anyone of you.

Someone commented that I seem very close to certain guys. Well, I admit. These are all my close male friends. It's like this: when you're a friend, your gender in my profile book is neither M nor F.. it'll be "Friend." ie I never take into account whether you're male or female, you're just my friend. Is that so hard to ascertain? I am the living proof that platonic friendships work: The Faithful Non-Boyfriend and I have been friends ever out of JC. Well there were one year or two that we slipped out of contact. Now that we're older, hopefully wiser, we still love each other the same way - as friends. Supanova is another proof. In fact, in that game of friendster, it's his testimony that I like the most: "I told this girl b4 why not she be more "nicey and sweety" then kena wack up down left right front back. You are very stubborn leh, seldom see you in a stable condition (this girl like to act siao one). Wah, quite negative hor?" Why can't friends stay genderless? No, none of these are friends just because we didn't work out or he don't like me or I don't like him. Why should BGR be in the equation long before friendship is? If you treat me like that, whether you're a male or female, the effect on me is the same. If you read my previous posts, you will realise that I can get upset when a friend is upset with me. I'm not those kind of persons where I can delibrately go hurt someone, and if I know I have to do something that might cause some upset, I'll always be in a dilemma. I've gone through a lot of shit, I've always been kinda of a social misfit - socially stupid. So these few friends of mine, if one of them suddenly withdraws away, of course I'll get hurt. All I want is to stay by your side as a friend/sister and be there for you all I can. I would rather be your abused listening ear than anything, for us to hang out because we enjoy each other's company, for me to be able to know your pain and struggles and you mine so we can pray and comfort each other. Where does gender come in? footnote 1 But I try to justify - Supanova's now attached, and his priority is with his girl. Of course I understand. But sometimes, it does irritate me if he tells me that he rather watch tv than to meet me.. On one hand, I understand he needs his own time. On the other hand, he's wasn't even sharing about his life and stuff to me. I've said it before - it's one thing to be busy, it's another to ignore. Now, I understand some people are REALLY actually busy. And I can only be sorry that I can't be one of their priorities of their lives, I know my own standing. I am just but a fly in this large social garbage bin. But you don't have to spend all your time with me. It's not always about the time spent outside. It's about the "data" exchanged - not just the mere information. And/But whether you know it or you don't, I'm always here for you. You only have to ask. Any of you. All of you. Each one close to my heart has its own space. anyone of you. footnote 1: I am not disputing that gender has its usage or purpose.. I'm saying in this context. Read it within context. And if I have to define context, you're not paying attention.

Conversations

typical conversation between me and Nincompoop: Me: Eh N: What Me: Busy ah N: Ya Me: Ok Five minutes later, driven by boredom. Me: Eh N: What Me: Still busy ah N: Of course la. Where got so free like you. Me: ok ok don't disturb you. Yet another five minutes.. Me: Eh N: What Me: Why no blog? N: Where got time? Me: Ten minutes only what. N: No time la. Me: wle blog leh N: ok ok got time I blog Me: when? N: don't know Me: wle blog only leh N: aiyah, read yours can liao. Me: Not the same! I got no fodder to read liao. N: Go read brown or what Me: *sob* just a post leh N: okok Repeat this twice a week. For this post, I was going through the old conversation history of the MSN between Nincompoop and me. Much of it was during the break I took to cram for my exams. Really miss all the great conversations and suannings.. Then I started reading my conversation history with the Green XBox Man. It was quite fun reading all the dynamics. A typical conversation between the Green XBox Man and me will now be something like this. Me: Yo GXM: yo Me: busy? GXM: ok la. Me: So how's life? GXM: I gtg. Or Me: heya . . . Ah well. I've been seeing a lot of my buddies. Dai Kor, Nincompoop, Supanova, The Faithful Non-boyfriend, The Chubby Singer, The Hiao Boy, and now, my JC jiemei. All male, by the way. Makes me wonder if it's going to be time up for me soon and He's just being kind. I tend to possess the most suffocating paranoia ever, and I just told HappyBee that no matter what life still has to go on. And I love you all! A lot of friends have been going through bad patches. Do keep them in mind. Dai Kor - Ministry disappointment, certain BGR problems, family's lack of support and career decision deadlocks Nincompoop - Family unity, marital unity and less problems at work. The Chubby Singer - That the problems in his choir will be solved. the Hiao Boy - I guess God knows best for this one. JC Jiemei - to sort out his feelings and making sure the decisions are right. Ok I've got a million things to do on my laptop: reload my driver for the pocketpc keyboard, reload my creative hardware and sync them with my micro, finish the proposal for tkh and then for the tee shirt thingey. On the other hand, I am supposed to do packing now. But I am sleepy... I am yawning. Hope I can wake up again.

Marketing Jargon - the latest tongue twisters

Can anyone understand this sentence without slowly reading it again? "The discourses of branding, if briefly surmised, advocate the methodolgy of consistency in the practises of creativity. Paradoxical as it may sound, consistency and creativity exist in polar extremes, like Oscar Wilde once said, 'Consistency is the last refuge of the unimaginative.' Hence draws forth the conclusion that applying Oscar Wilde to the concept of branding is analogous to saying that coffee is a stimulant yet a relaxant." - An ad for Suzuki Coffee Huh? Waitaminit. The first sentence alone has 17 words, of which 6 of them at least 3 syllabus. Why can't people use simple England? My England not that powderful, ok? What da heow? footnote 1 And where did coffee jump in? If this was an essay in Secondary School, it would been a big fat F. Waitaminit. No wonder they ended up copywriters! footnote 2 Footnotes 1. Copyright Mr Miyagi. Actually Mr Brown. Erm, but it's Mr Miyagi's site. But it's mb writing. But.... 2. No offense to copywriters. Please don't sue me. I love you all.

I totally agree.

For those who think teaching is easy: Difficult students Difficult grading Being there for students

Unforgetful You part 2

The more I think about it, the more the song "Unforgetful You" speaks to me, especially in these circumstances. Each verse seems to describe me... being a child, calling Him King, but the one part that really makes me see the need to seek Him is "..though I just won't behold it, unless it pertains to me..." Unforgetful You. Blessed me. Cruxified Christ. Saved Lee.

unforgetful You

Jars of Clay - Unforgetful You I never minded calling you a king If that meant that I could count on you To give me everything I never thought to ask you I always thought you knew It was never my intention to question you You never minded calling me a child Well, I guess that’s how I acted all the while But you live through every tantrum, you see through every lie Though they seem to be more common I just wanted you to know why oh why Unforgetful you, unforgetful Unforgetful you, so unforgetful You never minded giving us the stars Then showing us how blind and unaware of you we are You painted me a picture and showed me how to see Though I just won’t behold it Unless it pertains to me... Time after time, He just shows me that I am exactly what I dislike. God... You know my heart and You know my needs, and You know my desires. I give them all unto You. Remind me daily, I pray.

take the steering wheel, please

Lord, I pray that You make me the person You want me to be. Let me decrease and You increase. Let me not be afraid of anything but to have You in my heart all the time, let me not worry about anything but to pray about everything (Philipians). That I will not be a hypocrite, not self-righteous, that I'll truly seek you, not be distracted by life, that my temper will be kept, that I will have You in the centre of my life. I have seen Your beauty, Your power, Your love... and how can I ever forget such beauty, such power and such love. Drive, Lord, and I'll ride.

Serenity

I don't know what happened, but I know you're hurting inside... I can't do anything, but I can be there for you... don't cry alone, you deserve more. If you need to cry, don't cry alone... "Lord, please help me have the courage to change what I can, the serenity to accept what I can't and the wisdom to know the difference."

All these nonsense got to stop

God has been speaking to me quite some these few days, and every time He never ceases to amaze me. He spoke to me about things seemingly petty yet a large strain on my finances (taking cabs), subtle but impacting on my walk with him (my addiction), my wants confused as needs among others. Today's sermon was good, undoubtedly Dinah Lee is a good speaker and today's message was quite powerful. Perhaps I'll go for the youth service next week where Pastor Jeff will be speaking on the same thing - I've learnt that different speakers, though using the same main points, can bring out different thoughts and emotions in different people, including me. Today's message was about idolatry and customising God, but it wasn't that that caught me. I've been telling God for a long time that all these nonsense I do has to stop. But each time I still drift away, until when I realise it's not possible (for me anyways) to just end all that sh*t at one go. Growing closer to God is a continuous process and to be honest, I am glad every time direction is provided and when I feel that little bit of "growth" I really really thank God for it. Seriously, I have to do my part. Like I was telling Sandy (as a metaphor for something else), I can't pray for healing in a wound and then continue to pick on the wound with a needle. Not that God isn't powerful enough but it just doesn't make sense right? God isn't our servant where we can control Him but a loving father that cares for us. Well, Christian Jargon again, I can see you shake your head, but we ain't paid to say all these. =) So... all these nonsense got to stop. soon. now. btw... "scandalous scandalous!" lol =)

This is a random title because I have no idea what to put

I couldn't resist. One of the best posts I have read in a long long while (I nearly laughed out loud in the office): all that name calling

Of friends and men and love.

I know her heart is breaking, and I really hate myself for not being able to do anything about it. But how do you comfort a girl who's heartache comes from a guy that was never hers? Perhaps it was her own fault the last time round, she was still attached, and that hurt him probably, and mostly my fault for introducing them when I knew she might do something funny. But somewhere inside I was hoping that this new found love would give her courage to end the past one, the one that had dragged on and on and was making everyone tired. He had no courage instead. A gentleman, no doubt, to fight for a woman who's already with another. We both thought she was ok, that there wasn't that kind of feelings left, after so long... both of us were wrong. That clubbing trip where she saw him with another girl made her fume with rage almost, and leave with some cocky bas***d for supper. The next one where he joined us, his playing along made her heart soar... but the higher you fly, sometimes, the harder you fall. I knew what he was thinking. We didn't talk much, we didn't sms each other after that night, but I could guess perhaps what was in his mind. He was confused as well, I know, probably troubled like that time we saw him in the pool, or perhaps not. Perhaps he was just running away. But I could not tell her what I know, and girl, I know you might be reading this. I know, sometimes I tell you to just trust me, and this time, please... just trust me. If he comes to you, maybe something different would start, but for now, when he's hiding in a lone corner, just go on with your life. Is there something within us humans that want to latch onto something emotionally? I experience that too, that pent-up emotional energy that I know I might lash onto some unwillingly (on both our parts), only to regret the insensitive action later on. I don't want to accidentally load this onto a guy that I'm just fond on, and I'm actually frustrated over this. Last night I was woken by a phone call. The Tribal Loner's friend, The Maggi Mee Guy, called me. I entertained him for a while, and got more and more awake every sentence passed in the conversation. He asked me then, "she still like him meh." The first thought that came within my mind was "Did he ask you to ask?" But I replied, "yes, and he knows." The urge to flirt with him came within my mind, but I knew, what for? I don't fancy him, not in that way, not a little. He probably feels the same way, that this girl is just someone I can look for when I'm bored or what not. But I know that's not what I want. I can invest emotions into what I think is worth it, but like what I confided in the Family Man: [men, please] don't come to me when you're lonely, don't come to me when you're bored, don't come to me when all you want is sex, and don't come to me when you can't accept me totally, or when you know I can't have you. I have a lot of these, you'll be surprised. Probably guys who like me can't accept my character, and guys who like my character are too late. But God, as trusty as He is, spoke to me last night. He reminded me of 3 things (which I promptly forgot because I was too lazy to get up and write them down) and what I remember was: 1) my celibracy promise - for a year or two? I'm not sure. But although I was single for nearly 2 years when this was made, from the promise to now only been a few months. 2) my 3 month promise - sandy knows of this. She's my living reminder. 3) I can't remember this one, but I have an uncertain vague idea. I might be wrong. Got to pray about it. Nonetheless, when He spoke to me about this, I was relieved. I felt the burden that I placed on myself was lifted. He knows the way, and I hope she can walk with me in this way, because He has always been here for me, healing me, touching me, guiding me. I want her to experience this love too. I love her, my best friend, the one who has seen me through all my shit (and vice versa) since I was 15. June asked me yesterday when I met her for dinner, "why do you and her still keep in touch?" I found that an absurd question, and I told her, "Contact is ongoing - like you and Bernard. You both will keep on calling each other, and stuff." She asked again, "Why are you close friends?" or something like that. She explained that was due to our differences that she asked, and replied her own question that perhaps it was due to exactly that that we're still friends. I've been asking her that question too, spurred on by a comic strip's series on that. She replied that it was perhaps we were different. But I told June, on that moment of realisation, "We are different, but we are the same. (Before that I was telling her about the reason that both of us won't dump men) We have different interests, true, but we try to be involved in each other's life. I won't ask her along to those weird weird music events (I meant indie) because I know she won't be interested. But if I really want someone to come with me, and I ask her that, I know she'll oblige." In fact, the Zuo Bo Engineer also asked me the same question, "You don't know who she likes, then you this best friend is do what one..." (in his words la~) And I replied, stuttering, "I know if she has a boyfriend, she'll tell me first. And for me to be there for her, my reward would exactly be that: for me to be there for her. I don't delight in her pain, I'm not a sadist, but we are all human. We laugh, we cry, we cheer, we bemoan, we love, we hate, we hurt, we rejoice. And my reward is to be there for her each turn. Same for the rest of my friends: Samuel (God Bless you, bro!), Supanova, The Family Man, Rain (say a prayer for her), The Green Girl, June, Sandy, Kyoko, and all the other people that I am not able to state because I can't come out with enough nicknames haha, and also, I'm writing this at work. I still want this job, so I shan't risk it. As I was saying, my friends are important to me, and them being my friends are my reward. And girl, I know you're hurting... and I am sorry I can't do anything. Although more than anything in the world I want to help you but there's nothing I, or you, can do about this. We just have to rough this out together... but remember, you're never alone. There's your family, your classmates, your friends, me, and God.

a tribute to The Zuo Bo Engineer

he sat next to me/sipping his tea/just quietly/observing his wounds/buried deep in his heart he looked up and/gave me a smile/tried to swallow/all the hurt inside but/he knew it was time "I've been trying/a million times already today/to ignore that pain/but I can't. Thought of all the times/you hurt me and made me cry/hoping it would make me/love you just a little less All those times of suspect/of wondering if you ever/really loved and cared/whether you did But something inside me/refuses my amnesia/and inside my mind flashes/scenes of us together All the scenes I remember/are of us being together/of you walking by me/everyday, saying hello Everyday you take time out/listening, talking, smiling/laughing, having fun/and I do so too but inside I'm hurting/Deep down it hurts to be with you/because I love you/but I'm only a friend to you If I never met you, I wouldn't like you/If I didn't like you I wouldn't love you/If I didn't love you I wouldn't miss you, but I did, and I do. Forgive me, because I do love you." he sat by the river/tears all dried by now/the true act of a man/because he dared to show it because he loved. copyrights all reserved to original owners of statements, and also to The Zuo Bo Engineer: took it from his friendster. lines are not all original.

Has communion lost its meaning for me? I was wondering during communion today. Yea, I can just have images of Christ's journey on earth, but my heart has stopped responding. I know He's been increasingly good to me, most probably due to the fact that I am starting to allow Him to do so. He is God, and He is good, but I need to go in deeper into myself and work at it more. I don't want to miss His goodness. Got to solve this problem. Got to pray about it. Reassured that He's always here listening. Will blog about 过分美丽's birthday celebration at the Cheapskate Club soon. And... Celine and VC: happy birthday! And... Mingzhu and Sandy: happy birthday! And... Jo: happy birthday! There's something I like about blinkymummy: perhaps it's the "I fall down, I say **************, I get up..." **** because you know, you never know who the government target next. But ah well, all to fate I guess.