I'm sorry...

...was the words I couldn't say. I didn't know where to insert them, and I didn't want you to start blaming yourself. but it was my fault... I didn't like that he used to hit you, or that he still took drugs... I was too narrow minded to see how he had reformed after being with you, and that you were happy. I shouldn't have introduced you to the other guy as well and encouraged you. perhaps I felt he couldn't bring you happiness, but you already had it. I'm really sorry. I feel so helpless hearing you cry. I really don't know what to say. I've caused you such an amount of grief. every tear you shed, I feel guilty. but mostly I feel helpless, and angry @ myself, and upset that you have to go through such amount of grief. your tears are like needles all over me. I love you, my dear friend. I'm sorry.

I also don't really know what I was actually...

...even though I did want to be a army 'boy'. Ok, after a friend's repeated "put on your blog!" statements, I've decided to put this very unrepresentative photo of me, edited of course, in the blog. Bunny ears are NurseNaughty's I had a lot of fun! Thanks, Lex, for your stockings, and for insisting I go (although I seriously needed the rest too). Oh, the army top wasn't mine also haha. It was NOT stolen, as what shelled insisted, but "borrowed" from a good friend.

the fish net stockings were just because it was there

So the party was quite nice, after dinner with fellow barflies Anodize, Hermit and Lex at Sushi Tei, Holland Village. At least it gave a face to many barflies... and ahoy to the Gladiator of the night, and his lovely damsel! It was great seeing all the guys and girls there. Btw, please ah, those who those photos+videos... those that must censor, please censor! =)

warning

bo nanas This is really what I meant I'll gut a mozzie out and hang it outside my window as a warning to the other mozzies..

*smack head*

taken from chuwen's post:

times are bad...

... even the king of the gods need the extra income. Use Zeus endorsed motorcycle equipment! His power will protect you!

wet butt

this is my 70s look: 45 degrees to the side, looking afar I was pissed off. I read something online, and felt like slapping the ignorant, arrogant person who wrote that. This have been happening recently. I hate being angry, but I rather be angry than to be indifferent. Anyway, I was pissed off. Furgie came to me, gave me her normal 'squeak-meow' with those bambi eyes... I was comforted, and carried her to my lap... ...only to feel wetness on my lap, from her butt. irony: betty. wait, I just had a thought: I am using pine litter... and if her butt is wet, it means... she peed on the floor again! *shake head* time to look for yellow puddles of water. it wasn't me: raising duncan. I am so cute, hence I can always be forgiven. "squeak-meow"..

that's what I call a tomato

it's bigger than my boobs.

some quotes are lost on those buried deep under notes and books

rationalneurotic says (12:28 PM): Teddy Roosevelt: Do what you can with what you have where you are. Chu Wen says (12:30 PM): teddy didnt go to nus. aND i dun play with soft toys On a side, I rather pity my friends in University, buried so deep into the system that they don't have time to learn. of course I'll bite my tongue, I think most of you know what I think about tertiary education, but I can't argue with them because they are in, and I am out. So, to those who still are suffering, like MisterJed, fanghui, Currytan and chuwen, gambatte!

cable-less week to come

So I'm stuck watching free-to-air again. Yes, Shelly, laugh. My brother came back for a week, and yes, I really did miss him, in a certain way. He took the cable vision set top into his room, and after being in my room for 5 minutes with my work laptop, I gave up and watched channel 8. The only reason I was watching channel 8 was because the movie (I think) on channel 5 was lagi cheesy. Channel 8 was having a movie with Daniel Chan and Julian (oh God, no, not Hee!) Cheung. There was melodrama. A lot of it. Too much of it for an action film, and super cheesy scenes of arms frailing in the air, screaming of a dead comrade. Well, if it was Jack Nicholson, Tony Leung (both), etc, even the cheesiest scenes would be great. I'm a great fan of Julian Cheung, by the way, but perhaps he was way underdeveloped for this film - Daniel Chan looks like he's 17! On the work side, I've got a way load of stuff to do. I was staring at it. Perhaps I'm tired, or sian or whatever right now. Will try again tomorrow. Yay! Another cheesy movie coming up, but it has Stephen Fung (who ain't that great an actor) and Daniel Wu (who wasn't that great an actor, but had lots of chances and now isn't that bad), and both of them, especially Daniel, is yummy. *smacks lips* you lie if you tell me you don't find this hot. I wanna be the water twirling around him. update: this movie is sorta pornish - there's a make out scene of Daniel Wu and Gigi Lai, and he LICKED her. You can see the tongue. Woohoo. Then there's another scene where a woman saved by him (who saves him afterward) was talking to him on his hospital bed, and she was wearing a white top with no bra, nipples galore. The girl also licked his eyes (because every other part of the face was covered by bandage), and stuck her hand down his tank top. There's also a scene where Gigi Lai is nearly overcome by lust watching Daniel Wu towel himself down - what a bitch! I'm a bit surprised: it's way too explicit for this kind of movie. Both of Daniel's and Stephen's acting here is at least pleasant. Oh man, Daniel, woohoo!

dreams and love, not.

I had really weird dreams last night, relating to one exboyfriend and one exboss who ignored me after I tendered my resignation. I've been thinking about that exboyfriend. Not that I'm still in love with him, I've felt nothing for him for a long time - not even disgust. But I've been thinking of the past, and that I've never been sure of those attracted to me - why? why are they attracted to me? Some, just to get me in bed; the others, just superficially. They can't handle me - I'm not just another girl on the street, the way I think and do things is different, and my skewed principles too. But this guy, he was different. If he did it just to get me in bed, well, at least he did try very hard. At least I did feel loved unconditionally, just for a while. Even though he did dump me in the end. I really could see a small certain future at that time. So what drives people to get attached? I know of guys who woo girls just because they have a great rack, and girls who stick to men because they can afford the latest bling. But are these people any worse than those who accept another just because they are lonely? If money is a bad factor, loneliness is no better off. Anything less than love? But different things attract different people to others. So who are we to judge? The only reason I can think of him being with me in the first place was that he was lonely, he was bored, and I was the only one around... and he did put a bit heart in it, I mean, if you're in it to cure the boredom and loneliness, you'll of course put your heart in it because you wanna not be bored and not be lonely. I'm writing this from home, my chest aching as usual, and my legs generally sapped of any energy. My whole body's feeling that, limp and at least I'm not paranoid and driving myself nuts. I've got a huge presentation to work on, and I need to clean the house today - it's driving me nuts.

blogaholic

hands up if you're like this, or know someone who is. rob and elliot

health

mutts. Can't stand it. I've been having pain at my right flank, on and off, and was quite worried that it was appendicitis, but it went away when I started working. Now it's back. I had this pain before 2 years back but my doctor clarified that it wasn't appendicitis - he said that when you press down on it and it doesn't hurt, then it isn't. But now when I press down, it does hurt. It's so frustrating to have these phantom pains - pains that doctors just shrug aside and say it's muscle pain/stress/etc. House MD comes to mind - he's a cripple because they couldn't detect why his leg was aching. One good thing is that my heart stopped aching a lot. That really gave me a shock. I hate it when doctors just look into my history and say, "Oh you have GAD" and list everything as paranoia. They look at me like an irritant. Just because I'm paranoid doesn't mean these are not happening. Seriously, if I happen to have any problem that they should have detected through routine checks, I will sue loh. One doc refused me an ECG. I mean, I understand that perhaps I may be anxious, but anyone who has sudden heart aches that recur on a daily basis would be nervous! It's a natural reaction. It's like saying that when a depressed (clinically) person goes through a heart break, her sadness is just her condition. And oh, by the way, none of us wants to have these conditions. It's horribly disruptive, and it's takes over our lives more than you think. But I really wish the pain would just go away, or if there's really something wrong with me, quick, be found!

no hangover

I guess we're happy. =) It was fun yesterday. Pasta with 过分美丽, and then meeting the Barflies at JBar. It was great talking about cats and stuff. Happy birthday Lex! Here's a pressie for you! woohoo! You can have the alcohol, I've have the hunk. I left early la, so no hangover. Drank quite little too. Heh. =) That's more fun for me.

Mirrors don't lie.

Actually, a lot of things that are meant to be true, are not. Ah well. *shrugs*