends to pull me back into His beloved presence. People like Jinghe and Cuifen have probably prayed many a prayer for me. I understand this child's pain. I have been at the point where I have been zealous.. and then it got lonely and I felt so alone. That probably happens more than in a blue moon but one of the deepest valleys were when I felt I could not stay in VFC. I really really was like the child, my strength keeping my faith up, struggling to hold onto to the cross. I also feel like this when I battle my inner demons and I feel like yielding to them. And when the cross drops, you see that God does not come to the child in punishment, scolding. I have, with my friends' help, climbed back up and learnt to stand there, guarding the post. It can be lonely, and you can seem alone, but everyone is holding onto a post.

When the child stood up, and held on the post... I stood up and knew that I will have to win this battle, that I will not give up and pray that I'll never relent.

When God came to the child and both of them were crying.. God came to me in tears and told me that it's ok. When God hugged the child in the animation, God came to me and comforted me. He took my tears, and told me how precious these tears of pain were and my coming to Him in realisation was a good thing.

It's our duty. And one day, when you close your eyes in weariness, praying for relief, God will be waiting for you, kneeling next to you, hugging you and saying "My child, you have suffered so much..."

"Where ever you are.. be obedient..."
"Where ever you are.. be loyal..."
"I will give praise alone to God my Lord..."

I will learn to give my pride up, and learn to let God take over. I must decrease and God must increase. I see the works He wants to do through me.. and I must to be free of this addiction, this disease. I will learn to let God teach me. We all have a duty, and this duty of joy will be one that we must live with, that we must live for.

Matthew 11:28 (New Life Version) [Come to Me, all of you who work and have heavy loads. I will give you rest.]

Matthew 11:28 (New International Version) [Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. ]

You realise that there is one thing consistent.. he says "Come to me..." (all you who are tired, and carrying heavy loads on you)... "I will give you rest."

I have bared my soul to you today.

I have unburdened my load and received the peace, the peace that only He can give.

Will you come to Him today?

Saturday, April 16, 2005

This is funny. I hope it's true. I stink anyways ;p

you smell like butt
congratulations. you are the "you smell like
butt" bunny. your brutally honest and
always say whats on your mind.

which happy bunny are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

I'm just fillin' up space.. don't really think it's true..

Fire element
Your element is Fire. Like fire, you have a hot temper and you can be warm and loving as well and angry and wild. It all really comes down to what you are feeling. You have a lot of close friends who you are very protective over, and with your temper probably some enemies too. You are not Miss Popular in school since you are your own person and don't want to be forced into behaving this or that way. You are the untamed wild horse, the kind that everyone wants to catch. But you don't want to be tied down for the moment and just keep going with your little crushes. Your will is strong and if you set your mind to do something, you will most likely succeed. But beware, your friends may not always accept your mood-swinging behaviour. Even if you don't mean to be mean, they can still feel hurt. You just need to start thinking some things through before you do them, and not always jump in with so much courage. One day you may be hurt because of that, but then again, your element isn't fire if you start to analyse situations before you act. After all, your nature is to shoot first and ask the questions later.
What is your element?

cuddle and a kiss
cuddle and a kiss on the forehead - you like to be
close to your special someone and feel warm,
comfortable, and needed

What Sign of Affection Are You?

brought to you by Quizilla

Can you believe this.. *laugh* it's hilarious. Brace yourself. The picture is gross though.

You're Perfect
-Perfect- You're the perfect girlfriend. Which
means you're rare or that you cheated :P You're
the kind of chick that can hang out with your
boyfriend's friends and be silly. You don't
care about presents or about going to fancy
placed. Hell, just hang out. You're just happy
being around your boyfriend.

What Kind of Girlfriend Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

What do you think?

You Are Boyish Sexy

You're the kind of girl who gets along with all the boys
Whether it's holding your own in a game of touch football...
Or kicking some major butt while playing Xbox.
You hang with the guys easily, while still keeping your girly sexiness.

What Kind of Sexy Are You?

I don't know.. unfortunately I ain't that sexy enough. I was kinda hoping it was something like.. erm.. smart sexy, guys get intimidated kinda stuff *laugh*

anyways, there's currently a slight problem with my headers, they're a little out of line. I'm waiting to fill up more posts so I can see if the pic for this post (questionable content, again) is the culprit. Actually I can't remember what I tweaked, honestly nothing to do with the header and it just.. maybe when I'm free, maybe after my exams or my 1st 2 papers I'll change to another template.. too lousy to make mine from scratch. Mine have been all copied from other websites and help sites.

btw, a couple of friends have been asking me if I were the author of this post (The Sky is Blue -random title). Yes I am. I was feeling very down that day. I think I pissed off a colleague of mine. When I saw him that morning and said "Good Morning!" and some other stuff, he totally ignored me. I was really quite sad inside.. I rather lose a lover or perhaps even a limb than a friend. To me, if something happens to my friends, I get quite affected as well. But after that he offered to help me bring some of the bottles for recycling and I was quite happy (who wouldn't be?). Hey man, if you're reading this, just wanna say.. really sorry for giving you that impression that I was happy about the moving. I can't tell you how much I cherish you as a friend and I wouldn't mind the current situation, cos words cannot describe the joy of God's gift of you as a friend to me. However, I see you often getting sick, sneezing and all and that pains me. I know that you've also been through some rough spots recently, and I wanna say that if you need help I'll be there.. just tell me.

On a separate note, I will stop broadcasting my blog on my MSN because I don't wanna be unable to write about someone who'll sure read it. ;p

Suddenly an anonymous blog seems quite ok. At least I can write about stuff and not be super worried that it gets read by unintended people and worse, create a hooha. But if you're tagging my blog or coming to my blog as a habit or what, thanks, really =) I appreciate the traffic. Keep on coming. I just will not put my url out on MSN anymore..

today's post seems so crappy.. and unintelligent.. but then, only my (big fat) ass cares *laugh*

Thursday, April 14, 2005

The Sky is Blue - random title

In the midst of the crowd
I grow more alone
Hugging myself
I am lonely prone

Why do they respond
In such cold tones
What do they think
I am looking for?

Is everything I do
Unwanted and unloved
What warrants the ice
in the conversation to grow

What have I done
to prick on you
If I have done so
I apologise more

All I want is to be friends
God knows I need them
but if I ain't good enough
I have nothing to say

But if it's due that
my character is bad
I admit defeat
Oh, please go away.

In the midst of the wind
I lay alone
Hugging the cold winter floor
I am misfittedly alone.

Saturday, April 09, 2005

well this is half true, the details I mean

You are different. You're the type of person that is easily spotted in a crowd. You have a radiant personality. You probably go through a lot of mood swings from happy to lonely, angry to sad, loving to spiteful, and so on. Be aware that your sudden change in personality may offend some people. People like to be around you because you are genuine and relaxed. You seem at peace with yourself and you give off that "what you see is what you get" vibe. That's a good thing because your general audience will feel relaxed and at ease knowing that they too can be themselves with out having to worry. Try not to judge others on their appearance. It's not nice. Over all you're a spirited person who enjoys having a good time!
You're Beautiful...but why
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Friday, April 08, 2005

Questionable Content, again

I am so weak. I am by nature a hoarder, cos I cannot bear to throw anything away. It's the same with comics, everytime I see one that's so funny I must, I MUST show someone..

It doesn't help that I read a lot of comics online. Plus, I am easily influenced by the comics/book/movie/sitcom/music that I am experiencing, sometimes it shows in my writing and behaviour.

This strip (I had to reposition it.. if you look at this older post, it's too friggin long.) I know that the side bar is forced to further right.. but ah well. Anyways this is what I feel.. best example, Humpback Oak. They are so good.. I wonder if this qualifies me as an indie girl. Ha, I was never artsy enough for the Arts stream kids in school. Misfit lol

All thanks to VC, King of Indie Music. Of course, now that I know Paul, who is updating ever so frequently with upcoming gigs.. I wonder if Jie was a indie girl.. she seems so.

Anyways, a colleague of mine has been introducing Christian music (including Hillsongs, and their style of Praise and Worship) to VC, and IMHO I think he doesn't dislike them.. VC doesn't discriminate music anyways. But I think Hillsongs' earlier music has been rather ah ni kuan.. stagnant almost.. then the United brand came.. I have a song in this blog in one of the United CDs (a birthday pressie that I didn't think much of it.. until I heard, and I got blessed.. I got hooked!) it's Sing [Your Love]. Take a nice long listen at it.. and please let it touch you.

I gotta get back to work before my dear boss stones me! =)

ps I am going to put lotsa comics strip soon.. perhaps new music as well... hmm.

Wednesday, April 06, 2005

Ten Floors Down

You are a Hippie. Wow.

What kind of Sixties Person are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

- the rational neurotic -

a few things happened since my last post.. I went for boon hui's wedding.. VC got his guitar fixed.. ma fell sick and I had to get Kor to 'show concern' before she was willing to see the doctor.. I had a nice small tea session with Charles Chong and Vivian Balakrishnan with a few other people who "stepped out" to give "our support".. There was a lecturer with NUS Denistry, a communications manager with the Ritz, a guy doing investments for real estates or such, a guy who works in Taiwan doing IT solutions and stuff (works with MS products!), a journalist who now works in the EDB and that's about everyone, besides Nelson who co-ordinated everything.

VC had said at least twice this week that I've got a black face I think. I don't know. I've been alternating between the need for space, the need to withdraw into myself again, and the need to be around people and just be crazy. I have a hard time catching myself. It's the kind of time that (I know this seems to be really often, even to me) I don't know where I am or what I am doing.. besides that I've got God.. and you have no idea how that helps. Of all the confusion of being lost in this World.. I am found in His. I haven't been reading or praying regularly, and my panic attacks are itching up on me, but thank God I haven't got a full-scaled attack yet. My addictions are hitting hard on me, and I cannot fight it alone. I need to know what I am thinking inside.. and I have no idea. Seriously. It is because I know that God is here, I am optimistic. This can only get better, albeit all my seemingly depression about the present.

It's this kind of times that I am floating, that I am indifferent, that I am caring, that I am needy, that I am needing to be alone, that I am mad, that I am sane, that I am just.. I don't know.. it's this kind of times that my creativity is slightly richer.. relatively. I was just saying that day that they should make a movie like tak giu about our local music. "3 guys, a band, and no where to play."

Now I'm hungry, tired, my brain's blank momentarily again..

This is one of my now-typical messy, non-organised posts again. Like I said, I'm bothered, but I'm not disturbed.

Before anyone goes crazy, I need to disclaim. This song is on the spur, does not reflect on my following actions or whatsoever. It's just whimsical thoughts that are recorded on the edge of the moment.

No one will ever know
Why you did the thing you did
How did you go missing
Why did you go missing

How can we find out that
What was it you did when you
Disappeared just disappeared
Why did you go missing

-And when they found you
-Why were they surprised
-Your fragile body
-All over the floor

Ten floors down
Why did you walk off the edge
No more else
Why did you kill yourself...
What were you thinking
Dear Lord
How could this be so

The last time I saw you
You were falling apart, how
did you fall so hard so fast
Why did you let go

-And when they told me
-Why could I not believe
-Your fragile soul
-All over the floor

Ten floors down
Why did you lose your mind so
No more self
Why did you give up now
Dear God
Your blood on my hands

..Boy, you're gone
..What can I do?
..You're there
..Ten floors down

For Hock Chai

Saturday, April 02, 2005

Questionable Content

Friday, April 01, 2005

Quiz me not..

The quiz king thinks I should date..

You are level headed and still maitain your moral
values, single or not. You wouldn't sacrifice
yourself for someone else. If you are dating, I
give you a cookie! And you aren't, I still give
you a cookie! You date for love, not money, not
sex, but you are still willing to date.. So
yes! Date!

Should you be dating?
brought to you by Quizilla

The quiz king thinks I am like Puss in Boots
You are Puss in Boots! The new addition to the cast
of characters in the movie, a true Zoro fan!

Shrek 2 Character Quiz! (pics)
brought to you by Quizilla

The quiz king thinks I am not depressed and whiney
congradulations! your not a whiney bitch and you
seem to have some humor in you

so, are you depressed and whiney?
brought to you by Quizilla

I am smiling.

I am suddenly angry. I don't know why, perhaps, actually I do. Many small factors are building up, and I am pissed off.

Why are relationships tagged with expectations?
'If you are a good daughter, you'll do the housework.'
'If you are my good friend, you'll go out with me.'
'If you love me, you would understand.'

I remember my colleague M telling me about how she finds it hard to click with some of her friends nowadays and has gotten into a mini argument with one because she do not seek the same kind of life anymore. I wonder if S feels the same about me when I say she hasn't been spending time with us enough, alloting all to her boyfriend =( Maybe I've been a rotten friend. I probably am. I haven't been understanding enough. I am reminded of Aik.. And the guessing that I'll do forever to find out the exact reason he broke off with me. I must have been, unknowingly, the kind of girl friend that guys precisely hate to get.

I've mentioned a million and one times about what a misfit I am. I cannot find reasons to why I am not. I can never get along with people. I think some people find me irritating.. And I know it is a matter of fact. I just cannot fit. For some reason, some people think that this is all an act. I have nothing to say to that, but my torn and broken heart that is only held together by the glue of Jesus.

I long so much to have that small group of friends that I can call, talk to, the group that I know will be by my side. I don't. I know that there are people concerned and caring about me, but I cannot hide the fact that I am indulgent in their company. It is grace that He has generously given that I am allowed.

"Scared scarred, more than a couple of times.."
Humpback Oak lingers in the background, playing on my WMP. It is dark, yet it is a darkness that I long as I complete this post. The pain that I want to force out.. Perhaps I am sadistic. Perhaps I am masochist.
How now, you are the obvious Brown Cow.. I am the obvious Turkey.
I am not as cultured as I speak.. I don''t also get the point, I don't always understand what the songs are speaking about. I like Van Gogh, but that doesn't mean I am some advanced art student that should not be in your midst. I just like his paintings.

I know that this is messy, but I am not really caring. I haven't been studying much this week and everyday I promise myself that I will do better the next day. I've been screwing up at work, and I will not be surprised if the 'Higher Management' decides to terminate me. Seriously. I've been screwing up in school, and I really don't want to drag this by more than one year. I am in agony. I hate the structure of the course. I feel like kicking myself for choosing this course. What was I thinking? Why didn't I just go do FSV in Ngee Ann? Why do I let pride take over me again and again?

I am lucky that I have friends that are here for me at this moment of time.. People like Westin, Serene, Vicky, Linda, David, VC, Mandy, Chai Choo, June, Khae, etc etc.. I do not wish to test them, or doubt their love for me.. But I really wonder sometimes if I am in trouble, would they help or be able to help me..

I remember in Sec 2, there was this rather pretty girl that came to my class. I became friends with her, as I always do with lonely newcomers.. I don't have much friends, so I understand the feeling of being lost and having no one to ask about the structure. I really liked her as a friend, but she soon found friends, and I was 'out of her league'. She probably was only being nice with me and found me as a 'ok' friend.. she had really good friends after that in the class. I am not angry or sore over that.

I am always friends with 'newcomers' and 'outcasts'.. until they cease to be the reason that I was able to befriend them.. it was like this with Wilson.. Thomas.. Brenda.. Nick.. and I am always lonely. Not that we ain't friends, but.. maybe I just have that secret hope that I make that one good friend in time to come.. but see, I must have been really irritating. I cannot forget the feeling of ultimate betrayal with Wilson.. I don't want to go into details, and I seriously hope that if one day I read this blog I will not remember what it was all about.

If one day, I am accused of murder, and it's either me and some other person, say Brenda or that Sec 2 girl, who would 'my friends' in that group testify for? Who would vouch for my character? I know, from the pits of my heart, that my church friends would (I hope) defend me, and I am comforted by that. But what if it was between me and some other church member? They would speak the truth, they would say, that Lee was often bad-tempered, unrespectful, etc. There'll be not much good to speak of me.

I wonder who'd actually read my blog.. and want to read my blog? Sometimes I am amazed at how dumb and irritating I can get. But I know God loves me. =)

I know that the future will be better.. God sees. I am optimistic, I've said. And I am. I always see the better side of the situation. If someone complains to me about someone else, I normally take the other side.. to balance the thing off and also to seek reasons for that behavior, by both parties.

I am a jug...

I am easily shaped by circumstances but my main and basic principles remain.. I hope.
I am a bag...

I want to end with a prayer.. and a silent one for myself. Whatever I did, I'm sorry.. I never meant to piss anyone off, I don't wanna.. I'm quite used to be alone, and I am trying to get used to being alone and not lonely.
I am a book...

I, quite obviously, am having rather low moods.. but all these are from my heart.

I am a drug..

I fear for Fang, my dear sis, please take care of your body. There are times I know we just irritate each other to the point of pissing each other off. Yet for all the shit I bring you, you have not rejected me and have continue talking to me and asking me for advice when you so do think I can give.

I worry for Westin, my dear bro, your dreams are ahead of you.. you are capable of doing many good things, and I believe that God will reveal to you what they are, in time to come.

I pray for Serene, my dear friend, you are beautiful inside, no matter what they say. You are good in your own right. You can do what you want, if you only allow yourself. God bless you, dear friend, who have not forsaken me, and stuck by me through all the shit. She is one person I know will vigourously defend me should anyone slander me in front of her.

I thank God for VC, my dear boss, you are a leader. You probably realise the impact you have on others, do not longer look down on what you have. He has plans for you, and they are not mediocore. Don't worry, your suaning assures me. I thank God for the friendship we have.

I celebrate Hope Church, my local church, and the people in it surrounding me. Thank you for your patience, love and understanding. Please understand that I am constantly fighting and struggling with new concepts.

To my family, especially my siblings, thank you.. for putting up with me for these 21 years. I have been a pain in the ass, and it has not been easy on the both of you. I am really and sincerely sorry for any pain I've caused. I've never blamed you for anything, if any, just for being so perfect and nice to me.

To anyone that I've not written anything to.. rest assured that I have not forgotten. But my words fail me. It's the dreaded music I listen to, it makes me so blue.

God I pray that as I lay me to sleep tonight, You bless me and the people around me. Forgive me for my sins as You bring them to my attention. Teach me, dear Lord, to lead the life You long me to. Help me be a better person truly. Please bless these people I've mentioned.. I know you will.

I'm sorry about the complications.. Apologising for the details..
Stressed Out by the weight, seriously you say.
Stressed Out by the weight.. Stressed out.
Numbered by the days.

I seem really down here.. haha but I ain't.. it's just what I had to say. I am smiling, while listening to Humpback Oak. You have to be REALLY optimistic to do that. Hence the title. On hindsight it seemed really black, didn't it? Perhaps it was a release. I know this post is really messy, and while I'm bothered, I'm not particularly disturbed by it.

Please don't be overly concerned.. lol =) if any, assurance from a person I rarely speak to seems really fake.