changes

I know I'm supposed to be hard at work, but I couldn't help it. I did a little change to my blog today, and see if you can spot it! Btw, click it to let it chase the mouse, and click it again for it to go back to its corner to sleep. Spotted this at her blog. Her husband's one of those on my links, btw. =)

chill

it's raining. normally the ideal is to snuggle in bed with someone with a good book and a warm cuppa. I'm thinking of taking a cool shower. heh. I'm lying on my tummy, on a thin mattress of the floor. Would love to have a tatami but my cats would shred it to bits, or worse, pee on it. Wouldn't it be nice to have a cold shower, some aromatherapy candles burning around, a couple of cats on my mat and some nice sitcoms playing on the telly? Of course, having another someone in the shower scrubbing my back, lighting the candles, caressing my cats and having an extra pillow (his tummy, flat, preferably!) to lie on would be nice, but well, this isn't all too bad. =) Seinfeld: sure nice on cool weather

Medication

I’m eyeing my medication, a little nervous and apprehensive on whether I should take it. My therapy has ended, not enough I have fully recovered (even if there is such a thing), but because my therapist is leaving Singapore for a year and I chose to not continue with another.   I had a near attack in the morning, on the bus; it was not so much the gasping for air, but the logic meltdown in my head again, of God and life and death and afterlife, and I nearly exploded inside. The fear grew, though oddly unfamiliar, not because it has not been visiting me (it has), but because it seems to be a different form. I am unsure, and am afraid that this fear would take on not just different mediums, but different forms. I am already afraid of so many things, I can’t even take the train. But I’m so tired…   This fear, however, is different – it does not tie into these reservations. Can I really take a flight, albeit a short one?  Can I really have an operation, albeit a minor one? Can I really, really, live, despite all these?   Minor victories are huge. I won’t let myself take one step forward and two steps back. I know I cannot do this alone, but only with God, I can.   ps. Thanks for all the comments for the previous post. I think some of you mistaken that for a negative post. Actually that was a happy post. TV was not a comfort, but rather, a form of ‘medication’ if you know what I mean. For me to be able to survive on non-tv means I cut off that ‘medication’ and survived. =) Thanks for the support, and please continue to read.

品冠, 品冠, I heart you.

friends who have heard me rave would know that I have a soft spot for Malaysian boys, especially if they are shy/geeky. Hence, I'll declare myself a slave to anyone who can personally introduce me to 品冠. I'm a tad lazy to explain why, but I won't say he's the perfect man (well, God, that's reserved for just you), but I like him. Heh. Argh, those smiles, those eyes, the glasses, and the image he portrays (I'm realistic, haha). 品冠, from your 光良品冠 days, I've always noticed you! I've got your first solo album (even though it wasn't too hot in Singapore). This is as teeny-boppy as I'll get. Hahahah.

mini victories are huge.

I don't know how many friends read this blog, and how many of these are from my church. I never fancied myself a blogger that appealed to the masses, although a high hitcount from my nation's blog readers would be a nice feather in the cap - you know that what you write is relevant to the "masses". So those that have been reading my blog regularly would know that I have GAD. The main concern is death, and what it brings. Friends have been tried to "talk me out of it", and as well-meaning as they are, if I could have been talked out of it, it would have never happened in the first place. Don't ask me how I got it - how does one get depression? how does one become bipolar or have Schizophrenia? Because of this, I have stopped drinking (not that I was a great drinker in the first place), and tried very hard to stop drinking caffeinated drinks, which was not easy, because although I was not a huge fan of Kopi, I like the occasional Starbucks Latte, and I love drinking soft drinks. I recall once, not long ago, I had a recurring pain on my lower right abs. Of course, the immediate fear was appendicitis.. (I also had a recurring pain on my left chest, which brought more fear, which I do not wish to delibrate) Every doctor I saw for a while (around 4, I reckon) put it down to stress after I revealed I had GAD. When I finally managed to see my doctor (I went to his clinic, and got a substitute instead, who refused me the ECG), he understood my concerns and systematically gave me medication after going through some questions. The main point is that medication to relieve bloating and encourage erm, shitting, made me have a near panic attack that afternoon. I called up the hospital's pharmacist to check if these would have caused it, because I don't think that my doctor would have given medication that have reacted that way. She was rather surprised and said that it shouldn't have happened. It was only yesterday that I got curious at another medication (to help me fart) that I realised that certain antacids (actually, certain components inside) can cause mood changes. It was probably amplified in me due to GAD. Friends would also know that I use TV as a distraction (distraction is a technique encouraged by therapists, esp at the beginning stages) and sleep in front of it as a result. I have grown significantly better, and hence will track mini-victories. I do not wish to forget how lonely I have felt in the beginning, not because I felt no one understood, but because no one actually understood. You never actually think you'll get better, it becomes hard to foresee any future, at least for me. I did not switch on the telly at all today. I was listening to music, and my colleague had put my playmode on my zen micro (which was another mini-victory in itself) in "Play All Music", and Praise and Worship came on. I became happy, even joyful, although whether this turn is just due to hormonal swing again is yet to be seen. Today I deleted his phone number for good, and am glad I did so! Step by step, to a normal life again. yay.

lunch

an average bowl of laksa, crappy topics and great laughter with friends. that's a fantastic lunch.

empty-headed

Watching Tom and Jerry reruns on the Cartoon Network. A bit empty-headed. Trying to be busier at work... haha. More tomorrow.

how not to borrow clothes for an audition

apt3G: 11th November 2006

I don't like to feel like...

...a discarded condom. Or a rental DVD. Or a Boyband. bonanas: fat hope.

raining on your parade

So you know those guys where there are storm clouds following them wherever they are, even if they are indoors? They are not just unlucky, it's a gift. I mean, how many people you know can be miserable 24/7? It's easy to learn, but hard to master. Being miserable is the only way they can be happy, no matter how ironic it is. somethingpositive: not very. I think if you can, you should make money out of it. In fact, if you can, if you only have that ONE talent, please, milk it for all its worth. Did anyone hear that a certain Wee was earning endorsements for tuition centres? Be elite. Study at xxxx Tuition Center!"

thanks nadnut

it's "Nutnut" not "Netnut" by the way. Haha. I'm still trying to pronounce it properly, but for this dearie, I can! She put up the pics for the dinner on sunday already. Go check it out!

when will it end?

for better or for worse: please? for those still fighting, but involuntarily, you have my sympathies. I pray that the fighting will end soon, the killing of brother and sister, the betrayal of father and mother, and the slaughter of sons and daughters.

terrible

for all the things that are shit that are happening now, for all that shit that have happened, and the cowardice: it's not you, it's me. and I know it.

just realised...

...that I'll never be as important to you as she did, even if she isn't now. to you, you and you.

furgie speaks

干妈's a tad busy, or so she says. Actually I think she's supposed to be busy, but finds it a tad hard to do so. Slacker! Anyways, that day her friends came and tried to lure me out of the room. Harlow people, can give me some space? I'm a gentle sweet thing. I'll come out in my own time. Haha. I don't like too much people, and stop trying to bathe me again! I'm clean already! See, I'll lick myself! Last night 干妈 came home around 11 plus, but Mummy just left! I miss my Mummy and Daddy so much. 干妈 says Daddy's in Jakarta, and Mummy's going to visit him again. Mummy sayanged me a bit. I can't wait for Daddy to come back, and then Mummy will be here all the time again, but 干妈 says when that happens next year, she'll be bringing Linus and moving out. Why can't she take Kiwi? Kiwi always whacks me... Linus is just unsociable. I'll miss 干妈 and her tummy rubs, and I'll miss sitting on the lap in front of the fan... I still have nearly a year to enjoy that!

dinner

We consumed: 1.5L F&N Funky Apple 1.5L F&N Orange 0.58kg of Salmon Whole block of 125g SCS Butter 0.646kg of Aussie Rump Steak 0.2kg of Chicken Mince Meat 0.3kg of Pork Loin 0.2kg of Pork Mince Meat 0.17kg of Streaky Bacon 50g of Double Brie Cheese 250g of Portabello Mushroom 200g of Brown Mushroom 700g of Onions 200g of Red Capsicum 175g of Yellow Capsicum 250g of Cherry Tomato 275g of Aussie Broccoli 100g of Thai Asparagus 3 stalks of corn 500g of Baby Potato 6 Eggs 4kg of Charcoal 1 Riesling A lot of Aluminium Foil A lot of water (to my bill!) etc and we had a lot of fun =) Check out nadnut's blog for any pics on it. This was the 1st dinner I hosted at my place, and it was, well, considered a success? =) Of course these were the guinea pig batch haha. There'll be more to come, and I hope each passing sessions boast of better food. =) And, the next time, I need more cash donations! Heh. Thanks to contributions here and there from each of you sweet people, like charcoal, a great tasting tiramisu, TLC in prepping the food, setting the table, wine, etc... Next time, to the next time!

coca cola, oh coca cola

I was at cold storage yesterday when my companion brought to my attention something that I've been seeking ever since I've been told that Caffeine's bad for my GAD. caffeine free! How does it compare? For someone who prefers Coke Light (no lemon please!) to the normal Coke, I was skeptical, especially after said friend MSNed me with, "taste the same! KNN!" Isn't that good, then? Heh. Well, if you ask me, if tastes less sugary, although there is a weird subtle but distinct taste of corn, which is weird even if "high fructose corn syrup" is a listed ingredient. But, in one word... Nice!

home, home on the range

I went home just now. My mother cooked, and I tell you, I haven't had such great tasting white rice for a long time. The food wasn't great, but boy, I took joy in that familiar-tasting comfort. =) My mum also amended my pants for me, and 2 of my tops, and saved me a great deal of money when I took some of her extra disposable plates and cups, and a bigger saucepan than what I have (since I've been fond of cooking for friends!). Of course, she went on about me moving back. Mothers, ever so cute. However, it wouldn't be "so cute" if I actually stayed with her again and fought everyday. So to you who do not understand my family's relationship and think I am being super unfilial by staying on my own, stick your myopic self-righteousness concern up your ass. The funny thing about growing up, is that we all wish to be kids again. But I recall being a kid was not as fun as it seemed, and I couldn't wait to grow up! Can I just stay 16 all my life? fborfw: I was never this obnoxious. On a side note, my dishes never seemed finished.

great pasta

sometime this week I was promptly rejected by Lex and Anodize and was left with just ahmit for dinner. Not that I'm complaining, he makes great company.. just that the 2 first-mentioned people later showed up at Holland Village... anyways... So we decided to have pasta, and ended up at The Riverwalk's Ricciotti. (I think I got the name wrong the first time). Besides the fact that their species of Tiger Prawns are smaller than my thumb... nothing else was wrong! Their pasta was fantastic. It was better than Al Dente, and cheaper than it too (about 20 bucks per person). Half off all pastries after 9pm too =) I definitely want to go back again.

one of those days

pearls before swine why is it that the days that you really don't wanna be alone, no one else is free? stickgal When I say "no one else is free", I mean no one wants to go out with you, even if it's doing nothing at your place. peanuts

if you thought I was bad

Check out LMD's post about her ex-boyfriend's house. To those that had come to my place before, it's nowhere as disgusting hor!

not quite Botak Jones but not bad at all

Best friend wanted to try Botak Jones on Monday. So lo and behold, when we arrived, a bit starving, we realised that it was closed every Monday. We discussed it and decided that we should go have prata, but at the junction, we sidetracked to a coffeeshop near Clementi CC that sells quite good Fish-Head Beehoon (or so it's supposed to be). Anyways, we ended up eating Western... and it was quite good! huge ass condiments It's a bit blur, but it's Yilmaz Western, next to Clementi CC. There's a Hong Kong Zhen Zhu Chu Chao there too.

get it up, get it up

It's always like this. I worked quite hard in the morning... then I went to get an early lunch, because there was a meeting scheduled at 12.30, and if I waited to have lunch after the meeting, I would be late for the 4.30 meeting. (No joke. Meetings rarely start on time in my company). So, I went to get lunch with 2 of my colleagues. I know lex will gag at this. Then halfway through lunch, my boss smses my colleague, Running late. Postpone marketing meeting to sales meeting later (which is the one at 4.30, which is also understood by the sales staff to probably start at 6.) After lunch, I couldn't start working again. I wasn't sian. I just... wasn't working. I was thinking about the humongous pile of work at home and the fact that I know I wouldn't finish all of them at home and deadlines and quotas... and then I went to 7-11 to get... by golly, it's great chips. I need to go for late lunches so I finish more work in the morning. Haha. on a side note, I'm farting. hahahahah

I need a new laptop

long overdue!

eye candy

after a hard day at work... it's pleasing to have your favourite local celebrity greet you at the mrt station, even if his face is distorted in a half grimace. adizero, thank you! vincent, you can grimace to me any day... I'm better than Ling Lee, honest!

everybody loves lateness

I'm not a fan of Everyone Loves Raymond, but today's episode (code 0314) was the funniest ever: about the ever lasting debates of women using the bathroom longer than the men can wait. (Not me though, especially when everything is ready) Debra: You used to think I am worth waiting for! Ray: Yes you were! But after 15 years, you would think that you'd be here already! Ray: what time is it? Robert: It's 6.25. Ray: Do you have 6.26? Robert: I will have in a minute. It's also about the delivery. Normally I feel that it's a bit forced, especially from Ray Romano and the mum, although the actress acting the wife is really not bad. But this episode is quite good. Perhaps because it's Season 8 and hence they have better 默契.

you can't judge all just by the actions of a few

This is something really happening nowadays. Look at how Islam's image has suffered, how certain countries are being judged, and how our country's internal image has suffered due to just that few black sheep. It is indeed something that is happening nowadays. Been having some tough internal questions about mates of my own faith recently, seeing how much of a hypocrite I've become, as a Christian. I understand why some of us come across as irritating, self-righteousness people, but doesn't mean I condone it. something positive: it is heartbreaking [never confuse the faith with the supposingly faithful.] sometimes, we are just anxious to share the goodness we have. we may overdo it, like excited little kids. The best kind of evangelism, however, is by living it, not shoving one's ideals into another's. If we just forced our ideals upon others, we are not much different from those crazy extremists that kill in the name of their god, whoever it is (I know Islam is a peaceful religion). None of us are totally innocent. Yes, our lives may have more meaning, but it's subjective (like who's good looking - I think Angelina Jolie is hideous), especially to those who are not in it. I think... tell them what's good, but admit what's bad? I don't know. Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? (Matthew 7:3, NIV) In the ancient laws of Israel, adultery was a crime punishable by death. John 8:3~7 The teachers of the law and the Pharisees brought in a woman caught in adultery. They made her stand before the group and said to Jesus, "Teacher, this woman was caught in the act of adultery. In the Law Moses commanded us to stone such women. Now what do you say?" They were using this question as a trap, in order to have a basis for accusing him. But Jesus bent down and started to write on the ground with his finger. When they kept on questioning him, he straightened up and said to them, "If any one of you is without sin, let him be the first to throw a stone at her." Then where does the difference between good old criticism and forceful imposition lay? Look inside your heart, I guess. I'm not some guru, I ain't that wise, as much as I hope to be. If I had the answer to the world's problems, and I could actually solve it, I would. But to know the limits to one's self is a good thing normally.. I know this argument is scattered and probably sounds really weak (gavin, please help!), but I'm sure all you smart people understand me. Just... Do Not Judge. We all do, but it doesn't make it right. peace out. =)

not that I have anything against her

But this is hilarious. My friends who know her personally vouch for her niceness, and honestly I believe them that she is most probably a nice person (since I don't know her personally), and she is a great person, offline. However, I couldn't help laughing when I read this in 8days (issue 837-Nov 2, 2006): Not that all girls hate Wendy: "For every hot-blooded army boy who like Xiaxue, two or three girls hate her...." Harlow, reporter, please get your facts right! The last time I checked, that kind of definition is used on girls like Jolin and Fiona Xie. And... for every hot-blooded army boy I know that reads her, I can tell you that they don't read her blog for her looks, which is a good thing. Lastly, the list of people that I know that don't read her blog (or maybe any other blogs for that matter) include both male and female, and some of these males immensely dislike her. Besides, she's not known for her beauty (ie, people go to her blog just to beo her), she's known for her, erm, writing? Can don't say like we're jealous of her can? I, and the rest of my friends, ain't. =)

paul still manages to do it

cheer me up, that is... without even trying. paul says (2:21 AM): what's gad? gadget aquisition disorder? must get the latest stuff all the time? then obsessed with it till cannot slp? rationalneurotic says (2:23 AM): hahahaha you damn cute generalised anxiety disorder paul says (2:24 AM): ntthing valium can't help rationalneurotic says (2:24 AM): haha, I refuse to take. paul says (2:24 AM): then dun generalise it lor make it one cause then just blame that one rationalneurotic says (2:24 AM): hahaha why you so cute paul says (2:25 AM): blaming life is good thanks, man =)

the secret...

...isn't that hard to find out. zits (18th Oct 2006): =))

immense...

guilt.

pets can do that to you

for better or for worse: pets do the darnest things. just check for wet butts.

level of stupidity

When... ...isn't quite enough, get this:

Things are never what they seem

On a Claire Day: if you gave me a buck for everytime this happens to me, I think I can buy a condo, fully paid for.

retribution is...

...when you try to whack the youngest cat and then turn to run from the owner, just to bump into the most fearsome other cat. Starring: Kiwi, Furgie and Alex (the last one)