A billion people died on the news tonight/But not so many cried at the terrible sight/ Well mama said/
It's just make believe/You can't believe everything you see/ So baby close your eyes to the lullabies/On the news tonight

Tuesday, August 30, 2005

Love, Selfishness and The Best Bet

Am listening to 爱情 by Karen Mok now.
若不是因为爱着你 怎么会夜深还没睡意 每个念头都关于你 我想你想你好想你
若不是因为爱着你 怎会有不安的情绪 每个莫名的日子里 每一个莫名的日子里 我想你想你好想你
爱是折磨人的东西 却又舍不得这样放弃 不停揣测你的心里 可有我姓名
爱是我唯一的秘密 让人心碎却又着迷 无论是用什么言语 只会只会思念你
若不是因为爱着你 怎会不经意就叹息 有种不完整的心情 爱你爱着你

Ever had that feeling that love is just absurd? A very close friend of mine just decided to go on in the decision to break up with the man she had once planned to marry. To her, it was heart-wrenching to see how he begged, in all his egomanic manhood, that he'll change. But she knew that inside her, they were plain incompatible.. she loved him.. but she felt that she had to move on. Is that considered a form of selfishness? Wouldn't her allowing him to hold on to a girl that have slowly lose faith in the relationship be more selfish? So what is selfishness? What is selflessness?

Another friend of mine told me that her ex broke up with her because he could not commit. So she moved on. He still liked her, she knew.. but she could not stay stagnant. Her not staying to a man who's not "hers" - selfish? or his refusal to give commitment and security selfishness?

爱不要停摆 - 张震岳

莫名的爱/一次又一次地占领我的心/曾经的绝望/不敢再去想/因为你的出现输了自己
我不敢要求/那会是一个什么样的故事/看著你的眼/幸福的感觉/希望你的出现可以永远
爱最好不要停摆/就算是一阵风/也要让它飘进我的心中/爱最好不要停摆/就算是一场梦/一直睡没有醒来的时候

This is what I want my love to be. Something that occupies me, but it doesn't equate to me losing my life. But I don't have to HAVE it.. at least not now. If it comes, good for me, if not.. btw.. I am those kind of girls that really hopes to remain pure platonic friends even if I do like you and/but know it's only one-sided or not possible. It have worked before so I can say for sure that if it doesn't, man, am I glad that I ain't with them. *grin*

On a separate note, I was thinking of "faith" today while trying to fulfil a short prayer request by a very good friend. It came into my mind, no doubt an attack (no matter how feeble) by the evil one. "What if there is no God?" "What if you're doing it all wrong?" "What did you've been taught wrong?"

Hey, old devil shmevil, I've thought of all these questions before.

And know what? the odds for Him being the Lord... I'll place my bet on that.

Don't trip on your way out.

ps I need to shape up.. spiritually, mentally, physically and career-ly! Drop pray and continue to encourage me. 3 weeks without a sale: Depressing. And I am NOT going to allow the old devil shmevil work on me again.

Tuesday, August 23, 2005

Jazz

Listening to Renee Olstead, I realised that I've really missed my jazz. Caught up in live365's mandarin radio and then the local indie music, I've almost forgotten this musical love of mine. Shall try to relax.

I met PF today at the Somerset MRT station. It was nice seeing her again, like a breath of fresh air. She represents a group of people that I almost have forgotten. She suggested that I should try to meet up ML for lunch and I was thinking.. ML.. haven't seen her for so long.. in this church when people move, most of the previous people who didn't move will not be in close contact.. maybe one or two special ones..

I don't really have much friends in church, it should be me, because rain doesn't have that problem. She's still close to people like JoL but me? Stan calls me occasionally (I'm guilty of negligence), Dom super occasionally.. only with rain because I am finally in YA.

What makes me such a horrible person? David asked once whether I pick my friends. Do I? Did I pick Westin, rain, SKOM, 过分美丽? Maybe I do.

A colleague asked me today to tell her what really happened at the Ranch. I never planned to tell her, but I wouldn't mind telling her when she leaves.. I don't want to form camps, intentionally or not. I am fine with not telling anything to anyone. I really disagree with the growing dislike I have inside for that Someone Who Read My Screen And Jumped To Conclusions (SWRMSAJTC). I really dislike it. SKOM wasn't surprised, it wasn't unexpected. But to me, it came as a shock. Rude shock if you may.

Argh just realised that the whole post sounds like I am a reformed Ah Lian. Darn. I cannot allow my grasp of the English language to slip so much..

darn.

darn.

darn.

let me just finish darning myself so I can go kick myself in my ass.

btw this is what happens when my muses go on leave. eh, SKOM! Blog leh! Lucky for me, lovely laundry woman already blogged. But that's not enough.. SKOM, quick quick.

Monday, August 22, 2005

So...

So Chelsea beat Arsenal. SKOM's sad and I'm almost sorry I predicted correctly. But we really can't do anything if Mourinho keeps on buying and buying and buying. SKOM thinks Man U might be the team to beat them and I am sure Long Ge thinks so too, but their performance has not been consistent (at the risk of being torched by ManU fans). Man U does have the habit of winning crucial matches like last year's Arsenal's record breaker.

So my ankle could be gone forever. The swelling has increased again although there's no pain in walking. Eu Yan Seng's docs are quacks and go ahead and sue me because part of my ankle's problems come from that quack from Jurong East. I let my own doc see me last Sunday and the week was much better but I don't have time to go own for a follow up. I'll let him take a look maybe Wednesday.

So I've left That Company That I Like For Halo And Other Games Only (TCTILHAOGO). It was a joy, with my boss's boss getting more and more stiffnecked. She tightened the requirements for a CS and #$%^&* thinks that CS are cows: we wake up, eat, plow the field, eat, plow the field, get milked, plow the field and when we're too tired, we get pulled by the nose and whipped on our backs. No carrot to speak of here, just sticks. It's like a friggin communist state, almost Dictatorship. And when we are too old and tired that we can't even be pulled, the ranch owners have a nice steak to speak of.

So now I have to dress up everyday and get a shock in the mirror when I see my sister staring back at me. I miss her, but when I look like her (sans the petite figure) in her clothes, I realise that I've never looked like her more. Not that it's a bad thing, she's quite sexy, but I miss the old me already. I actually saw some pearls and thought that they might look nice on me. Also, I saw some girly tops that I never thought I'll like. This is it, man.. I got to stop this nonsense. *laugh* but sadly all my tank tops are too casual for work, I had to buy new ones. My colleagues (just 2 of them) are nice people, one modern methodist, the other a girl my age. I have to work a lot harder from now on, since I have the "flexible" timing I couldn't get in TCTILHAOGO. And I like it, I can get used to having the chance to walk around, get to know people, helping their businesses grow. A more stable alternative to the F&B freelance I had.

So I actually got fed up with the membership thing in Hope again. I am seriously wondering if this is the right church for me. JR doesn't have this problem with her membership so it should be me. God, please work my defenses down. I want to obey You.

So I've grown more bochap. That's scary, because I no longer even bother to tell off rude salespeople who ignored me when I was dressed down at Isetan (Wisma) and Metro (Paragon). Ettusais was nice to attend to me but Tony and Tina just ignored me when I was just in front of her discussing with my friend the differences of Tony and Tina to other brands. Go back to your magazine, will you? I will not tahan this nonsense any longer. Service staff that pick their customers, beware. the Rational Neurotic is on the prowl. I will, I repeat, I WILL get you.

So I couldn't shave my head for charity. If I still was at TCTILHAOGO I would, and my best friend is quite glad I wasn't. She was rather afraid I'll just go up and do it. Well, to raise funds and get a really lasting haircut, that's a double whammy.

So the 3rd string broke again before I could play any song. And the 3rd string is in fact the 4th string (that caused me to buy the wrong string). I managed to get my kid cousin (who's really pretty and smart) to jam with us (soon) and she'll play the keyboards. SKOM, song chords heads up quick.

So... I'm really lazy nowadays. So dear Fang, I'll change the pic soon. Don't kill me.

Monday, August 01, 2005

Just in case when I am 90 and have bad memory

I had quite the eventful weekend. I slept until 8am on saturday, and then woke up with a shock, yelling, "Damn shit I am late for work again!" before realising it was a saturday. Funny how that never happens to me on weekdays when I have to work. Then I happily slept until 1pm and lazed around the house until 1.45pm, watching cartoons before I had a nigging feeling that I would be late meeting my best friend, 过分美丽 at 2pm. (Btw this nick was given by my cousin who used this four words for her phone book entry of her name.)

We had nooch at Citylink with her friend and whoa, does the service suck or does the service suck! Her black pepper beef udon came with the meat cold and I informed one of the staff. He said, "really?" like as if that was not of any interest to him which brought my reply of "you want to taste it?" When he replied no, he then leaned forward with his hands on the edge of our table and said, "so what you want us to do" in a manner that meant "so what?" I was trying to be a nice girl that day so I tried not to bring out the "you say that again? what kind of #$%^&* service is this @#$%^&*!!!!" girl in me. I replied, "I don't think it's supposed to be cold," and he said that he'll swap a dish for us. Now, we have been waiting for our food for at least 20 mins with quite a sparse crowd sharing the place and we were starving so we declined, stressing that we were really very hungry. He had the courtesy to say it'll be out in only 5 mins, and I couldn't resist, so I challenged, "ok, I'll time you. 5 mins or you'll ... (some feeble threat that I cannot remember... I probably said you'll get it from me or something like that)" His reaction was rather interesting... it was a loud "WAH!" The food came in 3 minutes, which made me wonder what the heck were they really doing in the kitchen, bringing out the food so cold? But that's not really my business, I didn't really have the energy to probe so I just let it go. They didn't top up our ice-water, which wasn't a problem, but when I asked the same server to top it up, he brought just ONE cup of ice water and placed it next to my empty cup and walked off. I was quite shocked and really irritated, but he wasn't rude at that moment of time, just not polite. I wouldn't hire him for sure, there's no service heart inside. On the other hand, another guy (with a really deep voice) was really nice, to the point that when I dropped my phone under the table to the other side, he picked it up as he was passing by at that time (no, you te-ko, 过分美丽 was NOT wearing a skirt that day, in fact none of us did. He was trying to be a good server, ok?) Hey if anyone from Nooch is reading this, an apology will suffice, because I will never go back there as a customer again, paying or not, if I can help it.

After that we shopped around and I managed to get my jacket and shoes while 过分美丽 managed to get a nice piece of essentials. Her friend left for home to take care of her kid then and we decided to forgo the binge feast at marche. So we ended up at some pub at Selegie, with rather bad service (but hey, it's a karaoke pub. equals rarely known for Raffles Hotel service standards) but I liked the fact that they had some quite ulu songs that I couldn't find in most family-karaoke places. We left when The Green Girl couldn't meet us up. To cut short, we went for dinner at the Kopitiam and after ended up in some other pub in Club Street that the Tribal Loner was at, after the taxi driver brought us to Craig Road and insisted it was the same, the very one I told him. *smack head* then he drove around for a dollar or more before exclaiming, "I don't know where leh!" Obviously I was quite irritated, but then, like I said, I wanted to be a nice girl on that day, so I only allowed myself a "if you don't know you should have said so earlier." I had to call the Tribal Loner before we managed to reach, and the taxi driver charged us the full amount. At that moment, in my mind a mantra was repeating, "Tahan, tahan, tahan, tahan..."

The Tribal Loner and us go a long way back but I'll spare the details. We hung around, talked a bit, feasted our eyes on the only other not-bad-looking guy inside but it got boring after a while. When we wanted to leave, the Tribal Loner just brought us more alcohol and said that the Dao Policeman was on his way. Now, the Dao Policeman and I had sort of a weird thing going on for a week or two a long time ago, and I was not desperately keen to see him but 过分美丽 couldn't recall his face so we stayed on a while more. He came, sat at one side and of course, as his name suggested, was quite Dao. By then Mr Bed was missing me and I missed him too so I suggested we leave.. and the Tribal Loner was too busy to stop us. *grin*

By the way, I drank quite little, and puked out my Beef Thin Rice Noodles from Nooch and the Kway Chap from Kopitiam at home, complete with bits of undigested noodles and a lot of oil. This is what happens when you don't drink for 10 months and then try to da the Tribal Loner. I am glad it wasn't the ABC Market Boy or The Green Girl I was da-ing cos I will be in hospital by then.

I was up fully by 10am today and was determined to have breakfast with my dad. After all the OT alternating with various afterexam celebrations and CG meetings, I had not had dinner with him for a long while. We used to call each other around 6 plus or 7 plus, depending on who was free earlier, asking each other what he/she wanted to have for dinner. Then the caller would tabao home and we would eat our dinner in front of the tv, commenting and critisizing the tv's contents for the night. Mostly we don't talk much actually. Today mum left with my aunt, so I had some nice one-on-ones with my Dearest Daddy. We chatted a bit, he updated me with some happenings from his work, and then we both agreed on the dismal taste of the Killiney Kopitiam at Bukit Timah for that breakfast. I passed my aunt's kids (the lovely M&Ms) their food and then Dearest Daddy went to buy supplies at Popular while I got new reads from the nlb. I managed to borrow 在世界中心呼喊爱情, the hong kong translation of the book adapted from the movie I liked so much. The movie deviates from the book and made me gian for the drama serial, though I ain't sure if I can get it in SG.

I met my colleagues at 2 plus at IMM, and we ate cake before shopping around. We ended up having dinner at JP after shopping around some more. It was quite fun, just meeting out like that with them. I had quite a lot of laughs and I am always surprised that they don't hate me yet, such an irritating brat that I must be. They are really honestly such good friends who stood by me. I also bumped into the Japanese Beauty and the Smart Specky from JC, though separately. Back home, I watched Something's Gotta Give with Daddy Dearest and both of us loved the movie.

That sums up my eventful weekend. =) Boring to you, but when I am 90 and have a lousier memory than now (which is already very very lousy... say, what was your name again?) I will be thankful for such a naggy post *laughs*

Neko