are you in or out?

Bad idea to watch Cocktail knowing that my hands still itch to mix. Ah well. I had dinner with a friend in the business that day, and hearing his complaints gave me such an itch to get back in. Damn it. They say, you can never leave this trade. Haha. raising duncan - either you're in or you're out

fear, part 623482

Bleeding. Stomach? Fear. Wake up tomorrow, please.

to be able to tell you to your face, "do it yourself" without feeling like I don't deserve it.. to be able to tell you to your face, "I deserve more than this" without feeling like I'm being disrespectful.. to be able to tell you to your face, "I don't fucking care".

brrrrrrrr

words of wisdom from the cold one: Kingmeng work in bank meh? He work in the zoo mah. King of ah mengs mah. pearls before swine

I woke up as usual this morning, to my delight, not (that) late. I had to take a cab because by the time I finished ironing my clothes, a bus trip would make me late. Luckily for me, a cab was whizzing by the gates of my place. Unluckily, the last time I checked, my bank account was plain empty. I had some cash, but stupidly, I left it at home. With just 5 bucks in my wallet, I was praying that one of my bank accounts had enough to cover for the card swipe for the ride. Thank God it did. So I got to work, and reached my office pretty early (it's normal for people to stream in slowly from 9 plus to 10 plus). I sat down, switched on my spare laptop (my work laptop is still being fixed, for 2 weeks already), and guess what? The internet can't be used, or rather, it was too friggin slow it's as good as unusable - most pages timed out by the time it was half loaded. I had a demo at 11am, so I tested the system as per procedure... to realise that it can't work. The fact that the net was down, I was broke (I was planning to take a train to the client's place) and the demo couldn't work just made my plain miserable. Thank God my prospect was kind, she allowed me to reschedule - I can't go for a demo when the demo can't work! So now, at the spare laptop (which is signed for by my colleague), I'm blogging from Outlook Web, trying not to scream or chew off someone's head. I spoke to the payroll person - they messed up my bank account number (I mean, there has been successful credits all the previous months, I have no idea how that can happen), and I have to accept a cheque, which, by my company's speed, will come tomorrow, meaning I'll get my pay only after the 2nd of Jan. Whoopee. And on the personal front, I'm increasingly pissed at myself and someone else (who is reading this, so I cannot say who), and things I cannot mention. I can't even confide to my blog, and this is increasingly irritating - I am thinking of spinning off my personal stuff to a lagi anonymous blog. So, I really need some coffee. Oh shit, wait, I don't have cash for Starbucks [call me atas, kopi can't give me the caffeine I need to relax]. I think I'll beg for a fag from my colleague. It might give me that much needed drag. ps this post better go through, because the last time I tried to blog via mail, it sent back some error message. If it fails, I'll... I'll... I think I'll need a ciggie.

happy hour

a golden quote from angel at JBar today: He's not long, not at all! (or something like that) Some random pics (from angel's excellent phone cam) we can't finish this! food food food! pretty paper flowers from a pretty chick

dell

Dell, in my family, is a dirty word. After what happened to me, none of us will ever, ever, ever buy Dell again. I don't even want to link them because their URL will taint my blog. I'm glad I am not the only one who thinks that way. Apparently, it also pissed the creator of this vid off. text link here

family survival kit

I'm sure this is not quite applicable for the holidays in Singapore, since the government has tried to encourage us to stick together and the island's too small. But if holidays bring out the worst in your family (I'm sure it works on 'friends' as well), try this.

the humanistic aspect of Christmas has never been so strong as this year. Yea, of course, being Christian, it is still all about Christ. But this year's extended public holidays rang an echo with me. It's all about friends and family, you say? I laugh. If only you knew why. But I still hope you'll have a great Christmas, because it IS a time for friends and family. Cherish them, cherish these times where everyone takes a pause to appreciate each other amidst the crazy parties and gift swapping. Because, after all, at the end, it's all about them (and, to me, God). For me, however... 谁又骑著那鹿车飞过/忘掉投下那礼物給我/凝視那灯饰只有今晚最光最亮/却照亮我的寂寞 谁又能善心亲一亲我/由唇上来验证我幸福过/头上那飘雪想要棲息我肩膊上/到最后也別去么 Ｍｅｒｒｙ，　Ｍｅｒｒｙ　Ｃｈｒｉｓｔｍａｓ/Ｌｏｎｅｌｙ，　Ｌｏｎｅｌｙ　Ｃｈｒｉｓｔｍａｓ/人浪中想真心告白/但妳只想听听笑话 Ｌｏｎｅｌｙ，　Ｌｏｎｅｌｙ　Ｃｈｒｉｓｔｍａｓ/Ｍｅｒｒｙ，　Ｍｅｒｒｙ　Ｃｈｒｉｓｔｍａｓ/明日灯饰必须拆下/换到欢呼声不过一剎 明晨遇到/亦记不到/和谁在醉酒中偷偷拥抱/仍然在傻笑/但妳哪知道我想哭 和谁撞到/亦怕’生保’/宁愿在醉酒中辛苦呕吐/仍然在头痛/合唱的诗歌听不到 The worst type of loneliness the kind where it is the most obvious when you're in a group.

tribute to Nodell

First thing first: I never knew who the author was, and never really cared, until I read this. I absolutely love the Green Lantern, being a superhero that was given powers, as compared to those that were born with it or needing gadgetry (like Batman or the Green Arrow), and used it to the world's benefit. Of course, he had to because of the responsibility placed on him, but also because of the fact that he has to account to someone... although not unlike a certain world leader. Nodell was not the original author, or the 'inventor' of Green Lantern (although he is credited as the creator), but did contribute significantly in his progress. Green Lantern of today(on Justice League on TV) is a African-American man (almost all the others are caucasians, there is one Martian) that had tackled much sensitive topics. Kudos to you, Nodell. May the Green Lantern's spirit live and infect the world.

aack

I am screwed. I kenna this hair-in-throat feeling. I've drank a lot of water, ate some chocolate, downed an entire can of coke and burped my lungs out. It's still there, at the top of my mouth, right where I can't reach it. Because I gag easily, I can't even poke a finger down to pull it down even if I can, by some miracle, see it. My kitchen smells like cat poop, cos I forgot to change the litter today morning and was out nearly the whole day. By the time I reached home, it was too dark. Yes, the light in my litter room has gone, and I haven't changed it (note to self - need to change it ASAP!), and hence I can't change the litter... My house's a mess, plus Alex had a bad tummy upset (I only think it's him, cos I saw him puke once recently), and there's watery shit plus dried up puke on the floor. I seriously need to clean the house, including my room (it looks like a new refugee camp, only messier). I am so going to get a panic attack tonight. Hope I survive. Hope I'm alive tomorrow. Too complicated to explain in detail. Update: I just puked. Choc+a cookie I just ate came out. I tried to feel for a hair, but I couldn't. Argh. I'm now downing an entire bottle of iced water. argh. cathy: the original aack-er.

how some people can be evil

growing up I was kenna naive and innocent, so I could never understand how someone would want to intentionally hurt someone else - yes, I did tell on my sister, but I didn't always feel smug or gratified when I did, in fact I often offered to share punishment: my point was always that something was wrong, not that she did something wrong. When I grew older my mean streak grew, but most of the time I never really want the person to feel that bad. Perhaps I'll just suan them (and get suaned back). I remember my first taste of really 'hurting' someone and shocked that I savoured it. I guess I'm not so innocent and kind. And everyone knows that in blogging, there are people who aim to insult. I mean, fine, if you're so bored, what can we do? Blinkymummy was one person that had to tahan that. There was a mini insult marathon on my friend's blog. I cannot understand how someone can pointedly wish that another's unborn would be a stillborn. If you hate the person so much, go ahead and insult her, but the baby's innocent. The most shocking thing is that the offending party is a mother too. I pity her kids. At least when xx insults someone, she leaves her name behind. Have you ever wondered why most of these people are anonymous commenters? Oh wait, they don't have a blog? At the rate that some of them go, it's not surprising - they spend all their time on other's people's blogs, hoping to see some response. It's like one of those bully things from school, but there's a difference. These people are cowards. I remember an Enid Blyton story where children will look into a mirror and it'll reflect their real reflection back (the magic mirror). I also remember one reflection was a rat, and the mirror owner said, "You are the worst kind. You'll bully the ones smaller than you but am afraid of those bigger than you." or something. These people are like these, and you'll be really surprised at it: they'll comment on how wrong others are, wish their unborn retarded, and when the same is reflected, cry bloody murder, perhaps, because, the others deserved it and they didn't. In the first place they don't even read properly before jumping to conclusions. I've done that. Once you're caught bluffing in that sense, you'll try to cover your tracks and do even more stupid stuff. It's never ending. It's easy to admit that someone is wrong, just as long the person is not yourself.

with reference to my MSN personal messages

Isn't it funny that the only people who asked (in case it was them) were those who weren't? Isn't it funny that those that I've meant the messages to mean something to mark me rather low of their list of existing thingeys? bonanas: the irony escapes me I don't know why I care. There is a fine line between being righteous and being self-righteous. Coming to screw me up about the messages without asking whether I'm alright or not? Oh wait. I must matter less. Oh silly me, I forgot. sally forth: not worth it

tongue-tying

ben It's ok, I can't pronounce abominable as well.

tired

I'm so tired. So tired of asking you out and getting rejected. So tired of having to tahan your comments. So tired of being 2nd. So tired of not being important. So tired of being on-call. So tired of your sometimes stupidity. So tired of your pointed words. So tired of having to hide. So tired of having to hide what I really feel sometimes. So tired of trying to be nice. So tired of having all these and end up alone. So tired of all these shite. I'm so tired. Yet, in the Lord I must persevere. In the Lord I draw my strength.

ever have one of those lives?

It happened again. After a good time at IMM with chuwen [he has crush on a sweet young thing! hahahaha], although there were no cute guys to be seen, I reached home and immediately it came back, that feeling. Then fear started when furgie started scratching at the floor for nothing. I don't know why I started to fear... then I saw one piece of shit on the floor. I didn't know whether to be thankful that it was something or shout at her for shitting on the floor. pearls before swamp I have no mouth but must scream ©

long lost relatives #52618

arte johnson Steve Carell Arte Johnson played 'Cousin Edgar' in Bewitched (albeit one episode), while Steve Carell, once newsreader, is now way-to-great comedy actor in The Office (US) and the 40 Year Old Virgin. If not for the obviously glaringly different surnames (or like you westerners say, last names), I would have thought they are related, ie Father and Son.

linus

linus always seem to know when I'm upset. she sat on the TV again, falling asleep in the warmth of the electronic heat and the sun's afternoon rays, looking at me, cleaning herself and eventually her eyes slowly closed. She tried to fool me that she wasn't looking at me, until I realised that she was peering under her eyelids, before she realised that I knew too, and shut it tight. Even on normal days she does the sweetest things, as if giving me assurance like, "I'm here, it's alright." I feel guilty day after day, and last night when I slept in my room, I realised that she wasn't there and it felt weird. I can't wait to move, and one of the biggest points about that is that I'll be able to devote much more attention to her then. Simply can't wait.

you understand?

wanted to blog about what a normal day I had, and how happy I was about that and then some of my feelings and thoughts on related stuff. and then I received an sms that made me quite angry, sad and irritated. I thought about blogging about it. now, I'm just.. I don't know how to describe. So perhaps I'll blog about these some other day. But yea, I'm alive, and I'm alright. herb and jamaal: He knows, alright.

I'm sure she said the 8th

my dasao told me that my brother would be coming back for a weekend from the 8th. Well, it's already 3am, and he's not back. I keep hearing numerous taxis and cars come into my carpark. During 9pm, there was a false alarm when Alex suddenly mewed very loudly as if my brother was downstairs and then he ran to the door, waiting. I unlocked the door so it'll be easier for him to come in, but up to now.... nothing. Just to let you know, I did ask my dasao about what time would he be flying in, but I guess she was too tired/busy to reply. I could have sworn it was him! Serious!

loneliness

I try not to self-diagnose. I am prone to that and hence take special care now to allay paranoia. I'm quite problematic. Recently I've been feeling void, empty, lonely. People who know me well know what I can never quite fit in, and I've learnt to not struggle to make my voice be heard in my family. In fact, I'm starting to prefer to keep to myself. This has gone on for a couple of years, but never stronger. Unfortunately, when I do see an opportunity for me to finally have a voice, I sometimes overcompensate. I can't help it. If I could, I wouldn't have been miserable in school, not having friends, not having real close friends. So loneliness I am prone to. And the worst kind is the type where it strikes you while you're in a group. You chat, you talk, you socialise, but you know underneath it's all empty. However, this month it has been odd. I've been telling friends online that I just want someone to hold me. Then, last week, a friend came by to game with me, and after all the excitement about Halo, right after he left, it came right back as if it just recovered from the 'pause' function. I started thinking about when this started and approached it with a step-by-step checklist, forcing myself to be downplay the actual feelings in my heart just in case. Then I saw an article in the Newpaper and it matched my initial suspicion. Coincidentally my follow up with my psychiatrist was in the same week, and I started sharing with her, in a controlled manner: no more verbal vomit!. I wanted her to get my facts in a logical manner, and I sort of hoped I was wrong. She confirmed it: I have mild depression on top of my GAD. She explained to me that depression and anxiety disorders are interlinked and treated according to which symptoms the patient shows and to which end of the spectrum the patient is more inclined to. Actually, suicidal thoughts are only in more serious cases, so please don't worry. She also explained that it was common for patients to move along the spectrum and may have symptoms of both disorders. I never felt more relieved. I seriously thought that I was a problem case! Heh. At least I know what's happening, and feel so much more in control now. All these senseless feelings of loneliness and void (it'll come at the strangest times and in the strangest events), the loss of concentration, the losing my train of thought way too often (and not being too coherent)... I'm not nuts! It's not extraordinary Alzheimer's! It's not something that is so rare that it'll be a gone case! There are days where I sit in front of the work laptop, squinting at the Post-It notes of my prospects on my cubicle wall, and cannot remember if I just called them. Haha. I guess I have to stop using "I'm old liao". The thing about loneliness is that it is a very awkward and unique emotion. Think about it this way: there is rarely a good reason for loneliness, besides breakups and the sudden loss of companionship - you always had someone there for you, but now you're all alone; and by alone, I do not mean physically. And because I had ample case-studies about friends and me, I conclude, but do not hold it to my word (because I cannot afford a lawyer or to be dragged into a long intellectual conversation on why I am wrong): Loneliness is a state of being. It surpasses the control that an emotion has over a human, and behave in a generally different manner as compared to other emotions. Ok I just lost my train of thought again. Argh. I'm not very crever already, and this happens. Ah well. At least I can blame my (increasing) bad writing on it! Hahahaha. Suddenly craving for satay. Damn.

witch

I've been watching too witchy shows. Over the week I've browsed upon (and watched because there was absolutely nothing to watch on the other channels - it wasn't even nice) at least 2 witch shows: T*witches (which is based on a series of books) and Sabrina (cartoon). This is on top of the DVD box set that I've rented. Bewitched, season one, and in black and white no less! I'm going to rent Cheers (they got season 3 and 4 I think) and have already finished the Nanny's first season. I love old sitcoms.

chili padi

you all know nadnut right? the damn hawt girl? I absolutely heart her, and because I'm so bored, I made a new banner for her. now, isn't that true? *grins*

fear

you have any idea what's it's like to live in constant fear?   fear of things that WILL happen, but perhaps not now.   the constant worry that it'll happen today, later, now.   I'm getting afraid to go home, although I long to be in my comfort zone again. just that I'm afraid that I won't survive the journey back. even now, my most "comfortable" form of transport - taxis - have been influenced. I'm going take bus now, my illogical rationales, haha.   daily, deja vu - it irks me, it scares me, it shocks me.   words like home, go, leave, rest, goodbye... it frightens me.   See you guys tomorrow.

wolf in sheep's clothing

please don't say you're a model agency if... ...as talents, models and some would double up as social escorts. They are available for business and leisure. It continues: Our girls are educated and speak well. The selection criteria are very stringent like any other modeling agency. The girls’ poise, beauty, charisma, fitness and ability to converse well are taken into account. We also look at the girl’s warmth, courtesy, friendliness, ambition and background. Any hint that a girl may cause any embarrassment or dissatisfaction to our clients at any time is out rightly rejected. We hire girls who have every reason to be 100% discreet because they are either students or with professional careers and we train them to cater to the whims and fancies of a gentleman. Each one of our stunning and sophisticated girl is a young girl, fully committed to ensuring that the time you spend with her is most fulfilling. Just say you're pimping out whores, stop trying to look so atas. Escort Services Some of our models and talents choose to keep important clients companion with the highest confidentiality and secrecy. Only very attractive individuals and those with fantastic attitude are allowed to do escort assignments Gift Bookings Need to entertain an important guest or client? The company and our escorts place high emphasis on attentiveness and service quality to our clients. They are trained to deal with and fit into all sorts of social business settings. Breaks and Vacations Taking a few days break, a week or more vacation? Feel free to get in touch with us to discuss options. All of our escorts have current passports and are available for international travel. Evening and Overnight You want a to spend an evening at the theatre or a concert and have private time after that, or simply wish to have a gorgeous girl keep you company in you room overnight. And the most outrageous of this "Talent and Model Agency": Escort Rates - Price indicated includes all other service charges. No other hidden or extra charges for anything that happens behind closed doors. If that's not whoring, I don't know what is. Does your company sell sex? We do not sell sex. Our services are meant for adult entertainment. Whatever agreed & consented are between 2 adults of legal age and money exchanged is for companionship only. It's agencies (and some 'employees') like this that give modelling a bad name, and shame or force some girls into "social escorting" due to some contract shit. By the way, if you were duped into signing some contract, you can rescind it. Don't say, "oh what to do, you think the police will care?" before you actually try it. By the way, if all you're doing is persuading people to buy beer, don't call yourself a model. You're just an atas salesgirl. They may be clotheshorses, but at least they work hard for that.

things to make certain well-known bloggers spit out their coffee if they are drinking any

Tell Mooiness: "I like your blog! You're so funny! You're just like KennySia! (not that there's anything wrong with that) Tell Blinkymummy: "I like your blog! You're so funny! You're just like xiaxue!" (not that there's anything wrong with that) Tell SibehSian: "I like your blog! You're so funny! By the way, I think you're pretty!" (not that there's anything wrong.... ok, wait, there is.) Tell LMD: "I like your blog! You're so funny! You're not auntie at all, even if you're very old!" (not that there's anything wrong.... ok, wait, there is. She's a beautiful woman. Stop being jealous) Tell Cowboycaleb: "I like your blog! You're so funny! Are you gay?" (not that there's anything wrong with that) Tell Nadnut: "'netnut', I like your blog! You're so funny! Have you finished secondary school?" (not that there's anything wrong with asking, but you better make sure the reason why you asked is because she has a beautiful youthful face) (for goodness sake, please, I'm just kidding. These bloggers here, I love them, and read them probably almost everyday. Blog spats are serious nasty shite. But then I'm sure if you start flaming me, that's a sign of me having arrived.)

not smart

I went for a follow-up with the psycharist and ended up late for work after lunch. Fortunately, the nurse today was understanding - she saw me fly in, so she said, after my "set appointment for me now, can? I'm late for work, send the bill to my house." She said, "just go, I'll send both to your house." Unfortunately, I had medication to take and hence off to the pharmacy it was. After the same "I'm in a hurry, so sorry" explanation from me and a bemused smile from the unruffled pharmacist, I waited for my medication. The same pharmacist called out my number, and asked me if I took the medication before. I nodded yes, and then she asked, how do you take these? I was taken aback, no one asked me this before. But I was in a hurry! So I said, honestly, With water *smack head* Not smart. I apologise for the lack of delays. I'm trying to be a hardworking girl at work. After a twist of fate (and unexpected payouts), all the financial planning I have done did not prepare me for this: I have less than 100 dollars for this month, on Christmas, nonetheless! I'm glad that I've decided to tighten my belt already last month and hence have stocked up on groceries (sponsored by my dad - I must be the only person in the world who fights with my parents because they regularly try give me money.) I've more than 50 dollars only because I had to ask a certain friend to pay me back - not that I wanted to, she needs the money more than me, but because I really needed it now. So all these Christmas wishes... will have to wait until next year. Goodbye, bicycle... Goodbye, new pda phone... Goodbye, sofa... Goodbye, new knife... Goodbye, moving out before June... Goodbye, 5 papers even if I could cope with them. The only lack of money is due to the fact that I didn't tithe for quite a while. See, God works in mysterious ways! cartoonstock: don't look at me, all I want is for that business deal to come through

only married people allowed on iCell's network

I was at iCell's registration page, trying to get free wireless broadband, because, you know, I am cheapskate. Then I came to this: Here's a closer look. bleah.