A billion people died on the news tonight/But not so many cried at the terrible sight/ Well mama said/
It's just make believe/You can't believe everything you see/ So baby close your eyes to the lullabies/On the news tonight

Wednesday, March 30, 2005

The meaning of it all..

I remember having the same dilemma when I was a teenager, and more recently, an aunt died last year. She had cancer for a while, but it was said that things were looking up. Her younger sister, who was also single like her, stayed with her in their own house and was her partner in their beauty business. She doted on us a lot since she was unmarried and we often returned to Ipoh.

I have another cousin on the same side (paternal) who's also a Christian. I remember struggling slightly about it. In the past, those deceased relatives were not close to me, and I could get out of it by acting like a spoilt brat, all the while feeling guilty. But this time..

I remember a long long time ago, after my grandpa died, I was back in Ipoh and I was at the old kampung house. Someone told me to 上香 and I did. The only reason was because I thought that the good man deserved some rememberance in the mortal world amongst his offsprings, and if this is the only way to do it in the tradition, it was something I had to do. Would God send me to hell for doing that?

It is said that you shall keep no gods other Yahweh, and truly there isn't another 'god' in my life. If the motive was purely for rememberance, would God punish me? I think He sees your heart. It is also said that you shall not stumble another in doing whatever you do, and I truly believe that it is the one sin that is the most punishing of all.. if you steal something, you can put it back. If you kill someone, the life cannot be replaced. If you stumble someone, and is part of the cause of that someone's backsliding.. if you believe in God, this man will not go to heaven, and his blood will be in your hands. You're talking about eternity here.

Back to my aunt. Her funeral shook many, including my father, who was the same age as her. This is the first time I saw my old man cry. Actually, he sobbed. This is my father, the man who'll walk ahead of his family when we go shopping because it's so boring (well, he mellowed with age, not that bad now.. lol). He used to sign off his name as Bapa to us when he wrote a rare email to my brother when he was in UK. Of course, I was rattled. We had a really elaborate possession for her, since my 小叔 跟了 a famous 师傅。I couldn't be bothered with the religious stuff inside, and was really very irritated with how long it was. But if this was the only way that the family wanted to 'send her off', in rememberance of this aunt who had loved us so much, I am sure that God would not be furious. Before I joined it I prayed, "God, forgive me if I am sinning, for I know that You'll understand that this is what I need to do.. You see my heart and know where I stand in this." My christian, when she passed me, said that we needed to pray after that, and I could see in her heart that this was something she needed to do also.

Of course, many would argue that what I've done is wrong and so on and so forth. But I believe in the principle over form.

Then this brings me to the fact that there are some (I'm not saying that I'm not) Christians that are so narrow-minded. They are truly living for Christ, but they cannot fathom outside the box, and doing so, they become accidentally self-righteous and judgemental. I pray I am not like that. I have my blindspots too (and I don't know what they are, since they are blindspots) and there are times that I'll become automatically defensive. We all have our flaws..

Maybe someone out there reading my blog or comments I wrote on his/her blog is irritated with me.

Misfit - the RationalNeurotic definition.
Someone that cannot follow the social thinking or customs of all the groups that he or she belongs to. End result is he or she sticking out like a sore thumb, neither here or there.

Tuesday, March 29, 2005

I am lost, it says. I am found, the bible says.

You are..Lost....
You hardly even know who you are let alone who
anyone else around you is..You don't know where
you are...You try to find the answers but
everything turns into a big blur and you give

Paranoid..? Suicidal...? Happy....? Which are you..?
brought to you by Quizilla

The quiz says I am lost..

Amazing grace! How sweet the sound
That saved a wretch like me.
I once was lost, but now am found,
Was blind, but now I see.

But I know.. I am found =)

Sunday, March 27, 2005

Unforgetful You

I have had a lot of thinking done recently.. Not that intentionally, but it was just that circumstances made it so. Perhaps God is trying to tell me something. The changing of a new CG, and a whole new district even.. the feeling is so uncertain. Yet I do not deny that it is enjoyable.

The old feelings of being left old are surely not applicable here since I'm new. There are no 'special' people in the church: everyone is special. Is this a sense of equality?

I have been thinking about what Linda and David said to me. Do I really choose friends? Surely, now, since Kim and Chaichoo and a few other sisters are being friendly to me, I will not turn away?

There has always been something special in having lotsa males friends, and I admit I enjoy the uniqueness of it all. Of course, I have Vicky and Serene, and they are my bosom girl friends, though there are things that I have not tried to talk to them about. But I understand the argument that Linda and David tried to put forward to me, the concern that they had.
After all, we are 'grown up' already. My male friends have had different friends, and some of them are enjoying special relationships with their girlfriends. These BGR ain't the kind we had in school though, these are serious stuff. Talk of marriage, career.. Some of us don't have much time with each other anymore.

Then there are those who say that I've changed.. Perhaps I've never noticed that they were this way. JS, a rather close buddy of mine in secondary school, always 'denied' me the way of a girl. I didn't mind then, since it meant that I had the privilege of knowing them in a way the other girls couldn't. But recently managed to get into contact again.. and perhaps it's just me, but he started asking things like whether I wear skirts or makeup now, or if I got a bf and stuff.. It's just not like him. Of course, I'm probably overreacted but it's giving me such a weird feeling. But I've always been able to enjoy my friendships with guys, especially some of the older ones, like Ray, like Viktor, like VC. Perhaps it's due to these.. and the fact that I was never popular with the girls in my school.. in Swiss or in PJC. Of course, I was never popular with anyone. *laugh* but God is fair, ya. But what I mean is that it's probably due to experience that I perhaps subconsciously look for guys to have meaningful friendships with? I don't know. I've never consciously chose my friends.. No one was 'too bad' for me to be friends with. Perhaps after a while I might get irritated with some, but trust me, I've learnt to swallow and concentrate on the enjoyable stuff (since many people must have got pissed off by me before). Some of them thought I was too horrible to be a friend. This is spoken truth by my secondary school friends. They have had 4 years with me. In the first year, I seemed to be friends with everyone. I had lotsa Christmas cards.. But I was lonely. In the 2nd year, the cards reduced a little, and I was a lot lonelier. In the 3rd year, I had nearly no cards, but I was less lonely, because I had a small group of friends that I clung on.. especially Serene. In the 4th year, perhaps due to the fact we were all leaving, I had the most cards ever. I wasn't as lonely, and I had more meaningful friends. Most of the cards wrote (rather kindly) that they didn't like me in the past, but they realised that I'm quite ok.

Who would give me such a chance? What you see is what you get. JC is 2 years, and I did a wonderful of screwing it up.

I'm not a pessimist, really, I'm a realistic optimist. I like to see things as what they are, but you can note the despair in any of my ramblings are past tense, not future tense. But some beg to defer.

What is it with me and momentum? Once I lose it, I can't continue. Just like when I went jogging that day.

I had a really good time yesterday. Actually when I was chatting and somehow I just started talking about my brother and sister and I was actually on the verge of tears. There are some things that I could never have told other people, either because the people at my church would be unduly concerned and my other friends, well, it's just weird to start talking about that. But somehow yesterday it just came out. It felt good that I could share. I actually really enjoyed the conversation (of course I spoke more haha) and the exchange of experiences.

Perhaps it's because I have a lack of, that's why I cherish the friends that I can truly click with.

I feel that I'm draggy already. Before I started this post, I was reluctant to write. Now I'm reluctant to end it. I have a million thoughts in my head that I wanna share. Some of which I cannot share because of the 'audience', and then I wonder what's the meaning for a blog anyways. Then there are those that I do not want to bore the reader about. Sometimes I don't know what's going on in my brain. I am making a conscious effort not write down everything that comes into my mind in relation to whatever I'm writing in the first place.. (a little like my AP UK lecturer ha) I feel really frustrated now.. Too bloody hot.

This song by Jars of Clay, [Unforgetful You] was one of the first contemporary christian music I heard.. and I really related to it.

It still holds a special place in my heart.

I never minded calling you a king
If that meant that I could count on you
To give me everything
I never thought to ask you
I always thought you knew
It was never my intention to question you

You never minded calling me a child
Well, I guess that's how I acted all the while
But you live through every tantrum, you see through every lie
Though they seem to be more common
I just wanted you to know why oh why

Unforgetful you, unforgetful
Unforgetful you, so unforgetful

You never minded giving us the stars
Then showing us how blind and unaware of you we are
You painted me a picture and showed me how to see
Though I just won't behold it
Unless it pertains to me...

Everyday I remember.. that it's..
Not because of who I am, but because of what You've done.
Not because of what I've done, but because of who You are.
- Who am I? by Casting Crowns

Friday, March 25, 2005

I'm more normal than I thought..

You Are 55% Normal

(Somewhat Normal)

While some of your behavior is quite normal...

Other things you do are downright strange

You've got a little of your freak going on

But you mostly keep your weirdness to yourself

I just caught The Woodsman yesterday. I thought it was great.. I loved the layering. It reminded me of stuff.. I saw his struggles, the pain he went true. It may not be the same, but I could feel the pain he had to put up with.

A million thoughts run through my head, then again, my mind stays empty.

I'm normal? What a joke. I had to put up with how I couldn't fit in when I was in school. Then when I finally adapted and accepted myself, when I could see the love of God for me, then they tell me.. no, you're ok.. and I have to start to learn to look at myself again in another manner.

Maybe I should be like others.. simply bochap?

But I am reminded of the indifference I went through.. when I could not feel anything, any emotion at all..

it was pain.

Sunday, March 20, 2005

Xando Tummy Pills


This is literally biting off someone's toes. lol =)

So I'm officially in YA now. New beginning? 'Grown up'? I can write about it, and not totally reluctant but.. hahaha

what is wrong with me? lol. I felt like a shopping spree in borders today, there must have been a million and one books I wanna read.

hahahahha I think I'm going mad.

I think I'm being me. =)

Thursday, March 17, 2005

Cross-Legged on the Grass - Ana Garza

Till now, my muse Failure has taught me
how to cling with my fists to the ever loosening
skin of the earth, curving down from the hem of my skirt,
my legs folded under, a paper bag

beside my knee. Till now, she has been
the one sharing my meal: tap water
in a dented plastic bottle, cold Chinese noodles,
an apple lifted slyly from a shelf

of damaged things. Till now, she has been
the one to chatter endlessly about physics: curvature
and motion, momentum, inertia, the certitude
that all bodies that cling to convex surfaces must slide,
the inevitability of rest. She has

sipped from me through the water bottle
at my lips, spoken
to me, leaned forward like the hollow rush inside
the bottle, the sound I hear in dreams about slipping off

all surfaces and burning to a cloud before the muscles
drop into airless space. “If you lie back,”

she says, “tip,” she says,
“your shoulders, arc

your hips to make your body the true meniscus

of space,” she breathes, “and if
you tense the tendons behind your knees to shape
the fungus by your wrists, if you regulate
your breathing so the outline of your belly forms
the seal between the sky and you,
and if the tightness of the water closes
at your neck exactly where the skin above your shoulders flutters,

contoured like your throat--then you can draw
your mouth into an undulating song and, singing,
never sink into the wet or slide.

"Or slide.” And she sighs,
the smell of plastic and of chlorinated drink
spilling on my skirt, my fingers
catching tightly to the grass.


I sit in front of the tv
Not really watching
My thoughts
suspended in mid-air, awaiting
the decision that should be

Do I dare to
this one good post with
my own thoughts to
this poem

or should I submit
to the lack of capability
of that proper
of words that should
conclude my
limited emotions

Is there a conflict
of interest
in watching cartoons
and trying to
write a

what constitutes

or the lack of it?

not forgetting that the
intention of this was to
add intelligently some
to the very nice poem

but I fail.

Wednesday, March 09, 2005

Lord, let me be the instrument of Your Peace

Someone threw a baby down a rubbish chute at Toa Payoh last week, and my friend Stanli who was working at the call centre there took the call to open up the chute. The suspect is a early twenty something undergrad. Who says only 'delinquents' do this kinda stuff? Is unwed pregnancy something that only happens to those uneducated, or those who do not don corporate clothes? Sexual education and family planning was obviously not taught successfully to this girl..

Someone attempted suicide successfully in Tampines and his spouse and 2 young children were found dead in the flat. One was only 12, and the other was even younger, 4.

Botakchin seemed quite upset about it. Who wouldn't? Should we just shrug it off like yesterday's news? A life gone is a life forever gone from this world.. Somehow, I am reminded of the grief when I heard the news that a PE teacher from my JC died of a heart attack when I was J2, and when a school mate of mine committed suicide last year. A lot of questions were asked.. they were fine people. I am also reminded of the grief during the Tsunami immediate aftermath. What are we doing about it now? Have we forgotten? Where was He that half day (Many will say that His Hand was covering in protection the survivors)? All those people that died.. What did they do to deserve that? Judgement does not come in this life itself, but at the end of it, when we stand before His throne.. However, there's no sense in all these dying! But, life ain't an obeying animal.

This is the comment I wrote to his post:

questions that will never be answered until we meet the Man Himself will include "Where was He during the tsunami?" and "What was He thinking when He allowed the suicide attempt of so-and-so?"..

Just as He does not control our actions, He does not control over others' actions. You should know.. we all have the freedom of action and will, and we all choose to do one or another action.

Who made what decision that led to what action that caused grief to another.. where's God in this equation? He's only around if someone in this equation asked Him something. He did not make us mindless blind zealous worshippers (sometimes I question the wisdom of giving us 'intelligence') but He allowed us the right to choose. This, from the Man who made the Universe, if you believe the bible.

None of us will know what went through the minds of Simon and his family, nor those of the red-string deaths (sometimes last year, a woman committed suicide, and her 2 young children were tied to her, wrist to wrist with red strings), nor that of the depressed LTA engineer, nor those of anyone who caused 'illogical' death to anyone... Why did they do it? will a reason be good enough to compensate the shock that we get?

But how long can this fickle minded public remember them? We are all but hypocrites, everyone of us.

Sometimes I think.. it may be kinder to have taken away the children.. for they are special in God's eyes.. perhaps they are having a much better life up there now..

It's all a belief, all a gamble.. and you choose your odds.. From what He has done in my life, I know which end I'm trying to lean towards.

The bible has many passages to deal with things that cause people to think about suicide. Anger, Poverty, a broken spirit, grief.. If one could just look inside.. turn to Him for strength.. Perhaps many things wouldn't happen. Funny how in times of good we don't point to Him for credit.. but only when we find no one to sufficiently blame for. Is the blaming the subconscious effort to believe in someone?

Remember Job.. God allowed the devil to test him, but He kept Job close to His heart. He never failed Job.. God doesn't 'give away' His children like that! If a loving human father could not give his children away as pawn, how much a loving Father from heaven? [Luke 11:11~13]

Perhaps if we all took more effort to know and help the people around us.. ask not what they can do for us but what we can do for them.. not easy, but it may be a better world in the future.. at least those we've helped have benefitted.

If we have all been honest with our spouses, stern but loving with the children, open with our friends, soul-baring to our family..

God treats every soul as His own, even the numbers of hair on our head are numbered. Every hug of comfort is customised, and every obstacle is engineered to grow us.. If He could not bear to cause the death of His betraying disciple (Judas got guilty and committed suicide, Jesus could have told the disciples he was the betrayer and held him back so he could not betray Him), how could He have not grieved over these deaths? I can only pray that they are better off now.

I guess only the Lord knows.

Pray, brother, pray.

Luke 15:10~32 (Parable of Lost Son)

Almighty God, the great I am
Immovable rock, omnipotent, powerful, awesome Lord
Victorious Warrior, commanding King of Kings
Mighty Conqueror, and the only time
The only time I ever saw Him run

is when He ran to me, took me in His arms
held my head to His chest, said "my son's come home again"
looked at my face, wiped the tears from my eyes
with forgiveness in His voice he said "son, do you know I still love you?"
it caught me by surprise, brought me to my knees when God ran

the day I left home, I knew I had broken His heart
I wondered then if things could ever be the same
then one night, I remembered His love for me
and down that dusty road ahead I could see
and the only time, the only time I ever saw Him run

May God bless everyone.

Sunday, March 06, 2005

Me, belong to 1970?

I knew I was mature but this is overdoing it!

You Belong in 1970


If you scored...

1950 - 1959: You're fun loving, romantic, and more than a little innocent. See you at the drive in!
1960 - 1969: You are a free spirit with a huge heart. Love, peace, and happiness rule - oh, and drugs too.
1970 - 1979: Bold and brash, you take life by the horns. Whether you're partying or protesting, you give it your all!
1980 - 1989: Wild, over the top, and just a little bit cheesy. You're colorful at night - and successful during the day.
1990 - 1999: With you anything goes! You're grunge one day, ghetto fabulous the next. It's all good!

Saturday, March 05, 2005

No finer time to be alive

Had fun.. talking gibberish now cos damn tired.. don't know why also... I hate beer.. but thanks VC, thanks Mike, thanks Vicky. Don't know why but I feel heart-warmed. Thanks thanks thanks Vicky, Mike, and VC. Thanks VC for sending me home also. Thanks everyone.

damn sleepy. can't think straight.

Thursday, March 03, 2005

英雄难过美人关.. 我非美人,但我败在英雄关.

It's happening again. I can feel my stubborness moving in. I refuse to let it overtake the heart for the people that God installed after all those trouble.

Got that little nigging feeling again.. it's those #$%^&* slow chinese songs.. that makes me want to mellow, to snuggle in someone's embrace, to receive a rushed good morning sms...... but I know my weakness. That's one reason why I cut my hair so short.. but I hesitated at cutting it shorter. Why? I don't know. *sigh*

英雄难过美人关.. 我非美人,但我败在英雄关. I know myself too well. I have to admit this shortfall. Until I am mature enough.. God will know.

But I doubt if I have the strength to complete the length I feel He has dictated.

God.. please bless everyone around me.. I thank You for Your new tender mercies and blessings so full of grace everyday... Please annoint the team and its leader in MS; oversee the CG and unit, and the never ending restructuring (honest joke, david I'm not bitter! honest!); bless the examiners at UoL (hope these buggers know what they are doing), and whoever is reading. God I pray that You will continually place Your Hand over my life.. my puny existance in the universe.